Sadness, Family Time, and Some Rambling

First and foremost I would like to send out my condolences to the families involved in yesterday's tradgedy.  What a horriffic, senseless act. I can't even begin to imagine how the parents of those who died feel.  Things like this really make you think "Wow, this can really happen anywhere" and it can also make you really appreciate what you have. I didn't even hear about it until late afternoon and the first thing I did was pull my son from school.  At that point he only had about 30 minutes left anyway, but I just needed to hug him. 

I need to change topics here before I start crying.  I couldn't even watch that on the news yesterday, it brought my to tears.  Anyway, yesterday was my dad's birthday.  So after I got R from school, we headed on over.  I brought london broil in my mom's special marinade that was apparently my dad's favorite way back when.  And upon my suggestion, my aunt made mac n cheese as a side, but she used my grandmother's recipe.  I thought it would be nice for my dad to have something that his mom used to make since she is no longer with us.  My grammy died when I was just 4 days old, so I never got the chance to know her.  I remember being at my dad's and sometimes my dad would make this mac n cheese and say that this was how his mom would make it.  I just thought it was a nice idea.  I blew through 34 weeklies yesterday, and that's alright with me.  Tracked it and  moving on!

So my friend, T went with me to celebrate my dad's birthday.  We dropped the kids off with P afterwards because he wanted them for the night, and we were already down there.  And then we proceeded to go hang out with my old college buddy J who also happens to live in that area.  On the way home, T and I are discussing men and dating.  She brought up how heavier people have a harder time attracting people, and it's really hard, yadda yadda yadda and how it would be so much simpler if she were thinner.  Now, as some one who has been heavy most of their life, I totally get what she's saying.  It was very hard for me to get guys' attention, and in fact out of all the boyfriends I've had, I only started dating 2 of them when I was heavy.  The rest I got when I was thin.

I told her I knew what she was talking about and that it sucked.  I spent most of my life just wishing I was thin so guys would pay attention.  Well now, I get lots of attention, but all these a-holes want is so sleep with me.  I can't find anyone genuine who will take me seriously.  I have just as hard a time as she does, I just need to weed through a lot more b.s.  I think dating in general is just really difficult, no matter how big or small you are, male or female, it's just hard and a little awkward.  And this is just so much different than it was in high school.  I am trying to take a break from the whole meeting people thing for right now.  Christmas is in 10 days and I really just don't have the time between now  and then to go out.

I was talking to  Kelly the other day and I said that I think part of my problem is that this is just really hard.  This is my first holiday season being single since 1999.  That's right, 1999.  Think about that a second.  I'm 28 and for the last 13 years of my life I have pretty much had a constant stream of boyfriends.  Sure I've had a few month gaps in between some of them, but for the most part I really have never been single.  And I think the realization of that may have something to do with why I've been struggling so much and why I've been spending so much time trying to find some one.  I really just have no idea how to be by myself.  So maybe I need this break, maybe I need to figure out me and who I am and what I want before I go out trying to find some one.  Now I'm just kind of rambling, so I'm going to stop right there lol.  So thanks for reading, and I will check in soon!