Saturday, December 15, 2012

Sadness, Family Time, and Some Rambling

First and foremost I would like to send out my condolences to the families involved in yesterday's tradgedy.  What a horriffic, senseless act. I can't even begin to imagine how the parents of those who died feel.  Things like this really make you think "Wow, this can really happen anywhere" and it can also make you really appreciate what you have. I didn't even hear about it until late afternoon and the first thing I did was pull my son from school.  At that point he only had about 30 minutes left anyway, but I just needed to hug him. 

I need to change topics here before I start crying.  I couldn't even watch that on the news yesterday, it brought my to tears.  Anyway, yesterday was my dad's birthday.  So after I got R from school, we headed on over.  I brought london broil in my mom's special marinade that was apparently my dad's favorite way back when.  And upon my suggestion, my aunt made mac n cheese as a side, but she used my grandmother's recipe.  I thought it would be nice for my dad to have something that his mom used to make since she is no longer with us.  My grammy died when I was just 4 days old, so I never got the chance to know her.  I remember being at my dad's and sometimes my dad would make this mac n cheese and say that this was how his mom would make it.  I just thought it was a nice idea.  I blew through 34 weeklies yesterday, and that's alright with me.  Tracked it and  moving on!

So my friend, T went with me to celebrate my dad's birthday.  We dropped the kids off with P afterwards because he wanted them for the night, and we were already down there.  And then we proceeded to go hang out with my old college buddy J who also happens to live in that area.  On the way home, T and I are discussing men and dating.  She brought up how heavier people have a harder time attracting people, and it's really hard, yadda yadda yadda and how it would be so much simpler if she were thinner.  Now, as some one who has been heavy most of their life, I totally get what she's saying.  It was very hard for me to get guys' attention, and in fact out of all the boyfriends I've had, I only started dating 2 of them when I was heavy.  The rest I got when I was thin.

I told her I knew what she was talking about and that it sucked.  I spent most of my life just wishing I was thin so guys would pay attention.  Well now, I get lots of attention, but all these a-holes want is so sleep with me.  I can't find anyone genuine who will take me seriously.  I have just as hard a time as she does, I just need to weed through a lot more b.s.  I think dating in general is just really difficult, no matter how big or small you are, male or female, it's just hard and a little awkward.  And this is just so much different than it was in high school.  I am trying to take a break from the whole meeting people thing for right now.  Christmas is in 10 days and I really just don't have the time between now  and then to go out.

I was talking to  Kelly the other day and I said that I think part of my problem is that this is just really hard.  This is my first holiday season being single since 1999.  That's right, 1999.  Think about that a second.  I'm 28 and for the last 13 years of my life I have pretty much had a constant stream of boyfriends.  Sure I've had a few month gaps in between some of them, but for the most part I really have never been single.  And I think the realization of that may have something to do with why I've been struggling so much and why I've been spending so much time trying to find some one.  I really just have no idea how to be by myself.  So maybe I need this break, maybe I need to figure out me and who I am and what I want before I go out trying to find some one.  Now I'm just kind of rambling, so I'm going to stop right there lol.  So thanks for reading, and I will check in soon!

Friday, December 14, 2012

WI 12/13

132!!!  6lbs, down!  So exited. I should have exercised more, but this is a new week. Some challenges I'm facing, today is my dad's birthday.  Fabulous.  Birthday cake has always been my kryptonite.  It feels good to really be back on plan though, I'm loving it.  I feel so much better already and it's only been a week!  The next few weeks are going to be rough. Next week I take the kids into the city to see the Grinch.  That is going to be an all day affair complete with NYC food.  So I'mjust going to have to be prepared. 

Goals for this week are to exercise more than 2 days which is all I did last week, lol.  Maybe get back to some weight lifting.  I'll get it, I want to see a 3lb loss this week to get me back under 130.  So that's it for me.  Hope you're having a good one!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Super Happy

So tomorrow ends my first week back. I am feeling pretty good.  I only worked out once, need to work on that (seems to be a theme with me here), but eating I have done really well.   I am super proud of myself for an NSV I had on Sunday.  My son had a wrestling match down in Hunterdon.  His dad and grandfather came to support him.  He did so well, I was so proud!  Anyway, after the match P's dad wanted to take us all out for lunch.  Oh geez, here we go. None of us know the area, and the only place we seemed to be able to find was Cracker Barrel.  Now I had never been there before, but I've heard of it.  I good feel the impending doom lol.

Well, they had this grilled bbq chicken with cheese and bacon meal on the menu.  And it came with 2 veggies.  Awesome.  It also came with a biscuit and cornbread.  No biggie. So I get the chicken, give the bacon to P, and scrape the cheese and some of the bbq sauce off!  So simple, and yet such a big deal.  For my veggies I picked the green beans and carrots.  And yes, I did eat my 2 breads, but I was okay with that.  And you know what?  I did NOT let it derail my entire day!  Anyway, I'm a little short on time this morning.  I wanted to let you all know that I am STILL reading.  My Nook is very weird, like I said in my last post, I can't post from there and sometimes it will let me comment and sometimes it won't, but I am still reading!  Miss being here more =(

Monday, December 10, 2012

Wake Up Call

So I am still having computer problems,I got a tablet but for some reason it won't let me make posts.  Anyway, I went and rejoined WW this week.  And just  so you know, last week was like the binge of a lifetime for me.  So I get on the scale at WW......138!!!  WTF are you serious?  So anyway, that's kind of where I'm at.  I bought myself a 3 month tracker, I stayed for the meeting and I am going to continue to do so.  My roomie's laptop is about to die and I have no clue where her charger is, so I have to make this short and sweet.  I will be back though.  Just wanted to let you know I'm still here.....

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Official WI

130.4. Heading in the right direction.  Considering that all I did was take one 45 minute walk this week, I'll take it.  I have been doing so very well with eating this week.  Due to my reunion and my lunch date this past weekend, all my weeklies were blown by Sunday.  I have also been making very healthy choices.  I have had carrots every day and (until I ran out) my mom's delicious butternut squash soup!  I bought another squash and veggie broth so she can make some more this weekend ;)  I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought bananas, baby spinach, broccoli, organic romaine lettuce, baby carrots, and special dark Hershey kisses so I can satisfy my sweet tooth without going crazy.  And yesterday I proved to myself I can have just one and walk away!

Thanks you guys for coming back, I am sorry I left.  I'm even more sorry that I allowed myself to gain so much weight, but what's done is done.  Now I just have to undo it, lol.   Anyway, I have to ge ready for work, but wanted to check in quick.  Hope you're having a geat week!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Where Oh Where Have I Been?

So here I am.  I gained 16lbs from my lowest weight two months ago.  On Sunday I was 132.0.  I completely fell off, and no matter how hard I tried to get back on, I just kept losing my grip.  I am currently back on the wagon, already down to 130.2.  I would like to say I'm back in the game for good, but only time will tell for sure.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving, I know I did.  I actually didn't have any turkey!  Nope, I put stuff on my plate that only gets made once or twice a year.  Yup, that means I passed on the mashed potatoes too!  Normally I would have had some of everything, so I guess in some small way Thanksgiving was on OP success.

I had my ten year HS reunion on Black Friday.  It was really disappointed that only about 10% of my class showed up, but I get it.  The day after Thanksgiving is awkward timing.  I understand why it was done that way though, the girls who planned it figured they had a 50/50 shot of people coming home for Thanksgiving. It was okay though, I still had a blast and even went to the after party!  It was so weird though.  I never had a problem in high school, I wasn't picked on or bullied or anything.  I had my group of friends, and if you weren't in my group, we just didn't talk or anything.  I was invisible I guess you could say.  Well anyway, the people that wouldn't even say hi to me back then were coming up to me, hugging me, telling me how cute my kids are etc, etc.  It was nice.  I really hope more people show for the 20.  There is actually talk of us having a 15 during the summer as like a pot luck/bbq kind of thing where we can bring the kids and stuff since a lot of us already have children or are getting ready to have children.  That would be really cool I think.

Another reason for my absence is that my computer is having hardware problems, soI have to use my room mate's.  Hopefully I will have my laptop back soon, but I need to send it in first, right Kelly?  So that's about it, I promise to at least try and post more regardless of whether I'm OP or not.  I do miss you guys!

Monday, November 12, 2012

FMM 11/12

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

What’s in Your Fridge?
1. List a few common items that can always be found in your fridge.   Cheese, milk, turkey breast, lite mayo, ketchup, lettuce

2. What kind of milk do you drink? Skim

3. Do you prefer fresh or frozen vegetables?  I prefer fresh but usually buy frozen

4. What do you currently have to drink in the fridge? Milk, juice (for the kids)
5. How often do you clean out your refrigerator? Idk, whenever
6. What’s the healthiest thing in it right now? The banana poke cake my mom sent home last night.  What?  There's banana in there! J/k! Probably the lettuce and the turkey breast. 
7. What’s the most unhealthy thing in it right now? The cake
8. What do you wish you had in it that you don’t have now? I just went shopping so I think I'm good
9. How often do you shop for groceries? I shop once a week
10. What’s the weirdest thing in your fridge right now? I don't think I have anything weird in there....
Bonus: If you could choose one thing to put in the fridge and make it calorie-free what would it be?  Stealing Kenlie's answer, cheesecake!!!!

Now it’s your turn! Don’t forget to answer the questions and come back to post a link in the comments section! Happy Monday!

Sunday, November 11, 2012


So the no sweets challenge has been the most epic of fails.  However, I am going to totally place the blame on the triumphant return of TOM.  Yes, finally after 5 long, weird months without it, it is back.  And I'm actually pretty happy about it.  I can't stand when my body is out of whack.  I'm still OP, I've used my weeklies sparingly.  I even took the kids to the movies last night and resisted the temptation of the snacks.  Well, I bought kids boxes for my little ones and I did get a diet for myself so I would have something to help me not grab at their popcorn!  Can you believe 2 kids boxes and a small drink cost me $20??  Okay, so it was like $19 and change, but still, $20!!!  To take my kids to the movies cost me $50 total, that is just robbery.  Remember the good ol' days when tickets were like $5 for adults??  Yes, yes I do, that was back when I could fill my Chrystler with premium for $20.  Sigh. I need to take my paychecks and hop in my Delorean, wouldn't that be nice. 

It's alright, we don't go to the movies that often, and they earned it after spending the entire day at the office with me yesterday.  And they have to again today, poor things.  And the kids are good.  They know that we get one big outing a week.  Usually we go out to dinner (Ihop, kids eat free, so awesome!), but once in a while we go to the movies.  We're starting to go more often now though, I've noticed.  They've been to 7 movies this year, I have taken them to 6 of them!  Well 5, my mom came with us to Brave and she said it was her treat.  And we will be seeing one more before the year is done, the kids want to see Rise of the Guardians which comes out in a few weeks.  Actually, I may skip that one and let their dad take them.  I'm trying to save money for our NYC trip to see the Grinch next month. I'm super excited for that!  While we're there, I'm going to take them to see the tree. 

It kind of makes me sad though.  That will be their first time at Radio City and their first time seeing the tree, and their dad won't be there.  I feel like it should be a family thing.  I know my kids and I are a family, but sometimes it doesn't feel right without P.  Like when I took them to see How to Train Your Dragon back in September, I was sitting there waiting for it to start and I was seriously about to cry.  P should have been there right next to us and he wasn't.  And he's going to miss the Grinch too.  He missed the kids' first day of school, he missed Halloween, he's had to miss so much and I hate it.  I know it's better for everyone that we're not together, but he and I are able to get along, and I feel like we're friends, so I would really like it if he came along to some of this stuff.  Hopefully as time goes on I'll feel a little better about all this, it hasn't even been a year yet, so maybe it just takes some time.

In other news, I think I may be getting sick.  I woke up this morning and my throat is killing me, it really hurts to swollow.  Hopefully this doesn't put me out of commission, I can't have that happen.  So there you have it, my post full of complaints, lol.  Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer today guys, just had to let it out.  Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Why Wait For Tomorrow?

So normally if I am going to start a challenge or something I wait until the start of my new WW week or te beginning of the month or something.  Why?  What is the point in constantly putting off til tomorrow what can be done today?  My new WW week starts tomorrow but I have decided to start a challenge today.  I had a mini binge last night, nothing huge but I did slip which really sucks because I haven't even been back OP for a full week!  So today is a new day and in the spirit of that I am going to once again to my no sweets challenge that I had done over the summer.  So today through Sunday, NO SWEETS.  Well except for the splenda in my coffee, while I do drink it without milk or cream, I don't think I'm ready to drink it just plain yet, but I am working on it!  Also, do any of you ever hurt after a binge?  I mean like physically.  Every single time I binge, I wake the next morning and my stomach is tender.  Like if I push on it, it feels like I'm bruised, is that weird?  So that's it, we made it through "Athena" just fine, btw when did we start naming winter storms?  Hope you are all well!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Update and Some Other Stuff

I couldn't resist, I weighed this morning.  125.2.  Maintaining is good.  I really can't expect a loss since I have not been moving my butt.  The important thing is that I have recommitted.  And I will be resuming a work out routine this week.  Not sure about the gym with the current gas situation.  I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's really not.  I have to conserve where I can and with wrestling season starting tonight I will already be doing a lot more driving than I would care to do.  I have my workout dvd's though and my Zumba Wii, so while I may not be kickboxing, I have no excuse to not workout.

Switching gears here.  I think it's awesome Colorado legalized marijuana.  I don't smoke, but I have said for years that I believe legalizing it and taxing the hell out of it will help the economy.  Also I cannot recall anyone dying from an overdose of weed.  How many people die every single year from cigarettes and alcohol?  I don't know a lot about how it is going to work out in Colorado, but I think it should be treated like alcohol where you need to be a certain age to purchase and of course be subject to dwi's should you be caught driving.  I really think this is a good thing and hope other states will follow.  Just my two cents, and know there are people out there who will disagree.  The only thing I ask is that if you do disagree and feel the need to say so, please do it respectfully.  No need to get nasty.  In the end neither of us will probably be able to sway the other

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

In The Zone

First I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to those who lost so much during Sandy.  What a terrible terrible storm.  I cannot even imagine what some people are going through.  We were very very lucky.  I was without power for 46 hours.  My neighbor, 3 houses up and across the street from me is still without.  I put the offer out for her and her family to come here and get warm and get a hot meal, but they are staying with her parents.  At least they're safe. 

So needless to say, I didn't exactly restart when I said I was going to restart.  Since the last time I blogged (2 weeks ago!) I have been doing less than stellar.  I would restart and restart and restart only to give in to every temptation that same day.  I would blow through all my weeklies on the very first day!  But I wouldn't let that stop me from ice cream, and cookies, etc etc.  Well I think I am finally back. I restarted Friday, which is the start of my WW week.  I have been using my weeklies, but here it is Tuesday and I still have 12 left!  So Friday morning I weighed in at 128.2,eek!  Saturday I was 129.2, but I didn't let that stop me.  As of yesterday I am 124.8, so that is much better and probably more accurate.  Most of the bloat and all the garbage sittng in my stomach is probably gone by now.  I will go back to official WI's on Thursdays.  I haven't exercised yet, but I am so happy I got the eating down pat.  Just like when I first started I needed to get my eating on point and then I threw in the exercise.  I will be fully back in no time.

And NSV here.  Trick or treat was last night, and when we got home, I did NOT raid the kids' candy!  This is a Halloween first here folks.  And for the record, I never take all their candy, I don't even take 1/4.  I just take a few pieces.  I have a few good justifications for it.  One is that I am the posion checker.  I take the candy that looks most questionable.  You know like Twix and Milky Way......those are always suspicious looking.  My other thing I say is that it's my payment for being so awesome and getting their costumes and driving them to the place we go trick or treating and standing out there in the freezing cold (couldn't feel my hands after 10 minutes last night!).  I think I deserve a little candy for that ;)   Oh come on parents, you know you do it too!

So that's it.  We're getting back to normal around here.  I hope you are all doing well!

Monday, October 22, 2012

FMM 10/22

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Winning the Lottery
What’s the first thing you would do for yourself if you won 100 million dollars? Note: this question is specifically for you…what would you do for fun after the family and the bills and the obvious stuff was taken care of?

I would buy a shore house down in LBI like this one

Yes, I look up multi million dollar homes that are for sale and fantasize about them, don't judge me!
Then I would purchase a condo in Seaside and completely redo my "fall-spring" home aka the one I live in now.  Then the vacationing would commence!  Australia, Italy, Greece, Ireland......   Oh, and I should probably buy some cars, huh?  Let's do a Toyota Highlander Hybrid (they still make those in hybrids, right? They used to), a Dodge Journey, and some sporty car for the hell of it.  Well, I'm off to look for more summer homes ;)

Friday, October 19, 2012

New Week New Start & Making Decisions

I did really well this week during the week.  Last night though, I decided to take the kids to Friendly's.  Normally we get dinner out on Fridays, but today is the start of my new WW week and I didn't want to be thrown off like last week.  I got what I wanted, but left the fries (go me!).  Despite having such a crap weekend, I am proud of myself for not throwing in the towel for the whole week, which is something I normally would have done.  I would have said "Screw this, this week is shot, I'll just restart Friday."  Well I AM restarting today, but I didn't go apeshit all week long.  Monday through lunch time yesterday I was completely and totally OP.  Still doing better than I would have done, so again I guess I can pat myself on the back for that.

My only "concern" for this weekend is that my mom had been given tickets for breakfast at Applebees tomorrow.  I have NO idea what kind of Points values/calories are going to be involved.  I figure I'll just stick to the pancakes and skip the eggs and sausage and just count it like I would Ihop.

Grace, thank you for your words of encouragement on my last post.  I did read your blog this week, but every time I tried to comment, my computer would freeze.  You're a major inspirtation to me, and I wanted to say that on your blog, but for some reason the laptop was not cooperating!

DB, I also want to thank you for your comments.  They do mean a lot to me, and you continue to inspire me as well.  Might I add, you are looking fabulous!  You go girl ;)

I woke up at 3:30 this morning, don't ask me why.  Anyway, I made the decision that I am going to take the kids to Disney next year.  Yup, that's what I do at 3AM, I make major financial decisions.  I'm going to start saving now and I am going to use my tax return and we are going.  They have yet to go on a "real" vacation, and this past year has been tough and brought on a lot of changes so I figure we could all use some time away.  I already started looking at it this morning and it is totally doable, even on a budget.  I must be either really brave or really insane taking a 7 year old and a 5 year old to Disney by myself, but whatever.  YOLO, right?  I really hate that, but it's true.  Unless you believe in reincarnation.  In any case, we're gonna carpe diem all over Orlando.  And I'm going to try very very hard not to say anything to the kids.  At all.  I want to just wake them up the day that we're leaving, put them in the car and go.  But I suck at surprises.  So that's that.  Happy Friday!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Big Fat F

I really feel like I've been walking around with the Vader March playing around me.  You know, like my own little theme song.  If Jabba the Hut had a song, that would probably be more appropriate because that's kind of what I feel like.  This past weekend was horrible.  If eating right was a class I would get like an F minus.  I am talking binging of epic proportions people.  I was brave and hopped on the scale today to see just how much damage was done.  120.4.  Not a huge number, but you need to remember that last week I was 117.  Not good.  Part of m is hoping that it's because I still have some bloat or some grease sitting in my stomach, but that's probably not true.

So here's a recap.  Friday I had Dairy Queen TWICE.  Yup, I went to DQ twice in one day!  The first time I was good and got a smal cup.  The second time I got the peanut butter bash again.  I also had 2 slices of Domino's pizza, 4 breadsticks, 2 Lender's bagels, ice cream from my freezer and 2 biscuits from KFC.  That was Friday.  Saturday I tried to get back on the wagon, but ended up buying these cupcakes from this bakery that had set up shop in the mall.  I ate 2 of them right away, then when I came home I had 5 mini bagels with peanut butter and jelly, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, ice cream, and a pack of M&M's.  That was Saturday.  But Sunday, well, that was probably the worst.  I had 4 apple cider donuts, a bagel with cream cheese, a turkey & cheese sandwhich on a bakery roll with mayo, a half box of chewy Chips Ahoy, and then I went to Fuddruckers.  Although I didn't finish my fries, but that was only because I think I was about to explode.  When I got home I ate one of the chocolate chip cookies from Fudd's, but I put it in the microwave first and then put some ice cream and fudge on top.

And all of that is NOT counting my breakfast or my morning snack, and Friday and Saturday I didn't even put my lunch or afternoon snack's in there because that was the food I had planned on eating.  Can you just IMAGINE what my caloric intake was?  I don't even want to think about it.  I tell everyone not to be fooled by my size, I can pack it away as you can see here.  I'm not sure where I put it all.  I really think I could do competitive eating if I really wanted to.  But I don't.  I was so bloated (and still am a little bit) and felt so disgusting.  I don't even know why I did that.  I have been back OP since Monday.  I made it to step, I didn't work out yesterday, but I am going to kickboxing today after I take A to school.

I wish I could know why I just haven't been with it.  How many weeks in a row is it now that I'm binging on the weekends?  Thankfully this was the only truly major one, otherwise I would be in serious trouble.  But I shouldn't be binging at all.  If I wanted DQ, okay fine, get what I want, count it and be done.  Don't go back.  If I wanted a cupcake, okay, ONE and be done.  So now I have to fight to get back to where I was.  I packed it on in 3 days and it's going to take me a week or two to get it off.  I don't want to dwell on what I did, I want to move forward, but I NEED to figure out what made me do it so I can prevent it from happening again.

Anyway, I have to go get my day started.  Hope you're all having a good week!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

WI Day

Well, it's time to pay the piper.  118.2.  That's still up, what 2 lbs from 2 weeks ago?  It was earned, I deserved it.  Still sucks though.  Although like I said in one of my previous posts from this week, at least I caught myself before it got really out of control.  My new plan seems to be working nicely.  I went to kickboxing yesterday, stuck to my plan, feeling pretty good.  This is a drive by post because I have to get ready to head into the office, but I promised an update with my WI and so here it is.  Have a great day!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 1 Report

I did really well yesterday.  As soon as I finished posting, I got up and did FE C1S.  I followed my plan, although I did have 16 Teddy Grahams (90 cals) after I was supposed to be done eating.  But they are all gone now!  I have not stepped on the scale, I will weight until tomorrow which is official WI day for me.  I will be heading to kickboxing as soon as I drop my daughter at school.

For the most part yesterday I felt very satisfied.  I did get a little snacky in the afternoon, so I was glad that I had only had 100 calories as a snack leaving me with another 50.  I had 1/2 serving of potato straws which was 65 calories, and then I just subtracted that from my dessert.  All in all it worked out pretty well.  Breakfast has by far been my favorite.  Yesterday and today I had 1/2 cup egg beaters, scrambled, and 2 Aunt Jemima low fat pancakes along with my coffee of course =)

So here's to another day OP, I'm feeling pretty good.  Will check back after WI tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

This Isn't Working

First of all, thank you to those who commented yesterday.  Grace I really like that idea from the book.  I will absolutely remember that.  Kelly yup, I just have to move on, what's done is done. 

Last night it happened again though.  Old habits die hard.  I had 4 pretzel bites at the movies with the kids.  Four.  I came home, found it on myfitnesspal, and discovered it was only 123 calories.  And I let that measley 123 calories ruin my day.  I did really good until after dinner.  Down hill from there.  Still nowhere near as bad as in the past, but this is 3 days this week now.  But I think I know what the problem is and I believe I have a solution.

The problem is that I'm taking this whole eating smaller meals thing to the extreme.  ALL of my meals are UNDER 200 calories.  All of them.  Then I end up snacking because I am hungry (duh).  So what I am doing now is making breakfast 200 calories, my morning snack 100, lunch 250, afternoon snack 150, dinner 300 and then I have 200 calories left for dessert and one more snack if I want.  That gives me a grand total of 1200 for the day until I lose what I just gained back.  Oh, and in case you were wondering, I've been following the myfitnesspal plan, and not WW.  I DO still count the weekly points though for when I'm going out or I feel like treating myself.  Until recently that seemed to be working.

As for exercising, I have a plan for that too.  Starting today.  Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I will be following the FE plan, and Monday,Wednesday, and Friday I will be hitting the gym.  I know this is a similar exercise routine to what I had said last week, but I didn't have anything concrete for when I was working out at home.  I believe I said I would do whatever DVD I felt like.  Well obviously that hasn't really worked out.  I think I need a more specific plan in place in order for me to really follow it.  So that's my plan, and I am still under 120 so I have caught myself before it started getting really out of control.  I am going to go and do my workout now before I have to get the kids off to school and my butt to work.  Will check in soon!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Mini Binge Take 2

Saturday was a complete disaster.  My mom has trouble with her legs sometimes, and recently it's really been bothering her.  So Saturday I volunteered to make my lasagna for her.  I had NO intention of eating it.  I ate during the day with a completely different dinner plan.  Well my mom insisted that I have the lasagna.  I mean she flat out told me I had to eat it.  My mom is really not some one to argue with.  So that started a whole downward spiral which ended up involving 2 Grands biscuits and 2 Ihop cream cheese stuffed french toast pasteries.  Sigh.  I felt so disgustingly full afterwards.  And you know what else?  It didn't taste as good as I remembered it tasting.  Everyone else loved it.  I thought it was good, but I remember it being amazing.  Funny how tastes change.

I hopped right back on the wagon yesterday though.  I did munch a little (we went to Sam's Club, there were free samples) but I counted every bite.  As of this morning I'm back up to 118.6.  So a little over a pound, but I deserved it, and this is maintenance after all, I can fluctuate.  I really want to hit the gym this morning, but Stacy isn't teaching step.  It's the instructor I don't like, so I'm going to have to come up with a plan b.

That is all for now.  Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Emotional Control

So yesterday, I didn't go to spin.  I just really don't care for it.  I loved the first class I had taken.  We were doing "rolling hills" now they're doing endurance and while I know I would benefit from it, I freaking hate it.  So I did FE C3C instead.  Hey, at least I did SOMETHING, right?  Then it was off to dance class and work.  I left work early and took A to go get a mani.  Afterwards we picked up R from school, played at the park for an hour, then went to Ihop.  I got my usual simple & fit 2x2x2, and that was my Points for the day. 

Then I decided we should go to Dairy Queen.  Still didn't do bad.  I got a small vanilla cup with hot fudge and peanut butter.  Roughly 10PP, no biggie, new week, new weeklies.  Then I got into it over the phone with P.  Let the stress eating commence.  I really didn't do overly horrible.  I had 2 reduced fat Grands biscuits (8PP) and a 100 calorie pack (3PP).  So I used 21 weeklies, and I did work out, so all in all not bad.  I'm not upset about the DQ, I wanted it so I got it, I got a small instead of a medium or a large and that was fine.  What I'm upset about is that I still allow my emotions to control my eating.

Obviously I'm still a work in progress here.  Stress eating is still something I do and I need to fix that.  I am proud though that I was able to stop there.  A year ago, I would have kept going.  There would have been ice cream, and pretzels and probably one or two more biscuits if we're being honest.  So I have made progress, but I'm still not quite there yet.  Today is another day.  I have to take R to soccer, then wrestling sign ups, then go to work.  After all that I promised my mom I would come over and make my world famous lasanga for dinner.  Okay, so maybe it's not world famous, but it's damn good.  Well, that's it for today folks.  Enjoy your weekend, I will check back soon!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I'm Here!!

I know I said I would blog every other day, and I really meant to, but my computer had a virus and Windows wouldn't even start.  I have not been purposely neglecting you!  And thanks to Kelly for texting me yesterday to see how I was doing.  Love ya girlie!

Okay, so aside from not blogging, I HAVE been making good on my other October commitments.  I did go to step on Monday, my butt was at kickboxing yesterday and I have been pretty on point with my eating.  I did take Tuesday off from working out for two reasons.  One was that since it's been so long since I have done a decent workout, my legs were killing me from step the day before.  Two to be honest, was because it was a crappy nasty day and I just wanted to lay in bed after work in my sweats and read Game of Thrones.  So there you have it.  I will workout today once I get home from work.  I think I'm feeling an FE dvd today.  My upper body is really killing me from kickboxing, so not sure if I'm up to Jillian.

Oh, so proud mommy moment if I may.  Yesterday my daughter, A, was awarded the Superstar Award at her preschool for being "extremely kind to her class and sharing."  So proud of my little baby!  Actually, I'm proud of both my kids.  R has been practicing his writing, and it shows.  I really can't believe the strides he has made in just the last month.  So that's it, I have less than an hour before I have to leave for work, so I just wanted to stop by and let you know I have not forgotten my promise to be here more often!

Sunday, September 30, 2012


One year ago today I wrote my very first post in this blog.  I had 1 follower and 70 pounds to lose.  Now here I am 365 days later at goal, with 20 followers, and some new friends.  This has been quite the journey and I want to thank you guys for sharing it with me.  I'm sorry I haven't been around.  I really need to make this a priority once again.  I do so much better when I have you guys.  Not that I've been doing horrible, but I do need to get my butt back to the gym.  And I miss writing here, and these last few days, I confess, I haven't even been reading.  But tomorrow is the start of a new week and a new month, so what better time to recommit, right? 

Starting tomorrow I will be at the gym 3 days a week, I will be doing either a Jillian or FE workout 3 days a week, and the last day of the week I will either just take off or maybe do some walking.  I will blog a minimum of every other day, even if it's just a quick post.  I haven't come this far by being lazy, which means I won't stay here by being lazy either.

My cousin got married Friday.  It was such a nice ceremony, the venue was beautiful, and his bride is not only adorable but incredibly sweet.  I had 7 drinks (whoops), but I did very awesome at cocktail hour.  I had 7 crackers, 5 little cubes of cheese, 1 french fry shooter (so cute, about 10 fries in a shot glass with som ketchup at the bottom), 1 pig in a blanket, and 1 buffalo chicken cheese steak thing.  It was tiny, like one of those free samples you get at the mall, but soooo good!  For dinner I had the bacon stuffed chicken breast with rice and carrots, I had the salad (which was super delicious, I really wish I could have had more of it!), a dinner roll, and of course a piece of cake.  I don't think I did all that bad.  There was so much more food I could have had at the cocktail hour, but I didn't.  And I did dance.  Oh, and I made it to the gym in the morning.  So that was good.

I've had a very good, yet very busy weekend.  Lots of fun, but so glad it's over and tomorrow I can get back to normal.  I WILL go to step class in the morning, no matter what.  No excuses this week, NONE.  Hope everyone is doing well and is OP.  See you soon!

Monday, September 24, 2012

I Really Don't Wanna

I really just don't feel like going to the gym.  I think it's the cold weather, I don't even want to get out of bed let alone go work out at the gym.  But I haven't been there in a week.  My 2 free months are up which means now I'm paying for this membership.  You would think that since I'm paying for this it would be extra motivation to use it.  Obviously not.

This weekend wasn't bad in terms of food.  I used 8 weeklies the whole time, so that was good.  I'm trying not to be so snacky.  I think I found the solution.  Golden Grahams.  Yesterday I at 2 1/2 servings of Golden Grahams.  It was split between my morning and afternoon snacks and I found that I wasn't really reaching for extras.  So there you go, lol.  If you have a problem, Golden Grahams is the answer.

I am going to really really try and make myself go to step this morning.  My cousin's wedding is THIS Friday, so I need to make sure I'm good to go. How do you guys find it in you to go and workout when what you REALLY want to do is stay in your pj's, lay in bed, and read a book?  Because honestly, that's what I want to do once I get the kids to school.....

Friday, September 21, 2012


I am so excited, I really can't even begin to tell you.  Wednesday I got a flyer in the mail, a certain television provider was running a promo for new customers only.  I have been a loyal customer to another provider for 7 years.  I have always been happy with the service and the programs, but this new offer was going to save me over $300 this year alone, PLUS a whole bunch of freebies.  So I switched and for the first time EVER, we have on demand!  PLUS some premium channels for free for quite an extended period of time.  We all know what this means, right?  This means that for the next however many weeks I will be spending my nights watching Game of Thrones (hence the title of this), The Tudors, Dexter.....oh the excitement!  It got installed yesterday and I am seriously hooked.  And so are the kids.  All I had to say was Phineas & Ferb complete seasons and they let out squeals of delight.

I've been a huge slacker in the workout department this week.  I need to get back on that.  I've been putting in more hours at work.  With winter right around the corner I am going to need some serious money to be able to heat the house.  So admittedly the exercising has taken a back seat.  I'm still tracking and staying OP as far as eating goes.  I did have a splurge Wednesday, I was just so snacky.  But I had the weeklies for it and counted.  So that's it.  It's family night so I'm going to go cuddle with my kids and try to stay out of the fridge ;)  Happy Friday!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Woah, What?

Yesterday I had to go into work.  There is this woman, L, at the office that I just love.  In fact I went to school with her 2 oldest children.  Her daughter was I think 2 years ahead of me and her son was in my class.  Anyway she is just so sweet and she always has som sort of goodies on her desk and you can just help yourself.  I always look forward to her candy jar.  She gets the fun sizes so I can have one without undoing my whole day.  Anyway I walk in yesterday and *gasp* there's no candy in her jar!  So I walk into the inner office knowing that if there's nothing in the jar, there's usually some Chips Ahoy or something in there.  Well yesterday, darn that L, she had made (and brought in) chocolate chip blondie brownie bars!  OMG, soooo good!  I had two, oops.  And she told me to bring some home for the kids, so of course I did.

Anyway, I tried to calculate how much it was to the best of my abilities.  I looked up a recipe for them on and figured that since each piece of L's was really a half a piece, that it was probably 300 calories for both.  So I worked it in to my meal planning for the rest of the day and that was that.  I use MFP now more than WW (although I do still calculate my weeklies if I want to go over for the day that helps keep me in check).  I ended up going about 5 PP over yesterday, so not too bad at all.  And of course we all know I had to hop on the scale this morning.  This would be the park where the title of this post comes in.  116.6.  I was so stunned I checked 3 times and it was exactly the same.  Which means that on the WW scale I would be 116.2.  How in the heck did I do that???  You know what, I don't really care how I did it!  I am ONE freaking pound away from my goal.  ONE.  I really can't believe that after my crazy outing last week I was able to drop 2 pounds, especially since I really haven't exercised as much as I did over the summer.  Actually, with my weight being as low as it is, I really didn't think I could still drop 2 pounds in a week no matter how "good" I was.  I really want to go to WI tomorrow and just double check that number, but I don't want to face them.  Isn't that weird?  Usually people don't want to go when they've had a "bad" week.  I don't want to go because last time they told me I was losing too much.  Although that's probably because my WW goal weight is 128 and I'm more than 10 lbs below that.  Whatever.  I'm still within the healthy weight ranges chart for my age and height, and I have no plans of going below 115.  I'm good here.

So anyway, that's that.  I have to get the kids ready for school and then head to kickboxing.  Have a great one!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Short n Sweet

So yesterday was awesome.  I made the kids chocolate chip pumpkin pancakes for breakfast.  Then they helped me make apple pumpkin muffins.  While we waited for them to cook, we cuddled up and watched Charlie Brown.  Then we headed outside for an hour before having lunch.  After that we got in the car and I parked at my mom's.  I told them I had a surprise for them and we walked down to the street fair.  A made a sand art bracelet, R asked for a toy, they both got balloon animals, saw the petting zoo and went down the inflatable slide.   Once all my money was spent we came home curled up in my bed together and watched Phineus & Ferb.  Then it was back outside until dinner.  Awesome, awesome day.

Today I am headed to Stacy's step class, then not really sure what I'm doing.  I do need to get some work done, as well as some laundry.  Work around here never seems to be done!  I've really been slacking in my weight training lately.  I'm trying to get back on a good schedule with that.  My work outs in general have been lack luster unless I can find my way to the gym.  And I have no excuse today.  I go about 9 hours of sleep, no reason to be all sluggish and dragging my feet.  Anyway I'm going to keep this short and sweet since I did oversleep this morning.  Have a great day!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Welcome Back

I have got to say I really miss daily blogging.  Life has just been hectic lately and my internet connection has been touchy.  Anyway, I went on a date Thursday night to Applebees and I went balls to the wall.  I ordered first, I got the bacon cheddar cheesburger which if you remember from when I went out with Big Mama T is like 970 calories/26 PP.  But I figured what the hell.  Just one night.  So then my date orders his AND the appetizer sampler.  Oh man.  I did awesome with that though.  I took 2 mozz sticks, 2 wings, 1 quesadilla, and like 5 chips and 1 teaspoon of the spinach dip.  Normally I would have just devoured the whole thing.  THEN we went to Dairy Queen.  Guess what I got.  The peanut butter bash.  I still haven't looked up the nutrition info for that because I really don't want to know.  It was a lot bigger than I thought it was going to be.

It felt good to be able to go out and have whatever I wanted.  It didn't feel so good after I ate it.  I felt soooo sick.  So sick.  The ice cream was totally worth it, but next time I'll get either the 7oz steak with veggies or the 1/2 chicken caesar for my entree.  The burger was not worth the tummy ache.  And I made it to spin class Friday morning.  It was so tough to get through, I felt so sluggish but I was so happy when I was done.  Yesterday I did FE C4C.  Not sure what I'm doing today.  I kind of want to go to kickboxing, but may just end up working out here at home.

And of course I had to hop on the scale.  Now Thursday I was 118.2.  Yesterday I was up to 120.6!  I figured it was mostly still bloat and all the grease sitting in my stomach.  Today I am back down to 118.6, so I'm only up .4.  Not too bad. 

I think I'm either going to skip work today and go Tuesday instead or just head in there super early (like in a half hour or so) because there's a street fair going on in town today and I want to take the kids.  I was unable to work yesterday because they were recarpeting.  It's nice to have a weekend where I can just be with the kids.  And I really want just one day where we don't HAVE to do anything, which is why I'm considering skipping the gym.  Yesterday we had soccer so I was running out the door even though it was Saturday.

So anyway, that's what's been going on around here.  I'm still reading you guys every chance I get.  Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Frustration & Craziness

I just can't see it.  I look in the mirror and I don't see a skinny person.  And I don't "feel" like a skinny person.  What's a skinny person supposed to feel like anyway?  I saw a friend of mine last week that I haven't seen in a year and a half.  We've been friends literally our whole lives, since we were 3.  Well, she's a year younger than me, so she was 2, but whatever.  And she was always so thin and pretty and everything I always wanted to be.  And every time I stood next to her I felt so.....frumpy.  Well now, we're about the same.  I may even weigh less than her .  But standing next to her I still felt like the fat friend.  Why?  Will this horrible feeling of being the fat, frumpy, unattractive friend EVER go away?  I really wish I knew how to get past this.

Anyway, school is in full swing.  I have only been to he gym once this week.  I had every intention of going today, but my friend was in need of transportation, so I skipped.  I won't be going tomorrow since I have to go to work in the morning.  I WILL be at spinning Friday morning no matter what.  Saturday I can't, R has soccer and I just found out that they are now accepting 4 year olds, so A will b joining this week.  She's been asking to do soccer for a while now.  R's session is from 10-11 and A's will be 11-12.  And I WILL be at the gym Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday this coming week.  And I will NOT use not going to the gym as an excuse not to exercise.  I did go for an hour long walk yesterday with my daughter, so while it's not great, it's better than nothing.

Anyway sorry this is so short, I need to get ready for the PTO meeting tonight.  I really want to be as involved as I can, I think it's very important.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Bad Blogger

I feel like I've been a bad blogger latley.  It's just been nuts between the kids being in school, work, the gym, soccer....I feel like I've barely had time to breathe let alone blog.  I have been more diligent in my tracking and I made it to the gym today after having took yesterday off from working out completely.  I took Stacy's step class.  Man did it feel good to be back!

Can I say just how much I LOVED today's weather?  It totally felt like fall and I loved every second of it.  After picking up A from school, I decided she and I would spend our afternoon appl picking, so that's what we did.  10 freaking pounds of apples!  I'm going to take some of them, throw them in the food processor and make apple cinnamon muffins to send to school with my son.  That way he gets some fruit and he thinks he's getting a treat.  It's a win win.  After R got off the bus, we immediately headed to the park.  They got to play for about an hour before we came home to do homework (which went SO much better than last week) and have dinner.

I have been reading your blogs in the morning in betwen my coffee, making breakfast, and getting the kids ready for school.  I try to comment, but sometimes I just am not able to.  I wanted you to know that I DO read them though.  I need to.  So many of you are just so motivational and inspiring to me, even when you're having an "off" day or week or whatever.  It reminds me that it happens to everyone and that the important thing is just to get right back on track.  Hopefully once we're a little more settled I'll be able to post more.  Have a great night!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Losing My Key

So tonight after dinner while I was getting my ice cream, it dawned on me that I have started a new trend, and it's not one that I want to continue.  I have been giving myself just a teeny tiny little bit more ice cream.  Now I do weigh and measure EVERYTHING.  I have a 1/2 cup scoop that I use to measure my ice cream and my milk for my cereal in the morning, etc.  While I have not exactly been giving myself heaping 1/2 cups, I have absolutely been jamming it in there.  This whole last week actually.  Now I did show a loss on the scale, but I fear that if I continue to do this that it's going to get out of hand at some point, and I WILL be up to heaping cups full.

Also, I haven't exactly been measuing my chocolate sauce that's been going on m ice cream.  I don't dump it on, but I'm wondering just how much I'm putting on there.  This is a slippery slope people.  Sure, it's just an extra lick of ice cream and a few extra drops of syrup NOW, but eventually it could become a lot more.  Plus, doing it every night of the week adds up.  And it's funny because I feel like if I don't jam as much ice cream into th measuring cup without it spilling over as I can, that I'm cheating myself.  But what I'm realy doing is cheating myself by shoving so much in there, right?  I need to stop this now before it's too late.  I need to keep track of my key (to success) before it's lost.

On a positive note, it's Saturday and I have only used 14 weeklies so far!  Usualy by this time I have blown through all of them and have even used AP's that I haven't even earned yet for the week!  Success!  And yes, I'm counting the little extra I had tonight.  Also, I did SIWW today.  The gym is just not going to be happening on Saturdays for at least the next two months.  My son has soccer now from 10-11, and then I spend the rest of the day at work.  Tomorrow I'm going to be missing the gym too.  My dad wants us to come down for lunch, and I do need to get some more work done in the office.  My plan is to be at work from 7:00-11:30, that will put me at my dad's by 12:30, I'm going to leave there by 3, will be back in town by 4 and then it's over to my mom's for dinner.  Phew.  Monday though, Monday I will be at the gym.  Step class, 9 AM, no matter what.  I may be like 5 minutes late since I have to drop A at preschool first, but I will be there.  Really glad I worked out today since I really don't think it's going to happen tomorrow.  Hope you're all enjoying your weekend!

Friday, September 7, 2012

The Little Things

So last night I was watching TI & Tiny : Family Hustle.  It was around Father's Day and Tiny asked Tip what he wanted.  He kept saying he wanted a Bently, but eventually he said he would honestly be happy with whatever they gave him.  The episode before that was about family and how Tip wanted them all to do something without any electronics, so he took them all camping.  Like with tents and stuff, really roughing it.  Anyway, it got me to thinking about how absolutely blessed I am.

Sure I complain like everyone else.  Money is tight, I wish I had a bigger house, a nicer car, and I would love to be able to fill my children's every desire.  I love them and they're fairly good kids, so of course I want to be able to give them everything they want.  But I can't.  We're still lucky though.  We still have a place to live, my kids have nice rooms and comfortable beds.  We all go to bed every night with full bellies.  Well, my kids would tell you different, they are ALWAYS hungry, but I assure you, they eat quite a bit.  They have nice clothes and nice toys. and most important of all, we're all relatively healthy.  Like we have no major health issues, thank goodness.

Anyway, the whole point is that in day to day life, we take all this stuff for granted.  We don't have a lot, but we get by.  I work hard to be able to afford to give my kids nice Christmas's, and to "keep up with the Jones's" as far as birthday parties go, and to be able to make sure the kids are able to participate in extra curriculars with their friends.  And I have to also give credit to my parents.  They have always come to my rescue when I really needed it.  I truly have the most amazing family and am so grateful for them.

So today instead of whining and complaining about the things I don't have, I am going to hug my children, look around at my old house and my beat up car, think of my family and friends and be happy with my life.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Battlefield & Official WI

My heart goes out to my little man, it really does.  Not sure if I have talked about this here before or not, but R has a fine motor delay.  It's not so bad where they held him back, but he has gone to OT and the school wants him to do OT there during the day as well.  R is very smart.  His math, reading, and comprehension skills are spot on for his age.  It's writing and coloring that's the issue.  Plus he is just such a perfectionist that he gets completely frustrated if he does something and it doesn't quite look the way it's supposed to.  And so he gives up.

Homework tonight was such a battle.  All it was was a connect the dots worksheet that he had to color afterwards and write his name on.  Oh. My. Gosh.  The battle that ensued over this worksheet.  It started out fine.  He was just going to do it and then he could watch some t.v.  Well once he had a hard time writing his name, it was all downhill from there.  And I don't know what to do for him.  I have seen him when he just sits down and stays focused he does really well.  That obviously wasn't the case today. And I told him he didn't have to do it right away.  He was just at school all day.  He could have played for a half hour or so but he said he just wanted to do it so he could play uninterrupted later.  Makes sense to me, told you he's a smart kid!  So if any of you wonderful readers have kids or have experience with kids and have any suggestions that would be great.  Obviously if he continues to struggle so much I'll have to start speaking with the teacher, but from what I can see (at least right now) it's more of a frustration problem than a motor skills problem.

Anyway, I finally went to WI, and..................118.4!!  I am THREE pounds away from my official goal.  THREE.  Soooo excited!  So that's it for today, will check back tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


So last night was.....interesting.  I can't tell you a whole lot because I had to sign a confidentiality agreement.  I will say this though, I got to meet 3 of the cast members and a 4rd stopped in to say hi to all of us and they were so super nice!  And very talented stylists.  I was able to get my hair cut for free and she chopped it.  Like really chopped.  And you know what?  I don't hate it.  It's actually really cute and she taught me a lot about hair and why mine not only won't grow but why it falls out a lot.  I plan on going back there and getting my hair done again.  I'll post a pic tomorrow.

I went to spin class yesterday and did some ab work.  Since it was a crap day I just laid with the kids and watched movies until I had to leave.  Today is the first day of school.  The kids woke up so excited to go back.  So I am going to make this a short post since I have to get them ready.  Happy Wednesday.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Big News!

It felt so good to get a workout in yesterday.  I ended up doing RI30 Level 1.  Really really feeling it today.  I even allowed myself to have somethings that I have been craving, but I weiighed and measured and fit it in to my eating plan.  I had a Milky Way.  OMG do I love Milky Way's.  And I haven't had one in forever.  I am going to be headed to the gym in a little bit, maybe do a spin class or I'll just work it out on the treadmill.  We shall see.

I was talking to Kelly last night and she complimented me on my bikini pic and I told her something I totally forgot to blog about.  While I was wearing it at the beach, I didn't give one thought to what other people might be thinking about how I looked in it.  I wore it all day, and even while on the boardwalk I just had my shorts on and my bikini top, I wasn't wearing my shirt.  And guess what?  I didn't care, it didn't bother me.  I just focused on having a great day with my kids and it was AWESOME.  Big NSV right there.

So very exciting news.  Over the weekend I responded to an open call for a television show just for the hell of it.  Well, I got a call back!  I get to go film later today over in Verona!  I'm seriously freaking out a little.  I'm not doing anything major, I'm just going to be getting my hair done in a salon, but still!  I love love LOVE the show I'm doing it for, and have wanted to do something like this.  They had another open call in March, but I didn't respond.  I wasn't confident enough to do so since I was still on the heavier side.  But now I am confident, and I took a chance, and now I get this really cool opportunity.  So I will keep you all posted on how it goes!

Today is the last day of summer vacation for my kids.  It's a nasty yucky day out, but we're going to make the most of it.  I'm going to miss them while they're in school.  Thankfully I have the gym and a good friend of mine to keep me company so I don't sit at home and cry, lol.  And A only had a half day, so I get to pick her up at 12.  I think we may do a Mommy n Me lunch and perhaps go get our nails done afterwards =)  I need to do something special for R too after his first day.  He's never been in school for a full day before, I hope it goes well.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Step in the Right Direction

This may sound kind of silly to you guys, but for me this is really really huge.  Okay, so by now we all know what a complete and total carboholic I am, right?  Right.  Bread and all things even remotely related to bread might even be a bigger weakness for me than sweets.  So last night we have dinner at my mom's.  And guess what she made?  Biscuits.  Holy crap do I love biscuits.  I still had some weeklies left so the entire dinner I sat there debating on whether or not I should have a biscuit.  Going over my Points isn't a problem for me anymore, I can do it, track it, and be okay. 

The problem is that never in my entire life have I been able to eat just ONE biscuit.  Even when I go to KFC or swing by McDonald's for breakfast I always get two biscuits for myself.  That's why I agonized over this so much.  It's much easier for me to just not have any than to stop at one.  But I decided I was going to go for it.  I had a biscuit.  And I sat there with the basket of biscuits next to me and watch my step dad take another and my mom take one, the kids each had one, and at the end (after I had had mine) there was one biscuit left.  And I had that little voice in my head telling me to screw it, just go for it, no sense in saving one, right?  But I didn't.  I didn't touch it.  I only had ONE biscuit.  Oh it was tempting to go for number two, but I refrained.  So that's my cool story of the day, lol.

I AM going to jump back on the workout wagon today, actually as soon as I'm done with this.  Then it's off to the grocery store and then hitting the office for a few hours.  Happy Labor Day!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Happy September & A Pic

Wow, yesterday was the first day since the end of June I haven't blogged!  The day just got away from me.  I woke up at 4 (AGAIN) for some crazy reason and decided to use that time to start packing to take the kids to the shore.  I promised we would go before summer was over, and although I waited til practically the last possible time to go, we did go.  And we had a blast.  We spend hours on the beach and in the ocean, we walked the boardwalk, I won them each a prize, we played some air hockey, got Kohr's Brothers, had a picnic lunch on the beach, rode the carousel, and got some salt water taffy to bring home.  I appologize for the graininess, but here's me and my loves in Seaside......

I went a little over my calories/Points, but that's okay.  Not about to let it ruin me.  The kids also had a fantastic time Friday out on the boat.  They loved it.  They also loved swimming in the lake.  All in all it's been a wonderful holiday weekend.  I just put in some time at the office and we're headed to my mom's for dinner later.  I haven't done a "formal" workout since Thursday.  Friday I took off and yesterday I figure I did enough at the beach.  I sat for maybe 40 minutes out of the 6 hours we were there.  Legs are feeling it today. 

So it's a new month and I am looking to do something new to challenge myself.  Not sure what it's going to be yet though.  Anyway, hope you're all enjoying your holiday!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Here We Go Again

I didn't go to WW last night.  I was really looking forward to WI but things got all kinds of screwy yesterday.  My mom took the day off work and wanted to take the kids and I to lunch.  Hello Ihop.  I got my usual Simple & Fit 2x2x2 which is a whopping 400 calories but keeps me full ALL DAY.  This of course wa AFTER I had gone to the mall to look for some school stuff and treated myself to Auntie Anne's.  Whatever.  I only went over last night by 30 grams of turkey breast, a sandwich thin, 2 90 calorie dinner rolls made into mini pb&j's (really didn't even use a full tablespoon of peanut butter) and a 90 calorie Twix ice cream.  Compared to the binges I've had the last few weeks, that is NOTHING.  And I also took the kids on a nice after dinner walk.

So what went so horribly wrong?  P had court for something that happened back in May and got slapped with a 30 day jail sentence.  Now 30 days over in county is nothing.  He's done 6 months before.  BUT this means that he now does not have a job, and (as we learned from when he did the 6 months) he can't file for unemployment when he gets out since going to jail is apparently considered voluntarily leaving your job.  Um, last time I checked no one exactly volunteers to go to jail.  I know, I know, they mean that you voluntarily committed an act which could land you in jail, just sayin' though.  And what does all this mean exactly?  Well this means that AGAIN I am the one who has to tell the kids daddy's in jail.  That's a fun conversation let me tell you.  And this is the 4th or 5th time I have had to have this talk with them in the last 3 years.  It really doesn't get any easier.  That alone is enough to make me want to go pound a six pack when they go to bed.  I didn't, but it was tempting, not gonna lie.

And on top of having that lovely conversation with my 4 and 6 year olds this also means that now I have to pay for A's preschool AGAIN.  I paid for her last year.  Well, my mom paid, but I worked it off.  We were still together at the time and he was working then.  God forbid he pay for his own child.  He had money for other thingd but not for her school.  So I told him he had to pay this year.  Well that's not going to happen now.  And so I'm probably going to have to cancel my trip.  Oh well.  She needs to go to school, not much I can do about it.

Just to clear things up, I have no problems paying for things for my kids.  I love them dearly and would do anything for them, and I do it with a smile on my face.  I made the choice to have children, and I wouldn't trade motherhood and all it's responsibilities for anything in this world.  My point is that P also made the decision to have children and he gets upset when I call them "my" kids, he always says to me "They're not YOUR kids, they're OUR kids."  Well okay then maybe you should ACT like it.  I really have no tolerance for people that are part time parents.  You can't pick and choose when it's convienent for you to be a parent.  Once you have a child that you have decided to keep then you are a parent 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the rest of your life.  That's just how it is.  And I don't mean to bash P's parenting.  He loves the kids, he really does, but what baffles me is that I know he would take a bullet for either of them without even thinking about it, but he just refuses to pay for stuff for them unless it's something fun that he wants to do.  Like going out to eat, or going down the shore, or the zoo.

So that's my vent du jour.  In happier news, we are getting ready to go spend the day on the lake on my parent's boat, so that should be fun.  This is the kids' first time on the boat, I hope they like it.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

A Little Less Crazy

I am slightly less emotional than I was yesterday.  And I got more sleep, so yay!  Kickboxing really helped me out yesterday morning, I felt so much better.  After the gym I took my daughter to the open house at her preschool.  I really love the staff there, such wonderful people.  I don't think she's as crazy about her teacher this year (I really like her though!).  If my daughter had her way she would probably go back to Miss J's class, that's her teacher from last year.  I really like Mrs. H though, and she's also the director over there.  I have every confidence that she will be able to get A ready for kindergarten next fall.  Well, A is already there academically.  She's pretty much on the same page as her brother, but I'm referring to her getting used to doing more traditional school work and a school schedule, etc.  Also I need to send my son, R's application (and money) in for him to join Cub Scouts, and I need to register him for fall soccer.  Why I can never find anything about when soccer sign ups are is beyond me.  Oh, and I need to pay A's September tuition for dance.  By the time that's all said and done I will be broke, lol.  It's okay, totally worth it.  I want them to want to be involved.

In other news, I have a head cold.  Oh joy of joys.  Last weekend of summer, so of course I would get sick.  Just like I was sick over Spring Break.  No clue what's wrong with me, I never get sick.  Never ever ever.  Of course I also never used to spend so much time around school children and public parks and play areas, so maybe that has something to do with it......

I am absolutely going to weigh in today though, I need what I feel is an accurate weigh.  I stepped on the scale this morning (BEFORE going to the bathroom, k?) and 120 even.  Reeeeaaaallllly?  Because that means on the WW scale I'm 119.6!  Under 120!  I stepped on two more times to make sure, but we all know by now how obsessive I am with things being accurate and for me the WW scale is the ultimate final last word.  This day might not suck after all. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do with the kids today.  Summer is winding down, and I don't want them to be stuck inside doing nothing, but my head alone feels like it weighs 120lbs.  My mom has it too which really sucks because tomorrow she and my step dad were going to take the kids out on the boat for the first time ever!  I'm so happy I didn't say anything to the kids because I wouldn't want them to be disappointed.  But I'm disappointed.  They would have had so much fun.  I guess there's always next year......

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Mommy Guilt

I would like to start off by saying that I hopped on the scale this morning (surprise surprise, right?) and I am happy to report I am back to 120.4!  Also I have been back OP for two straight days, looking to go for number 3 here!

Now on to what I would really like to talk about.  As most of you know, I have the wonderful opportunty to work from home 90% of the time, which means I get to spend a lot of time with the most amazing people in the world, my children.  So last night my son says to me "Mommy, when do we get to spend time together?"  And my initial thought was "Is he serious?  I spend almost every waking hour with them!"  And I love it, I really do.  There is nothing I would rather do than be with my babies, but it kind of upset me that he thought we don't spend enough time together.  There's just not enough hours in the day to spend more time with them.  If there was, I would do it.  Now I realize this was probably just a tactic to be able to stay up later, but it still made me feel bad.

So I ended up having this dream last night where the kids and I were somewhere that was completely flooded, like we were legit just floating around, and the water was freezing!  And there was no way to get out of the water.  And we're floating and in the dream I was thinking "Holy shit, we're going to freeze to death.  We are all going to die."  And I just kept the kids as close to me as I could to try and keep them warm.  Well that lovely dream woke me at about 4 AM.  Awesome.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how life is short, and we're never promised tomorrow.  Hell, we're not even promised 5 minutes from now, and how it's important to make every second count.  So I'm thinking of cancelling my cruise.  Woah, did I just say that?  Yeah, yeah I did.  I wouldn't leave my cabin mates hanging (because then they would have to pay for me too), I would find some one else to take my spot first, but I'm thinking of taking my cruise money and taking my kids on a trip instead.  I mean, when it's all said and done, between the room, and the airfare (or train fare) and spending money I would have spent $2000 on myself. 2 GRAND.  How can I do that?  How can I spend that kind of money on me in one shot AND abandon my kids for an entire week?  I just don't think I can do that.

I called my mom at about 5:30, I knew she was up and I talked to her about it and she thinks I should not do anything yet and just really think about it.  I know that if she thought I was wrong for going or if I was being selfish, she would tell me, but she thinks I could use the time for myself.  She thinks it would be good for me.  While I agree that, yes, everyone needs a break, everyone needs a little R&R, why can't I just take a small weekend getaway to like AC or something?  Why do I need to spend a shit ton of money and be in the middle of the Carribean for a week?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  So that's it I guess.  I only have one more week with my kids before school starts, I'm going to go enjoy it with them.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Feels So Good

Yesterday was awesome.  I followed my food plan, I did 80 minutes on the treadmill at 4mph and the incline was set to 3.  I also did some upper body strength training.  And yes it feels so good.  Today I'm not sure what I'm doing as far as working out, I will probably end up doing one of my videos here at home.  Then I plan on taking the kids to Pump It Up for their pop n playtime today at 11.  It's an indoor facility that has bounce houses and inflatable slides and stuff like that.  And it's convienently located kind of by the mall, so......=)

I'm feeling a little better today, thank goodness.  I think it's just allergies.  Oh, so I took the kids to Wal Mart yesterday to get stuff for back to school and we ended up getting interviewed for a segment our local radio station is doing on back to school.  I don't know if we're going to get used, but it was kind of cool. 

I can't believe summer is over and I haven't taken the kids to the shore yet.  So guess what I'm doing this weekend?  Yup.  Call me crazy, I hate going there on the weekends and Labor Day weekend is going to be a nightmare but I promised we would go before the end of summer, and I don't get paid til Friday, so Saturday it is.  As much as I love taking the kids there, I am not looking forward to this.  But summer just isn't summer without at least one trip down.  The kids have literally spend every summer of their lives down there.  P and I started taking each of them when they were only 2 month old.  We can't skip it, it doesn't feel right.

So that's about it, I gotta get my day started I guess.....

Monday, August 27, 2012

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back?

I feel like I'm really starting to fall off the wagon here.  I do great during the week, but my weekends are so screwy that I end up going waaaay over on my eating.  I am so happy P won't be taking the kids for the next few weeks, it will give me a chance to get back on track and stay there.  Also something I think that is sabbotaging (I know I probably butchered that spelling but you know what I mean) me is that I miss eating what everyone else eats.  I am so afraid of not knowing exactly what the calorie count is that I don't want to eat it.  So last night I went on My Fitness Pal and I planned my meals from now until Wednesday, and I was able to include for tomorrow night the left overs my mom gave me.  I am going to have turkey breast and stuffing and I'll make myself some broccoli or something.  I plugged it in and made the rest of Tuesday's food work around that so I could have it.

This is what always happens.  I get to where I want to be, or really close to it and then I start going back in the other direction.  I have been letting too many things slide lately and I can't anymore.  As of this morning I am 121.6.  A week and a half ago I was 120.4.  Granted, I don't know how accurate that was because that was before I went to the bathroom (which TMI, I hadn't done since Saturday), but anyway the point is that the scale is creeping up and it's time to Hulk Smash it back down.

I'm not feeling too great.  My throat is killing me.  I wanted to take step class this morning, but not sure if I could make it through, so instead I'm going to hit the treadmill and do another 4 1/2 mile walk like I did Saturday.  I burned even more calories doing that than I do in step and I'm not huffing and puffing so much so it should be easier on my throat.  After the gym I have to head to Shop Rite and get my groceries for the week, and then I have to figure out something to do with the kids.  So that's about all I got for now.  Hope you guys enjoyed your weekend!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Playing Center

Yesterday my plans got all switched around.  My dad called me and asked if I could come down in the afternoon to help my aunt with my grandfather since he and my brother weren't going to be home.  So of course I said I would come and help out, that's what family does, right?  So I went for a nice 4 1/2 mile walk before heading into work for a few hours, then it was off to Bergen County.

Now if you remember (I don't feel like surfing through my old posts to put a link) my grandad fell and broke his hip back in April and has been back and forth between the hospital and the rehab center with a whole bunch of problems ever since.  Well he finally came home last week but he needs 24/7 care.  He still can't walk, the poor guy can't even sit up by himself.  And my dad and his siblings can't afford to put him in a home or hire a private nurse (medicare and the VA will only pay for 16hrs of private nursing PER WEEK, wtf is that?) so it's up to my aunt, dad, and brother to take care of him.  You can just imagine how tired and tense everyone is over there.

I spend the night down there since I was supposed to come down for lunch today anyway and I had to pick up the kids from P's house which is in between my house and my dad's.  Well my dad had called me earlier this week wanting me to talk to my brother about his attitude towards helping out with grandad.  Apparently he helps but not without a lot of complaining.  I get it, it's not pleasant, no one really WANTS to do all the stuff for grandad, but it needs to be done.  My brother gets back last night and starts complaining that dad doesn't treat him like an adult and that he just changes plans all the time and expects A (my brother) to just accomidate these changes.  These two are always butting heads.  So this morning I got to play referee as usual.

The problem is this.  They're both right, and they are both hot tempered and stubborn.  Dad is right that A should totally help out more since he is living there, dad still gives him money when he needs it and pays for things for him, and also it's family, you need to suck it up.  A is right, dad needs to keep A aware of his plans and not make demands of him.  Like instead of saying to my brother "A, you're going to do this, if you don't like it, tough shit," he needs to say, "Hey A, I could really use your help with this, would you mind?"  And my brother will be more than happy to help out, he just wants to be asked and treated like an adult.  But they can't have a conversation because they both get super defensive and start interrupting eachother and yelling over eachother and it's no good.  Add in the stress of having to take care of grandad and it's a disaster.  So it's up to me to help them actually communicate.  Fun, fun times.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Quick Post Non Catchy Title

I did kind of better yesterday.  I only had one more slice of pizza than I had planned on, and dinner I had 2 tacos from Taco Bell and a biscuit from KFC.  If it had stopped there it wouldn't have been so bad.  P ended up taking the kids so I had a few drinks.  Nothing crazy like 2 weeks ago (oh Lord I CAN'T do that again), I only had four.  But then I also had 1/2 cup of ice cream, a dinner roll (90 calories/2PP), a 100 calorie pack of Doritos, and a few Stacy's pita chips.  I counted everything and I still have 8 weeklies left so still OP!  And I went to spinning yesterday and walked for about 2 hours so it's kind of balanced, right?  I'm not going out today, actually have to go to work.  I'm thinking about walking there.  It's a good hike.

I really don't have anything else to say today so yeah, gonna end this post.  Have a great Saturday!

Friday, August 24, 2012

WI, Smores, & Shopping

Up .2.  I had it coming though.  I splurged Thursday, Friday, and a little on Saturday too as well as not hitting the gym for almost a week.  I ended up splurging last night too, more than I had anticipated.  I took the kids to my friend's boyfriends house to make smores, and I might have had one....or four.  Whatever.  Yesterday is over, this WW week is over and today is a clean slate.

Yesterday was a pretty good day over all.  We were at the park for over an hour, came home, had lunch, and then hit up the mall where I was able to get some shopping done.  I was sooooo happy I was able to find those pants I saw last week at Garden State with Kelly.  So I got those and the shirt I wanted.  And the best part?  My friend that went with me is a college student and so I was able to get a discount!  I saved $10!  H&M also had this super adorable cheetah print dress on sale for $10.  I really wanted it, but I have no place to wear it to so it stayed on the hanger.  Actually (and this thought literally just popped into my head just now) I should go back and buy it because I saw this cute cheetah costume in the Halloween store, but it's $65!!  I could get the dress, put a pair of black leggings under it and then just get the ears and call it a day.  Sweet, gonna have to do that now, lol.  Also I tried this on at Forever 21

But didn't get it.  I just wasn't thrilld wth how it looked on me.  I don't have enough of an hour glass figure to wear it.  That's my daughter holding Perry the Platypus off to the side there.  She loved the dress.  I am going to be in big trouble with that girl.  We went into Coach for the hell of it (OMG Kelly they had my glasses!!) and she saw this off white clutch that had pink butterflies on it and asked me to buy it for her!  I really have created a monster witht that one.....

So today I am taking them to see their dad.  I agreed to bring the kids down for the day again, but not sure whether or not he's going to keep them.  Anyway, the plan is to take them to Chuck E Cheese for lunch, and I'm going to see if I can talk him into going to see Paranorman.  Also, I'm going to bring gum this time.  Gum and coffee so if I start getting stressed and want to eat like last week I have something else to do.  So that's it.  Heading to spinning in a little bit.  Have a great day!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Waaay Too Early

So I really hoped I would never have cause to blog about this again, but crazy people just seem to stay crazy and it's irritating.  Okay, so remember this post about that crazy lady and the ticket?  Well things have been quiet (thank God) until last night.  Well, early this morning.  She sent me a text at 12:30 AM asking for her ab rocket back.  Okay, really?  You needed to text me in the middle of the night to ask for your ab rocket?  SMH.  Whatever.  So I text her back this morning and tell her 1. Don't text me in the middle of the night making demands 2. If you want m to do something, ASK me, don't TELL me and 3. I don't want anyone that's even distantly related to her within 500 feet of my property and to figure out another way for me to get it back to her.

So she texts me back saying not to tell her how to speak, to drop the ab rocket off with D (who is the mom of my friend that ended up going to the concert with me) and that she still can't believe I lied to her over this ticket.  I replied back saying that if she and D were such good friends, maybe she should ask D who ended up using the ticket I "never had".  And then she goes, D already told me you took her.  Okay, so then you ADMIT there had to be a second ticket.  If I never bought the other ticket as you claim, how in the HELL did I take some one with me??  Well she couldn't answer that, surprise surprise.  Her response was to just leave the ab rocket with D. 

At this point I was getting a little heated.  I said it before and I will say it again, she is the female version of P, and P has this way of just getting me going, without even really trying.  I swear to God I am not like this with anyone else.  I can be the bigger person, I can be calm and rational, I can walk away, but not with him and apparently not with her either.  I texted back saying I would be more than happy to leave it with D as soon as she did one of two things.  Either explain to me how D's daughter was able to use a ticket I "never had" or just admit that she was wrong.  I said admitting you're wrong isn't hard, I do it when I'm wrong.  Watch, I'll even go first.  It was wrong of me to pay you back in change.  It was funny as hell, but it was wrong, I let my anger and frustration get the better of me.

See readers? I'm not this horrible, mean, lying immature bitch that som would make me out to be.  I was wrong and I admitted it.  Not hard.  But anyways, it's 7:30 and she already was able to raise my blood pressure several points and give me a headache.

In other news, kids and I went to the pool yesterday.  Holy Hannah was it cold!  And yes, I wore my bikini.  Sorry Kelly, forgot to take a pic, but I will!  We had such a great time.  Today is WW.  I hopped on the scale this morning, up .2 from last week.  I just have to buckle down a little more this week.  I know, I know, it's only .2 but if I do that every week slowly but surely the weight will all just creep back up so if I put it on one week, I have to take it back off the next.  No gym today, just going to walk.  This is my "rest" day.  Tomorrow I have spinning with Stacy.  I really really love her spin class and am looking forward to it.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Figuring It Out

So I think I finally figured out why I've been in such a funk lately.  I'm done.  I mean technically I want to lose 5 more pounds, but I don't feel like I have to.  If I can just keep working on the toning certain areas I can be happy at 120.  So I'm done, this part of the journey is over for me.  And I kind of feel like I'm in limbo.  I can't go back up, I won't.  I COULD go down, but not too much further otherwise I'll start looking sick.  So here I am kind of stuck and I don't know what to do with myself.  It's like the first time the kids went to their dad's for the weekend.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

And here I am again, unsure what to do.  I mean I know that I have to keep exercising and watching my calorie intake, but it's finding the balance between not losing and not gaining that has always been the problem for me.  For me this is the scariest part of the journey, the hardest part.  Losing weight is the easy part (well not easy but easy in comparison to maintaining).  It's all because of my eating disorder and I know that.  If the scale isn't going down, then to me, I have failed.  I suck, I'm not working hard enough.  Then one of two things happens, I continue to lose and start looking emaciated or I give up and start gaining again.  I think I am actually going to stay for my meeting this week instead of just weighing in and leaving.  I want to weigh in because I want the accountability so I don't start gaining again, but I don't because I don't want to drive myself crazy.  So I'm not sure what to do.

So that's about where I stand right now.  And I'm stressing out a little.  Not just about this whole weight thing, but normal life stuff in general.  At the beginning of summer I feel like I was so much happier and now summer's almost over and I feel like I didn't get half the the things accomplished that I wanted to.  Almost like I wasted the entire summer.  It just sucks.  And what the hell is up with me and this "wasting time" thing I've got going on here?  Suck it up and just keep going!  I need to just focus on what I need to do TODAY instead of being upset over what I DIDN'T do yesterday.  I really want to smash my head into the wall, maybe I can knock some sense into me.  Maybe I've just biten off slightly more than I can chew.  On top of my normal stresses, a friend of mine got into a bit of a situation and I offered to help her out and already it's kind of taking a toll on me.  But she's my friend and she would do the same for me (I think!).  Maybe I need to take a lesson from Holly and just breathe.....

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


It felt so good to get back to the gym yesterday.  I had a real sense of accomplishment.  Today I will be heading to spin class at 9:30, I am soooo ready!  Eating was pretty on point.  The only thing I had that was extra was a sugar free pudding (only 60 calories) at about 8 last night.  I was starving and needed SOMETHING.  So not too bad.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was laying in bed not wanting to get up and my mind kept drifting to my high school days.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  I spend the first year and a half completely just stoned out of my mind.  I was over weight and insecure and felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  Most of my friends that I had had since grade school were still my friends, but they were all involved in sports and extra curriculars that I was too afraid to join and had made other friends through those things.  So I found my acceptance with the stoners.    By the time I got to my junior year I had stopped.  I got an after school job at a coffee shop with one of my friends and things were going okay.  However, I really really wish I had done a sport or been on the yearbook committee or student government or something.

High school wasn't really a bad time in my life.  I was never bullied or picked on or anything.  I was just invisible to anyone who wasn't my friend, which I guess isn't good or bad.  But high school wasn't great either.  It was just....there.  Like I said, I was heavy and self concious and I let that get in my way of doing things I wanted to do.  I was determined to make a change.  Junior year I had joined Weight Watchers for the first time, but ended up putting the weight back on before the school year even ended.  A month before senior year I started Slim Fast and my rapid decline into anorexia.  Luckily I have a great family, wonderful friends, and at the time a really supportive boyfriend who stuck by me through the whole thing. 

And when it was time for me to leave for college, I was heavy again.  I had such a hard time making friends because once again I felt fat and disgusting and walked with my head down.  It took me a while to make a friend and once I did that she was able to introduce me to a bunch of other people and so I finally had a group to hang out with.  They were all great wonderful people, I'm sad that I have lost touch with most of them.

The whole point is that I feel like I didn't get the most out of what were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.  Like I really missed out on a lot of things because I was so insecure and just hated the way I looked.  And I don't want to waste any more time.  I don't want to live without living if that makes any sense.  I'm really mad at myself for allowing my weight to have so much control over me.  I should have been in control of my weight instead of the other way around.  I also don't want my kids to have the same experiance or lack thereof.  I try to keep them as involved as I can, I try to have them try new things and step out of their comfort zones.  I don't want them to waste as much time as I have.  So my lovely readers, is there a time in your life you wish could go back and do over?