Saturday, June 30, 2012

2 Pics & an Update

Got my run in yesterday, restarted FE, did C1C, that felt good.  Hung outside ALL DAY.  And in a 2 piece!  Well a makeshift one.  I put on my tankini bottoms and this really comfy top from Kohl's that kind of looks like a sports bra but is so much more comfortable.  My stomach is utterly confused by the sun.  It has't seen it in 7 years.  And I got burned, but not all over my stomach which is weird, just in random patches.  That sucks because when it fades to a tan, it's going to be all splotchy.  Crap.

Anyway it was hotter than hades yesterday, even at 8 AM when I did my run.  I was so sweaty it was redic!
That's one of my kids' hands in there, please excuse that.  I don't even know why I bother wearing a sports bra, I really don't need it.  I do just fine in tanks that have a shelf bra.  Maybe I wanted to look like a more serious athlete?  Who knows, anyway, I told you I sweated like a mofo!

I'm going to try and get my run in this morning, but not sure if I can.  I have to leave by 9 to take the kids to their dad's and stupid me didn't do my daughter's laundry yesterday so she would have clothes.  Which means I have to do them this morning.  I just threw the in the dryer, hopefully they will be done in time so I can go for my run.  If not I will just have to do a work out video.  My mom always said not to leave home with the dryer going in case of a fire.  She's super paranoid like that, but I suppose I understand since my house DID catch fire once.  I was a baby so I don't remember, but I guess we were out somewhere and lighting had struck this tree next to the house causing it to catch fire and then the tree fell and landed on the attic causing the house to catch fire.  Luckily they caught it before everything was destroyed.  It never got past the attic.  Don't quote me on the chain of events here as it's been a while since I heard the story, but I think that's how it happened.

Tonight is the BBQ at my friend's house!  I'm so excited yet incredibly nervous!  I bought a brand new pair of Daisy Dukes this week (size 5!), but I think I might go back and try on the 3's.  If they're already tight, they may keep me in check a little better about what I'm eating.  I'm going to try them on before I buy them because I don't want them to look rediculous.  The 5's fit really nicely, but my butt and thighs are still big problem areas and I'm nervous about showing them off to everyone.  It's different than my cotton shorts because they're loose fitting and I can kind of tug at them and pull them down.  And no, I haven't been doing BBL.  If I had been maybe I wouldn't be bitching about my booty.  Whatever.

Oh and just for the hell of it, here's one of the pics that got all those responses on Fb.

It's a nice pic, not saying it's not, it hides my flaws well, but there's nothing spectacular about it.  So that's all I've got for you guys right now.  Hope you enjoy your Saturday, I know I'm going to!  I'll let you know how hungover I am in the morning!

Friday, June 29, 2012

WI 6/28 & Measurements

First off, I would like to thank those who commented yesterday for your concerns.  I think it's so awesome how people I don't know in real life, but that I have come to know so well here, care so much.  You guys are awesome, thank you.  And you must be telling the truth about how I look because I posted two pis on Fb last night (fully clothed, just jeans and a tee) and got 5 likes, 2 comments, a DM and a friend request.  And I don't even have boobs, right Kelly?  WTF, wow.  WI was not as bad as I had thought, only up .2 which puts me at 125.6.  I am going to restart FE though.  I think I may actually do it today instead of waiting until Monday. 

I'm going to have to really work hard this week for two reasons.  1) The smaller you are the harder it is.  I know this, we all know this.  2) I have 2 party/bbq type things I'm going to.  One of them I definately will NOT have the kids, they will be at their dad's.  No kids means I'm probably going to be drinking pretty heavily.  And by heavily I mean like a 6 pack.  I am not in college anymore, I can't hold my alcohol that well.  I am 60 lbs lighter and out of practice!  Yessir, gone are the days of drinking a half bottle of Bacardi as my pre-game.  I'm not kidding.  Drinking alters your judgement, which means I'll be eating more than I want to.  Great.  Oh well.

On to my measurements.  I did take them last month, I just didn't post them.  So on 5/25 my measurements were as follows:
Wasit: 29"
Hips: 32 1/2"
Thigh: 20"

As of today they are:
Waist: 28"
Hips: 32"
Thigh: 19"

And I took my chest measurements for shits and giggles, just to see what my "measurements" are.  I am 28-28-32.  No hourglass.  The numbers aren't bad, I just wish I looked more like a woman and not a 12 year old boy.  Well, I guess you can't have everything, right?  That's all I got for today guys, got to get some laundry done then head out for my run.  Have a great Friday!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

So We Meet Again, ED

Tonight is WI.  Little nervous.  I hopped on the scale this morning, 126.4.  While I really wasn't expecting a huge loss this week, I certainly was hoping at least I wouldn't gain, and not a full pound at that!  Maybe I need to lay off the Dunkin Donuts?  If it really IS that bad at WW tonight I may have to start doing FE again on top of my runs just to up my calorie burn.  We shall see.

Kelly recently blogged about male attention and not knowing how to react.  Here's something I can totally relate to.  Yup, this will be a blog post inspired by a blog post.  I actually had a guy ask me if I did any kind of fitness modeling or something.  Serious dude?  Have you SEEN my tummy?  After 2 kids and constant yo yo dieting my middle is a hot mess!  I'm still very insecure.  I will wear shorts out in public now, but I am constantly worried about how my thighs and butt look.  If I wear a form fitting shirt I am forever tugging at my pants trying to move them so I don't have a muffin top and my stomach is always sucked in. 

I changed my Facebook and Twitter pics last week and at the time I really loved the pic.  I took it almost 2 weeks ago when I got my tat.  I got a lot of likes and comments on Fb and a DM on Twitter telling me I am gorgeous (wtf, really?).  But the more I look at the pic, the more I think I look insanely huge. 

I feel like my butt is huge and that the way I'm standing makes it look like that's only one of my thighs, but it's not, it's both.  I have one leg slightly in front of the other.  But in any case I think it makes my thighs look big.  I can see a bit of a roll on my stomach.  I mean, I could keep going here.  Whatever it is that all of you see in this pic, is NOT what I see.  Thank you so much body dysmorphia.  I told you guys, the less I weigh the harder it is to keep those voices at bay.  And that is something I am really really struggling with right now. 

I am starting to over obsess about how much I weigh, how hard I push myself when I work out, what I'm eating, etc etc.  The added stress of dealing with my grandfather isn't helping either.  Eating disorders aren't really about weight.  Well they are, but they aren't.  They are about control.  Your weight, what you eat, and how much you exercise are things that are within your control.  I can't control what happens with grandad, but I sure as hell can control what I put in my mouth.  I can control if and how much I work out each day.  I have been in recovery for 10 1/2 years, I do NOT want to go back.  I have no idea what kind of internal damage I did last time, I don't know if it's been repaired or if it's irreversable, but I sure as hell don't want to destroy my insides anymore.  But it gets just a little harder every day. 

 I'm really not sure what to do at this point.  The only thing I really can do is try and keep fighting them off.  Those horrible voices in my head that tell me a cow looks thinner than I do.  The voices that make me feel guilty for eating crackers and chewing a 2nd piece of gum (Did you REALLY need those extra 5 calories Liz?).  I scream at them, I tell them they're wrong.  I don't look like a cow, I AM gorgeous, and if I want to chew a whole pack of gum I will f*cking do just that.  But they're still there, waiting for a weak moment.  They will always be there, my psychiatrist told me that when I was just coming out of it.  I may be able to make their shouts into whispers, I might be able to push them to the back of my mind, but I will never be able to silence those voices completely.  This is the worst it has been in years.  I cannot go back there, and I won't.  If I need to go see my Dr again I will, I just hope I am strong enough to not let it get to that point.  I'm glad that I have at least made enough progress to know when it's starting to become an issue and I know at what point I can't do it on my own anymore.  Time to get the kids dressed and head out for my run.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

New Day

I feel better now that I actually got some sleep.  I will feel MUCH better after I go for my run.  I haven't ran in 2 days!  I feel like such a slacker.  I did go for a couple of 4 mile walks though and yesterday I did 10 minutes of BBL's TT, and I did the first 25 min of Jillian's NMTZ.  So it's not like I have been completely lazy.  I haven't been running because my knees were really hurting.  I think going for runs 5 days a week is accpetable though and I am looking forward to really hitting the pavement in an hour.

My dad called me last night, my grandfather had to go for a CAT Scan.  He's been having tremors or something.  Not sure what the results are, I haven't heard yet.  It's so weird.  The last few years I have kind of been prepping myself for him to die.  Not because he was in poor health (although he had already had a hip replacement prior to this year plus a pace maker and I want to say double bypass), but because he is in his 80's and people don't live forever.  But now it just seems so much more real, and I think what hurts me the most is, as I said in yesterday's post, he's suffering.  And I hate it.  My grandfather is a good man who deserves to die peacefully in his bed, not in some random place with i.v.'s and tubes and not being able to remember where he is or who his family is.

Anyway, I think I'm done talking about that.  I don't feel like having a full on cry fest at the moment.  I stepped on the scale this morning.  Up 1.4.  WTF.  I have been using some of my weeklies, but I've been tracking everything and obviously I have been exercising.  I keep trying to tell myself that I had a huge loss last week and my body might just be trying to balance, plus I did weights yesterday and so I may have some fluid in my muscles.  But that's not helping.  I should take my measurements, it's about that time.  One good thing though, I was walking around in my bra looking for a shirt the other day and I looked in the mirror and I could see the outlines of a 6 pack!  I have a 6 pack!  Now I just need to get rid of the fat that's on top of it. Son of a bitch.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Really Sucks

So my grandfather isn't doing so well.  It's so bad in fact that my aunt had an appointment with the funeral home today to start discussing what needs to be done and costs and that sort of thing.  This is really super difficult and I don't really know how to handle it.  I spend last night at my dad's house and I wish I was there again tonight but I needed to come home.  I have a puppy who missed me while I was gone.  It's so much easier to find some one to take care of the kids than it is to find some one to take care of the dog.  Weird.

Anyway, I decided that since things with the guy who couldn't make up his mind didn't work out, I would hop back on the dating site and just kind of look at profiles, see if I liked any.  O.M.G. the amount of messages I recieved.  Which should make me feel super awesome.  But instead it made me feel like shit.  Because every single one of those guys is only interested in sleeping with me.  WTF.  I have it right there on my profile I am looking for something LONG TERM.  I want a relationship, not a booty buddy, thanks.  Once, just once, I would like to meet some one who is actually into me, the person, not me the sex object.  And then it hit me.  I have met some one like that.  The very first guy I met off the site, waaaay back in January.  It took him 5 dates to kiss me.  Five.  Just for a kiss, not even like a make out kind of kiss.  But I haven't seen him in almost 2 months, and until Sunday night I hadn't even talked to him in 2 weeks.  He texted me and appologized for not being around and he hoped I wasn't mad at him but things have been crazy.  I know his story and what's going on with him, so I believed him.  I told him I wasn't mad, I understood, but I did miss hanging out with him.  So I find a good guy, but he has too much drama going on (not his fault) to have time for me.  Shit.

I know I shouldn't sweat it, and finding a guy isn't like a top priority for me right now, but I would be lying is I said I didn't miss having some one.  And it would also be a lie if I said I wasn't insulted that men seem to only see me as one thing.  Which is kind of flattering, but it still sucks.  That's my rant du jour.  I hate men.  End of story.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Strange Happenings & FMM

Well this weekend gave me quite the interesting turn of events.  Seriously, what the hell is up with people?  I can't stand when people don't know what they want, but they still kind of pretend like they do.  Stop with the mind fuckery please, thanks so much.  Basically I was dating this guy, he said he was looking for something serious and long term which is great because that's what I want.  And we hung out and stuff and he would tell me how amazing I am (like I didn't already know! j/k), and this is all so wonderful it's just like a dream.  The other thing he said was that he "didn't want to lose me."  That's wat he said.  Those words "I don't want to lose you."  Aww, well that's sweet.  Then exactly one week later he tells me that this has moved way to fast, it's freaking him out, we should just be friends. Umm, ooookey.... What happened?  I wasn't the one saying that stuff and acting all super attatched and crap, that was you my friend.  That was Saturday.  At least he was man enough to tell me to my face and not text or facebook me or something.  But still, wtf.  I'm really not mad or upset about it, I'm just confused as shit.  But whatever, on to the next one.  I had myself a date last night so clearly I am not too broken up about this.  Although it is kind of a shame because he was really awesome and super cute.  Whatever.  On to FMM. Kenlie, wow, how super appropriate of you this week!

FMM: Dating

1. What is your current relationship status? (Be as specific as you’d like to be!) Single!
2. List a few qualities that you look for in a significant other. Honesty, ambition, intelligence, humor

3. If you could choose to date one character in TV or film, who would you choose? And which characteristics are most appealing? Joe Gorga! That man is sexy, funny, and wealthy!
4. How long should you date before becoming exclusive?  I really don't know.  Every relationship I have ever had, we have just been exclusive right off the bat, so I'm the wrong person to ask.  I guess it depends on the people involved and what they're comfortable with.

5. What are your thoughts on public displays of affection? Some kisses, hugging, and holding hands or putting your arms around eachother is fine. No groping or dry humping or anything like that though.

6. How has what you want in a mate changed throughout your life? It really hasn't. I've always wanted the same basic thing.
7. Do you kiss on the first date? I do

8. Would you date someone shorter than you? Eh, really not sure.  I hate to discount some one because of something that they can't control, like their height, but normally I'm attracted to guys taller than me.  Being only 5'0" that's not hard for me to find =)  Although the taller the better, my preference is 6'0" and over

9. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes and smile

10. Is it important to be friends first?  Not nessesarily. I find it hard to go from being friends to being a couple.  Most guys I've dated I met either out some where or online so I really wasn't friends with them first.  And yes, I have done online dating, it's so much easier to meet people (I think) that way.
11. How long should you wait before becoming intimate? Again, whatever both people are comfortable with.

12. Do you prefer to date older or younger? Older.  But not like super old.  Usually between 2-8 years age difference, although I am not completely opposed to dating men my own age or even maybe a year younger.

13. Biggest turn-on?  Arms! Omg, I looooove when a guy has nice arms.  Not body builder like, but defined, toned, and I love the veins in the forearm, when they're really prominant.  I know, I know, I'm effing weird but whatever.

14. Biggest turn-off? Guys who are really hairy, and if they have bad teeth

15. Describe your dream date.  Nick Hexum.  Oh you mean what would I like to do?  Depends.  It doesn't really matter, I can do fancy carraige ride in Cenrtal Park, Broadway show kind of thing, or we can eat pizza and go bowling or even just drive around and b.s.  I'm down for anything.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Really Don't Know What to Say

Isn't it funny how one minute everything is just so awesome and the next it feels like everything comes crashing down?  You're flying high and then your engines go out.  Boom.  Down you go.  And what can you do about it?  Nothing really.  Sure, you can TRY and aim for a body of water to land in, but you might not be able to make it.  Whatever.  I just hate people.  They have no clue what they want, at all, ever.  And I can admit that when it comes to the mundane, ordinary, every day stuff I'm as indecisive as they come.  But when you ask me about the big picture, what I want out of life, where I want to be in x amount of years, I don't even have to think about it.  And you know what?  My answer really hasn't changed in the last several years.  I know what I'm doing, where I'm going.  And if you don't, that's fine, but don't act like you do.  Because seriously it just confuses the hell out of people.  Don't say one thing and then do another.  That shit is annoying.

Anyway, went for my run yesterday, got to try out my new shoes.  LOVE them.  I was even able to ass on an additional .1 mile to my laps.  I only did 2 laps yesterday though because I was on a really tight schedule and running out of time.  That really sucked, I wanted to do more.  I am so looking forward to leaving here in a little bit and getting my run on.  I will feel so much better.

I went back to Bergen yesterday to visit my grandad.  He's really not doing so well.  It' really heartbreaking.  He didn't remember me (not that that was surprising), and he was talking but it wasn't making any sense.  I mean he was formulating sentences well, and the words all made sense but we (my cousin and I) would ask him a question and his answer would have nothing to do with what we asked.  I have never had to deal with something like this before.  I mean I have dealt with death and everything, but never with the slow decline of a person.  This is really really tough.

That's about all I have for today.  I want to go get ready for my run, I really need it today.   

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Rough Day & Treating Myself

So yesterday was pretty rough.  I got my run in, went to the mall to get the tights Amber needs for her recital, and dropped Ricky off at his dad's.  I took Amber and we headed to Bergen County where I picked up my aunt (the one from Africa) and my cousin, J, who just flew stand by from Chicago whom I haven't seen in a good 8 years.  Yeah.  We went to go see my grandad, and he is not doing so well.

My aunt stayed down in the lobby and watched Amber so J and I could go see him.  He didn't remember J which isn't super surprising since he hasn't seen him in almost a decade.  It took him maybe 5 minutes and a lot of us mentioning J's parents for grandad to remember.  Then he looked at me.  His granddaughter.  The one he has seen every other weekend since forever.  The one who just saw him Father's Day.  And he didn't remember me.  He thought I was J's girlfriend!  I wasn't hurt or offended, but I was heartbroken.  Not because he didn't remember me specifically, but because he couldn't remember something so basic.  He sees me quite a lot so he should have known, but he didn't.  J and I spent about a half hour with him before he dismissed us.  He thanked us for coming to see him and he started saying good bye.  He looked at me and said "I love you so much, we had a lot of good times." And that made me feel worse.  Like he was saying good bye good bye, you know?  J made it to the elevator before he broke down, I made it back onto the highway before I just lost it.  I'm going down there again today after Amber's dress rehearsal.
I'm very upset with myself.  I have only been to see him 4 times since he broke his hip.  It's only an hour away, it's really not that far.  I could make a million excuses as to why I haven't been there, but all they are are excuses.  I feel really bad, I wish I could go back and make it a point to go every week or something.  But I can't.  I wish I could just create more time with him, which I kind of can and can't do.  I can create it by going more, but I can't just actually physically create time.  I wish I could go back to before he fell.  I wish that every time I went to visit my dad I spent more time with my grandad.  I'm thankful that at least I got to see him as much as I have and that he got to meet and really get to know my kids.  How many of us can say we've met our great grandparents, you know?  I just think that's such a cool, special thing. 

I don't want to lose him, but I don't want him to suffer either.  And I can tell he's suffering.  Even if he gets better, the doctors say that he is going to need 24/7 care if he is ever even able to be released.  This is so very very hard.  I don't think anyone should ever have to spend whatever time they have left like that.  I think they should be in good condition and at home where they're comfortable and just drift off in their sleep.  But that's in a perfect world, and this world is far from perfect, unfortunately.   And to be honest, I'm really kind of pissed off at my other 2 cousins.  One, C, lives here by me and is a police officer here in town, I'm sure I've mentioned him before.  The other is his sister, B.  I know she used to live in Central Jersey and that she recently moved.  But you know what?  If my one aunt can drive down from Rhode Island, and my cousin can fly in from Chicago, and my other aunt can come from freaking AFRICA of all places, surely you can be able to get your asses there at least once.  There is NO excuse for living in the SAME DAMN STATE and not coming.  NONE. 

I understand C is a cop and has a crazy schedule, but he had time to go get engagement photos taken.  He had time to go golfing with his dad and my brother.  Obviously he has SOME free time.  I mean, I understand that some people just don't handle these kinds of situations well.  I know I don't.  But he could go once.  Just once.  Going to see my grandad is not something I'm really enjoying at the moment.  Not because I don't love him or that I don't want to spend time with him, but because seeing him deteriorate like this shatters my heart into about 5 million pieces.  I think that's why I'm so upset with myself.  I've been putting my feelings first which is why I haven't gone.  I could have made time, my dad would be more than happy to put gas in my tank if I really needed it.  I just don't like seeing him this way.  And that makes me feel like such a selfish bitch.  Like my feelings are more important than those of my grandad.  Like I don't care if he wants to see me, I don't want to see him like that so I'm not going.  Well f*ck my feelings.  If he's on borrowed time right now, I need to think about him and not me.

So I was very upset by all of this as you can imagine.  I needed to do something to make me feel better.  So I went to Dunkin Donuts.  I got a small iced coffee and I had one munchkin.  Then Amber and I went to Kohl's where I finally bought myself a good pair of running shoes.  Nothing like a little retail therapy to lift your mood, and I bought something practical (and on sale!).  Go me.  Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer guys.  I just need to let this all out.  Until next time.....

Friday, June 22, 2012

Official WI 6/21 & Other Stuff

Down 4.8 lbs!  What?!?!?  Damn, maybe I should take a break from traditional exercise more often!  I have blown past my WW goal, which I changed from 120 to 128.  Mostly because I don't want to keep shelling out the $40/month.  I am almost to me ACTUAL goal of 115.  10.4 more pounds to go!  I can't believe how close I am.

Went for my run yesterday.  I did the same 1.8 miles in .6 mile incriments, and I hope to do it again today.  Next week I want to up the distance I can jog/run at a time just slightly.  Like say .8 miles at a time instead of .6.  I think that maybe by like Monday I should be able to do that as long as I keep going on a consistant basis, right?  And I pick up BBL where I left off, I start week 3 today.  It will be good to get back to it.

So we went to the lake yesterday.  The kids had such a great time.  We left around 2 though because the heat was just so extreme.  I literally felt like I was being cooked, and so did the other mom I went with,  I really sucked because I couldn't go all the way in the water.  That's what I get for getting a tattoo during the summer months I suppose.  I was so happy I was able to rock my tankini.  Even though it was mismatched.  I could only find the bottoms for one pair and the top for the other.  Oh well, I didn't look overly rediculous.  I haven't worn either of those pieces in 3 years!  The bottoms were a little snug, I was about 5lbs lighter when I bought them.  Whatever.

Anyway I was having like the best day ever yesterday.  I was feeling on top of the world.  I have 2 wonderful children, amazing family & friends who love and support me, I have a job, I'm finally no longer even overweight (my BMI is in the normal range!), and then of course I have the reason for my awesome moods lately.  I wish I could just shout it from the roof tops, but I can't, not yet.  Although you guys can probably guess what's been going on. ;)  So things are going just awesome and then I get a phone call.  My grandad (who if you remember broke his hip back in April & has been bounced back & forth between the hospital & rehab center since then) has taken a turn for the worse again.  He was doing so much better, I just saw him Sunday.  He's able to eat solid food again (pureed, but at least he's not eating through a feeding tube!) and he was all smiles and doing his rehab.  Now he has an irregular heartbeat, some wounds that are just not healing, and probably some other stuff that my dad is choosing to withhold from me since apparently the staff has asked my family what they want them to do.  You know, if he stops breathing or something. 

My grandad isn't young, he's 86 years old.  For the last few years I think we have all been prepping ourselves because he's getting up there in age, no one lives forever.  But now that all these things are going so wrong it seems like it's actually real, like he may actually die.  If that make any sense.  I've always known he was going to die, we all are, it's a part of life, but what I guess I'm trying to say is that now it's actually hitting me like "Shit, he really could die" and it seems like much more of a realistic possibility.  My aunt who was supposed to go back to Africa (remember she flew home for 4 weeks because of grandad) canceled her flight and is still here.  She wa supposed to leave Wednesday.  I can't possibly take that as a good sign. So anyway, if you guys could just keep my grandad in your thoughts and prayers I would appreciate it.  Until next time.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

I Think I'm in Love

I know on Thursdays I normally post at night after WI, but I think I'll just start posting my results in my Friday morning entry.  You guys can wait, right?  Anyway, something amazing has happened.  I do believe I have fallen in love.  I never thought that it would happen, and so unexpectedly.  Just out of the blue, yesterday, it hit me.  Woah.  This is something I want.  Yup, I have fallen in love with running.  I made the decision yesterday morning.  I HAD to workout and I wanted to get the kids outside before the heat took over.  Why not kill two birds with one stone, right?  So the kids rode their bikes around the track while I ran.  I started with a 3 minute walking warm up then started picking up my pace.  As I have said a million times before, I am so NOT a runner.  I didn't go very fast, didn't want to overdo it, didn't want to kill myself the first time.

I managed to do an entire .6 miles without stopping!  Then I walked for a few minutes and then I did it again!  And then I walked and did it a third time!  In total I ran 1.8 miles in just under 20 minutes.  I know that is probably really really slow, but I'm slowly working into it.  I have every intention of going running again in about 40 minutes or so.  I can't even believe how much I love it.  I thought I would hate it, because I have always hated it.  Not that I have ever actually run, but if I sprint to catch up to some one I can't stand it.  Never would I have believed that I could turn into a runner.  I will be resuming BBL tomorrow, but not doing RI30 anymore, I'm bored.  I'm going running instead.

It's going to be uber hot again today, so I am planning on taking the kids to the lake where we are going to meet up with some friends.  I'm going to work on getting rid of some of the rediculous tan lines I have.  My arms, back, chest, and shoulders are so tan right now it's crazy.  I have never been this tan without having had a wicked sunburn first that faded to a tan.  I am loving this!  I just need the rest of me to look the same.

I have been in such a good mood lately.  Big things have been happening, good things, and I just feel like on top of the world right now.  It has been a long long time since I have been this happy.  Sometimes I feel like this is just some amazing wonderful dream and I am going to wake up and things will be as they were.  Almost too good to be true.  Well I have to get ready to hit up the park, enjoy your day and stay cool!  I will leave you with a pic.  This is me after my run yesterday feeling like I was about to die, lol.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Swing of Things

I'm trying to hard to get back into the swing of things.  My eating has been on point.  My exercising?  Eh, not o much.  I did some stuff on my own, sans videos on Monday.  And that was it.  I haven't like actually worked out in about a week.  And I feel sluggish.  I know I need to workout, I just am severly lacking the motivation to do so.  Not sure how to fix that.  I was in such an awesome workout groove and now.....nothing.  Le sigh.

Happy first day of summer!  This Jersey girl NEEDS to hit the shore, like ASAP.  Too bad I already spent all my money on 311 tickets.  Priorities people!  Next week is only supposed to be in the upper 70's, but today and tomorrow it's supposed to be in the 90's, so this really would have been the time to go.  Oh well, summer is just starting, we have time.  But still, I'm not used to waiting so long to hit Seaside.  I freaking hate being broke, for reals.

I'm actually thinking I may go for a run this morning.  I'll get the kids' bikes, head over to the park, and let them ride while I try not to die, lol.  If I'm going to do that though, I have to go soon before it' sweltering.  I've always wanted to take up running, but it's never been my thing.  I'm looking to make it my thing.  First I need to head over to Target and get my daughter tights that she needs for her recital this weekend and I want to buy one of those armbands I can put my iPod in.

And lastly, happy 2nd birthday to my lil pup Angel.  You are the biggest pain in my ass, but I love you so so so much!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Return to Normalcy

It feels good to be back on schedule.  I FINALLY got a decent night's sleep, 7 1/2 hours!  I have been running off of 2 1/2 - 4 hours since last Wednesday.  Yeah, I know no good.  I haven't done any official workouts since Wednesday either.  I have been watching what I have been eating, and doing informal workouts.  That seems to have worked, because I hopped on the scale this morning, and am down 2 lbs since Friday!  Sweet! 

The kids went to their dad's this weekend, as they have been doing most weekends.  As much as I miss them, it is so nice to have some time to myself.  I get to relax, get some housework done, see people I don't normally get to see.  I eat, sleep, and breathe my kids, so I think I am entitled to a break.  Not that I really have a choice, P is their dad and has every right to see them.  I think maybe that's why I don't feel guilty about not having them.  Before he and I split, on the very very rare occasion we would ask our parents to take them overnight so we could go out, I would feel so incredibly guilty handing my children over to some one else so I could do something selfish.  I know that all parents need a break, and need some grown up time, but I would always just feel so terrible about it. 

Anyway, I made good use of my free weekend.  My brother came up and got his first tattoo and I sat with him until it was time for my appointment and I got my second.  And then he surprised me and told me he was paying for mine as a late birthday present!  I have the best brother ever.  I have plans for one more tat, I want it on my ribcage.  Not quite brave enough yet though, I know that was is gonna hurt like a mother!  The one I did get kind of completes the one I already had.  I had some lyrics on my right hip, and I finished them off now on my left.  You can't see them unless I'm in my bathing suit, they're just for me.

Yesterday I went to my dad's for Father's Day.  We went and visited my granfather in the rehab and then went back to the house for a cookout.  My dad, step mom, brother, and I played some Scrabble and just hung out.  It was such a fun day.

The kids and I have a trip to the LOMB today with a group.  We bought the tickets in advance so we culd get the group rate.  The thing that sucks about it though is that we're locked into this date, and I think it's a little cool out (and overcast right now) for it.  *shrugs*  Oh well. 

I had such an amazing weekend.  I am the happiest I have been in a long time, I just can't stop smiling.  I have like this glow and some pep in my step despite the severe lack of sleep.  That's all I got for you guys right now.  Will check back tomorrow! 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Sorry I Disappeared

Sorry I haven't been around, I have had the best, yet craziest weekend ever.  I feel like I haven't been home at all.  But this weekend was just so amazing.  I really don't even have the words.  And I have a feeling that a lot of my weekends are going to end up being like this one, which is totally fine with me!  So that's it, just a quick hello, I will write an actual post tomorrow.  Still here, still OP, oh and I have some fresh ink ;)  Have a great night!

Friday, June 15, 2012

Friday Fun Day

TGIF!  I am so so so happy today is the LAST day I have to get up.  Which normally doesn't bother me, but I've really been burning the midnight oil this week.  This is the 2nd night in a row I've been up til after 3am.  I really need to cut that out.  I have every intention of taking a nap while the kids are at school today.  I already told work that I would come in this weekend instead.  After my nap I am going to pump myself full of coffee.  I really need to look into an i.v. drip if I'm going to continue these late nights.

So I stepped on the scale this morning.  I just needed to.  And I didn't do it in my weigh in clothes, I have shorts and a tank top on so I know that the number is going to be less than if I wore my jeans.  I just wanted to get a better sense of how much I actually weigh.  129.8!  129, that's less than 130!  I am so completely ecstatic that I am actually under 130.  And I even weighed after eating breakfast, so I have food and coffee sitting in my stomach.  Very excited!

I need to find the motivation and energy to work out today.  I'm supposed to start week 4 of RI30 and BBL only wants me to do sculpt.  I'm sure I can fit these in.  So that's it.  Kids are supposed to go to their dad's today, so I have the whole weekend to myyself.  I am going to miss them like crazy, but this is a great opportunity to catch up on that sleep I've been missing ;)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Official WI 6/14

Down 1.8!  Yes!!  So I'm getting there.  Today was a rest day for me, although I did go for two 20 minute walks.  But that's okay.  Oh, and those 7's I bought a few months back?  They fit!  They're still a little snug, but they fit.  So that's exciting. 

I'm extremely exhausted today.  I was on the phone until 3:30 this morning, oops.  And I got up at 5:45.  I am so beat, but it was totally worth it.  Coffee was my best friend today.  Although I did burn my tongue.  I had a headache when I first got up due to lack of sleep, and instead of being an intelligent person and getting a glass of water, I decided to try and take Advil with my coffee.  Lesson learned.  Despite all that, I was in a super fantastic mood all day.  Smiles all up in this bitch.

Tomorrow is the last day of school for both my kids.  Summer break is here!  Oh crap, I have to be in a swimsuit in 4 days.  No bueno.  At all.  Now that summer is here, I am really going to buckle down.  I'm so close to wear I want to be, I can't stop now. However the weight I'm at now is the weight I plataued at last time.  I know I spelled that wrong, but I am far too tired and lazy to try and look it up.  You know what I mean.  Anyway, so here I am at this weight again, and I'm terrified of being stuck here, again.  I'm just hoping that if I stay OP, and do my workouts like I'm supposed to I'll be able to bust through to the 129 mark.  I'm 130.2, sooooo close!  I got stuck at 130 last time, the scale would not even be so kind as to give me 129.9.  Bastard.

Less than 48 hours til tattoo time!!  Holla!!  Still unsure about which I'm going to get.  It doesn't really matter, I will end up with both eventually, it's just which one to get first.  I think I might get the matching one to what I currently have.  That would make the most sense.  So that's it, I'm tired, calling it a night.  Have a good one!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Last Day

Today is my last day of level 3 in my RI30 challenge.  Scared does not even begin to cover my feelings on starting level 4.  This stuff is mean!  It looks easy, going into it you're thinking "I can do this, no problem" and then 10 seconds in you're saying "Ow, ow, ow, ow".  It's weird because I was the most out of breath in level 1, but doing level 3 even my hands sweat.  Not my palms, but the backs of my hands.  I was unaware they could sweat.

I'm doing alright in my BBL challenge.  Monday I didn't do it.  I got RI30 in but completely flaked on BBL.  I just really needed a break I think.  But I got right back on it yesterday, and even got H&T out of the way as my first workout of the morning.  These workouts are no joke, they have your thighs and buns screaming!  I can't wait to see these results, still kicking myself for not sticking with it.  After RI30 is done I'm thinking about starting 6 Week 6 Pack (6W6P) and doing that with BBL.  So that's it, just a quick update, will post after WI tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I'm Sexy & I Know It

Okay, well not exactly, lol.  I went to the mall today with a friend of mine, we took the kids to Drop n Shop where they get to run around and go nuts and we get to, well, shop!  So we go into Deb and try things on just for fun.  My friend picked out this dress and I agreed to try it on even though I thought it would look horrible on me.  Well......
As you can see, I still have a little pouch, but all in all not as bad as I thought.  I almost bought it.  I sent a pic out to some of my guy friends, just to see what they thought, and the reaction was pretty much the same across the board, and it was definately a good reaction =)  Okay, so maybe, just maybe I'm a bit of an attention whore.  It's all good though.  I need to work on my tan a little, and yeah baby def. got back!  But the men folks seem to like it, so......

I might go back and buy it.  It was on sale.  And I would have bought it, but seriously, where in the hell am I going to wear that?  The PTO meeting?  Soccer practice?  I mean come on.  So that's about it.  I'm going back to my Game of Thrones reading until dinner time.  Until tomorrow my lovely followers!

Monday, June 11, 2012

My Worst Enemy

As we all know, when you're trying to lose weight your best friend can also be your worst enemy.  You know exactly who I'm talking about.  The scale.  When you step up to face it, you wonder are you bffs that day or are you guys in some sort of fight?  And if you're fighting you wonder what it is you did wrong?  What did I do to make Scale so upset with me? 

I have gotten back into the habit of weighing myself at home.  I weigh on Monday mornings to see if I need to increase my workouts and I weigh on Thursday mornings to kind of mentally prep myself for how official weigh in is going to go.  I step on this morning (in what I wear to official WI, always!) and scale and I are fighting.  Up 1.4!  How can this be?  I have been using WP's, but I haven't even used 1/2 of them and I have been working out like a maniac.  Perhaps it's because most f the exercises I have been doing are strength training?  Maybe I need to up my cardio?  I'm due for TOM in about a week, am I bloating already?  A million things are running through my head about what I have done to make Scale so mad.  Maybe because I'm cheating on him with my body?  You know, even though Scale doesn't give you any love, but you see the outline of a 6 pack or (in my case) really badass arm muscles.

I know it shouldn't matter.  And whenever I see a fellow blogger upset over their numbers I give the same kind of comments we all do.  "Maybe it's just water"  "You might be a little bloated" "You're probably burning fat but adding muscle, you'll see a better loss next week" etc etc.  And these comments are made with the best of intentions.  And it's nice to know complete strangers care.  We're all here to support eachother in this journey.  But we as know that these comments don't REALLY make you feel better.  We still mope and get pissed off when we're putting forth all the effort int our relationship with Scale and get nothing in return.  Relationships are supposed to be 50/50 right?  Okay Scale, well I'm upholding my end here, wtf are YOU doing?  Bastard. 

Maybe I would feel better if my body would cooperate a little more.  That's what's even more frustrating.  If you've been following me at all, you would know that I have a mild obsession with my biceps.  I LOVE having completely ripped arms.  But if I'm spending all this time doing ab work, I would like to see SOME change in my midsection.  Nope.  My arms are kick ass, but my middle?  No change.  At least no visible change.  My thighs?  Nada.  I hate being stuck.  I'm not annoyed enough where I want to just throw in the towel.  I LIKE having some wardrobe options here, but it's still frustrating. 

What it actually has me contemplating is quitting my BBL and RI30 challenges and exchanging them for something else.  I don't really want to quit BBL though because I joined that contest and I want to see it through.  And I don't want to quit RI30 because I only have 2 more days left on Level 3 and then I just have to do Level 4 and I'm done.  But I don't think my body can handle throwing in an additional workout.  As it stands I'm already working out between 60 and 90 minutes a day depending on what BBL videos I have to do.  So anyway I really don't know what to do.  If any of you have any advice on how I can kind of bust through this slump I would greatly appreciate it.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

I Don't Have a Catchy Post Title

Today was a pretty good day.  My son had his last t-ball game of the year and my dad, step mom, and Aunt Diane came to watch.  Afterwards we went to Friendly's.  I wanted to bad to get my favorite dish, the honey bbq chicken supermelt, but I didn't.  I got the under 555 calorie 1/2 salad 1/2 turkey club supermelt.  Still good but not what I really wanted.  I feel better though than I would have had I gotten the bbq chicken one.

Then my brother came to visit.  He took my kids outside and worked on the proper way to catch.  My brother is a huge sports fanatic, I was kind of wondering what took him so long to come coach!  We had a great time hanging out.  He stayed for dinner then went home.

I am still doing good on my RI30/BBL challenges.  I'm pretty impressed with myself for getting 3 workouts a day in!  I'm really kicking some ass here.  I just wish I was seeing a change in my body.  I don't mean just on the scale, I mean when I look in the mirror.  I just have to take a deep breath and know that I WILL get there.  Anyway, that's all I got for now.  Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Fake It Til You Make It

So I was catching up on blogs this morning and I saw Kelly mention that she was considering what kind of swim wear she was going to be wearing at the beach this summer and it got me thinking.  I have worn a bikini once in my whole life.  One time.  I was 21 and about 115, and it was the most uncomfortable beach day of my life.  I walked around the whole day sucking my stomach in, I was so self conscious.  I remember seeing girls who were not fat or anything, but who clearly weighed more than I did, in bikinis and I thought they looked so good.  Yet I thought I looked horrendous and cursed myself for wearing the damn thing.

I have some major self esteem issues, but you would never guess it to look at me.  As terrible as I felt that day, I walked around the boardwalk with my head up high like I freaking owned the whole beach.  Because I had to.  And I still do that to this day.  If you just see me somewhere like the mall or whatever, you would probably think I am the most stuck up bitch you had ever seen, because I make myself look that way.  I have no clue why I use that as a defense, or how that even helps me.  People are going to talk regardless, but some how I think that if I put on this front it will keep them from whispering about me.  But it won't.  And why do I even care?  I don't know these people, I probably won't ever see them again.  But it does matter and I do care.

My point is that some people (like me) just will never be happy with their bodies.  Ever.  Going back to my eating disorder days, I weighed 94lbs and I still didn't think I looked good naked.  Well that's probably because I didn't, since not many people find walking corpses attractive, but you get what I'm saying.  My belly will always be flabby and not flat no matter how many crunches/sit ups/plank moves I do.  My thighs have always been jiggly (hopefully BBL will at least help, but that remains to be seen) and so has my butt.  I can go on and on with a list of things that are "wrong" with me.  What I really need to do is learn to love myself and accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.  If anyone knows how to do that, let me know.  Until then I will just continue to be a work in progress.

PS- Level 3 RI30 looks easy, but it's totally not.  My quads and thighs were screaming before the end of the 1st circuit!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

WI 6/7

132.0.  Down .2.  Really?  I busted my ass all week, used 10 WP's all week and THAT'S what I get?  I liked my ritual morning WI better.  I was 131.6 at home at 6:30 this morning.  Sigh.  Oh well, there's always next week.

I did get both my BBL workouts in yesterday on top of RI30, very proud of myself.  Today was a rest day.  I feel so lazy on rest days, but it is kind of nice to just take a break.  Tomorrow I'm right back to it.  AND I start Level 3 of RI30.  Something tells me I'm going to be dying, lol.

I finished 50 Shades of Grey last night.  I really don't know what to make of it.  I have a very strange relationship with that book.  There were parts where I just was like "I can't do this, I can't read this book" and yet I couldn't put it down.  It was crazy.  I'm not like dying to read the next 2, but I do kind of want to read them because there are some things that are unresolved so to speak at the end of it.  But I am otherwise occupied.  I started Game of Thrones today.  Not sure what to make of it, there's a lot going on.  I kind of wish I had seen the show, I think I might have a better understanding of what's going on.  I'm sure I'll get it as the story goes on.  I've only gotten through the prologue and the first 2 chapters so far.  But this has potential, I am looking forward to reading more. 

In the meantime, I'm having my "I can kind of indulge now" night.  I had 2 slices of pizza (17PP) and my ice cream (3PP) putting me at 9 over for the day so far.  I might just have one more thing that I really want, or I might be done.  I haven't decided yet, but the night is young.  Have a good one!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Oh My Goodness

 So 50 Shades.  Oh.  My.  Goodness. Um, yeah, WOW.  That book is, well, I really don't have the words.  I'm almost done with it, more than 1/2 way.  I plan on finishing it today.  I really don't have much else to say about it.

Anyways, I got my workouts in yesterday, stayed within my Points (I think), and now I just have to get through today.  Yesterday I took my daughter into town after getting our vote on.  We walked around, checked out the fish at the pet store, and then stopped at this biscotti place on Main St.  It's been open a couple of years and I haven't been, so we decided to go inside.  The man that worked there was very nice.  I bought my daughter a peanut butter and chocolate chip biscotti.  The man asked if it was our first time in there and I said yes, so he gave us a FREE chocolate/peanut butter brownie which she and I split.  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  This was the best thing I have ever eaten.  Words cannot describe how delicious this was.  The brownie really wasn't very big, and like I said he cut it in 1/2 so my daughter and I could share, so I estimated it to be 3PP.  That's why I said I think I stayed within my Points because I'm really not sure.

Dance Moms was on last night!  Oh how I missed Abby!  I really love me some reality t.v., this one is one of my favorites!  Cannot wait to see how the season turns out.  I missed Pretty Little Liars last night because I was so engrossed in Grey, but ABC Family reruns stuff all the time, and I can always watch online.  Yes, I just admitted to watching a show that isn't reality!  Can that be?  Lol.  Well, I have procrastinated enough for one morning, gotta get a workout in.  See you guys tomorrow after WI!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

50 Shades

I managed to get all 3 of my workouts in yesterday, woohoo!  I already got RI30 out of the way for today, but still have to do BB and TT.  It will get done.  This weather is really killing me.  It's all cold and rainy and just yuck, I hate it. 

My mom dropped off 50 Shades of Grey for me last night.  It worked out well because literally 10 minutes before she dropped it off I finished The Closers.  Really really good book!  I think it's by Michael Connelly.  Anyway, I already read the first 5 chapters of Grey.  I can't understand what is so intriguing about the book.  I didn't want to put it down!  But it's not exciting, nothing really happened, but I got so engrossed in it.  Weird.  Anyway so my plan for today is go vote, get my other workouts in and plow through some more Grey.  I really want to finish it because Cely keeps talking about Game of Thrones so much (the show) that I went out and bought the first book over the weekend and am dying to start it.  So that's it, happy Tuesday!

Monday, June 4, 2012


Before we get to FMM, I just wanted to say I did NOT go over my points yesterday!  Yay!  I also did not do RI30.  I'm forgiving myself though because Jillian says to do it 5-6 times a week and I did level 1 for 5 days, and even with taking Thursday off I can still do 5 days of level 2 and be ready to move to level 3 by Friday.  It's a really crappy day here in Jerz which means I'm going to have to really dig deep to find the motivation to do all 3 of my workouts.  Because we all know that when it's rainy and nasty all we want to do it lay on the couch with either a good book or some deliciously trashy reality t.v., amirite?  Oh, and thanks Grace and Kelly for your comments yesterday.  My son made it home in one piece!  And he had a great time.  P promised to get me the pics ASAP, can't wait to see them!

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Quick and Easy

1. When is your birthday? Apri 2
2. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?  3 years ago, well I guess it was reall 2 1/2
3. What did you eat for breakfast this morning? Multigrain Cheerios
4. Who is the next band/artist you will see perform live? 311 3-3-11!!!! 
5. What is the last song you listened to? Sunset in July - 311 (what a surprise right?)
6. If you could be fluent in any other language, which one would you choose? Espanol
7. Does anything on your body hurt right now?  My abs are still killing me from the other day.
8. What’s your favorite sports team? I don't watch sports, but as my father's daughter I am going to say Yankees and Knicks. Any other answer qualifies you for being disinherited =)
9. How often do you watch the news? Not as often as I used to
10. Do you wear glasses? I have glasses, but don't wear them
This week was short and simple, and now it’s your turn to answer the questions! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Feeling Like I Got Punched in the Stomach

Okay, so last I blogged I believe I had just started week 2 of RI30 and was starting the BBL contest that they're having.  I want to be honest so I am doing BBL exactly the way it says to do it.  Not that way I'm used to doing it where I skip certain workouts or push a 2nd workout to the next day.  Nope, I am doing it just as the book says too.  I am rearranging the days a little.  It says to workout Monday-Saturday and take Sunday off.  Well we all know that I takes Thursdays off so I am working out Friday through Wednesday instead.

So Friday was day 1.  I was supposed to do Bum Bum and Tummy Tuck.  OMG TT killed me!  It is 20 minutes of JUST abs.  20 whole minutes!  Here we are 2 days later and I still feel like some one punched me in the stomach, that's how much it hurts.  And remember on top of it I am also doing RI30 which also has abs.  Shoot me, shoot me now.

I have been doing so well so far though getting all my workouts in.  Yesterday it was 8:00 at night and I still had to do H&T, which is like 40 minutes long.  And guess what?  I did it.  This was after doing RI30 and CA and going to my son's t-ball game and all the other stuff I had to do.  This is so huge for me.  Normally, if I wasn't doing the contest, I totally would have skipped.  But I didn't!  Today I have to do RI30 and BBL's Sculpt.  I have never done that one before, we'll see how it goes.  I normally skip in because I am doing either a Jillian workout or FE which does sculpting.  And I normally don't do TT either, but like I said I want to actually compete in the BBL contest so I have to do them this time around.

I have to take some new pics.  Did I mention the mini shopping spree I went on on Friday?  I went to the mall and started buying shorts!  Me, shorts.  I got 3 pairs from Aeropostale for $19!  I got 2 pairs in medium and 1 in a small.  I put the small on yesterday and they fit awesome!  So now I have to go back and exchange my 2 mediums, they will be way too big.  I am absolutely loving these shorts, I feel amazing in them.

I am a bit of a wreck today, my son is at his dad's and they are going into the city today for Fleet Week.  It's just my son, his dad and Pop Pop.  P's dad is an old navy man, and if I heard correctly, one of this ships he was actually on is going to be there and he thought it would be neat for my son.  They wanted to take my daughter too, but I felt she is too young, she's only 4.  So yeah, my 6 year old is going into NY without me.  I know he will probably be fine, but it just makes me nervous.  He's leaving the state, he's going into NYC....I'm so nervous.  NY is such a big place.  What if he tries to walk ahead?  What if he falls in the water?  What if, what if, what if.  A million what if's going through my head.  I know I'm being crazy, but this is my baby.  It's a very difficult thing for me to do, allow him to go.  I could have said no.  I wanted to say no.  But this is such going to be such a neat experience, perhaps once in a life time.  Pop Pop is pushing 80, he's not going to be around forever.  What if he's gone next year and I being the over protective mom I can be, robbed him of this chance?  I would feel awful.

Okay well, I need to stop procrastinating and go get my workout in.  Have a great Sunday!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Happy Friday

So Level 2 RI30, um yeah.  One of the cardio circuits requires you to hold plank for the full 2 minutes.  Plank jacks followed by mountain clumbers,  followed by plank jacks and then mountain climbers again with no rest.  Is she crazy?  Seriously Jillian, wtf.  And I started the BBL contest today.  I did Bum Bum and for the first time tried Tummy Tuck (I have to do all the workouts as outlined in the calender for the contest).  My abs hurt about 15 seconds into TT.  Ouch.  Tomorrow it's RI30, CA and H&T.  I think I'm going to start adding the ankle weights to H&T. 

Oh and I took my "before" pics today.  I look so much better than I did back in November, but OMG I have a long way to go.  I look pretty good in jeans and my cute little tops, but yoga shorts, not so much.  So BBL should help with that.  I'm pissed now though that I haven't stuck with the program for more than 3 weeks.  If I had, I wouldn't be having these issues with my butt.  Summer is here and BBL is a 60 day program.  It's going to be AUGUST by the time I get the butt I want.  August.  Summer will practically be over.  Sucks.

Lastly my cousin is getting married in 17 weeks!  And coincidently, I have 17 more pounds to lose.  One pound a week for the next 17 weeks.  Normally I would say that is a reasonable goal, but it is summer time!  It's summer which means I drink more than usual because we all know this is beer weather.  And with all that has been going on (seperating from my kids' dad) I will have more free time since they will be at his house on weekends and whatnot which means I will have a lot more opportunities to drink since I don't drink when I have the kids.  Normally I will send them to their grandparents for a night once in a while so I can go out.  But they are going to be gone like EVERY weekend.  Yup, those beer calories are going to kill me and this goal of losing 17 lbs before the wedding.  Ah well.  Enjoy your Friday night everyone!