Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Figuring It Out
So I think I finally figured out why I've been in such a funk lately. I'm done. I mean technically I want to lose 5 more pounds, but I don't feel like I have to. If I can just keep working on the toning certain areas I can be happy at 120. So I'm done, this part of the journey is over for me. And I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. I can't go back up, I won't. I COULD go down, but not too much further otherwise I'll start looking sick. So here I am kind of stuck and I don't know what to do with myself. It's like the first time the kids went to their dad's for the weekend. I had no idea what I was supposed to do.
And here I am again, unsure what to do. I mean I know that I have to keep exercising and watching my calorie intake, but it's finding the balance between not losing and not gaining that has always been the problem for me. For me this is the scariest part of the journey, the hardest part. Losing weight is the easy part (well not easy but easy in comparison to maintaining). It's all because of my eating disorder and I know that. If the scale isn't going down, then to me, I have failed. I suck, I'm not working hard enough. Then one of two things happens, I continue to lose and start looking emaciated or I give up and start gaining again. I think I am actually going to stay for my meeting this week instead of just weighing in and leaving. I want to weigh in because I want the accountability so I don't start gaining again, but I don't because I don't want to drive myself crazy. So I'm not sure what to do.
So that's about where I stand right now. And I'm stressing out a little. Not just about this whole weight thing, but normal life stuff in general. At the beginning of summer I feel like I was so much happier and now summer's almost over and I feel like I didn't get half the the things accomplished that I wanted to. Almost like I wasted the entire summer. It just sucks. And what the hell is up with me and this "wasting time" thing I've got going on here? Suck it up and just keep going! I need to just focus on what I need to do TODAY instead of being upset over what I DIDN'T do yesterday. I really want to smash my head into the wall, maybe I can knock some sense into me. Maybe I've just biten off slightly more than I can chew. On top of my normal stresses, a friend of mine got into a bit of a situation and I offered to help her out and already it's kind of taking a toll on me. But she's my friend and she would do the same for me (I think!). Maybe I need to take a lesson from Holly and just breathe.....