Mommy Guilt

I would like to start off by saying that I hopped on the scale this morning (surprise surprise, right?) and I am happy to report I am back to 120.4!  Also I have been back OP for two straight days, looking to go for number 3 here!

Now on to what I would really like to talk about.  As most of you know, I have the wonderful opportunty to work from home 90% of the time, which means I get to spend a lot of time with the most amazing people in the world, my children.  So last night my son says to me "Mommy, when do we get to spend time together?"  And my initial thought was "Is he serious?  I spend almost every waking hour with them!"  And I love it, I really do.  There is nothing I would rather do than be with my babies, but it kind of upset me that he thought we don't spend enough time together.  There's just not enough hours in the day to spend more time with them.  If there was, I would do it.  Now I realize this was probably just a tactic to be able to stay up later, but it still made me feel bad.

So I ended up having this dream last night where the kids and I were somewhere that was completely flooded, like we were legit just floating around, and the water was freezing!  And there was no way to get out of the water.  And we're floating and in the dream I was thinking "Holy shit, we're going to freeze to death.  We are all going to die."  And I just kept the kids as close to me as I could to try and keep them warm.  Well that lovely dream woke me at about 4 AM.  Awesome.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how life is short, and we're never promised tomorrow.  Hell, we're not even promised 5 minutes from now, and how it's important to make every second count.  So I'm thinking of cancelling my cruise.  Woah, did I just say that?  Yeah, yeah I did.  I wouldn't leave my cabin mates hanging (because then they would have to pay for me too), I would find some one else to take my spot first, but I'm thinking of taking my cruise money and taking my kids on a trip instead.  I mean, when it's all said and done, between the room, and the airfare (or train fare) and spending money I would have spent $2000 on myself. 2 GRAND.  How can I do that?  How can I spend that kind of money on me in one shot AND abandon my kids for an entire week?  I just don't think I can do that.

I called my mom at about 5:30, I knew she was up and I talked to her about it and she thinks I should not do anything yet and just really think about it.  I know that if she thought I was wrong for going or if I was being selfish, she would tell me, but she thinks I could use the time for myself.  She thinks it would be good for me.  While I agree that, yes, everyone needs a break, everyone needs a little R&R, why can't I just take a small weekend getaway to like AC or something?  Why do I need to spend a shit ton of money and be in the middle of the Carribean for a week?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  So that's it I guess.  I only have one more week with my kids before school starts, I'm going to go enjoy it with them.