Small Victories

Okay, so we all know about trigger foods.  Those items that you really just can't be around because it will result in some sort of downward spiral.  And they are different for everyone.  Carbs (specifically bagels, biscuits, and a nice fresh loaf of Italian bread) and certain sweets are definately mine.  I could eat bagels by the dozen (no seriously) and devour entire loaves of Italian bread.  I don't buy Italian bread anymore, and I just buy Lenders bagels.  Totally not the same as bagel shop bagels.  Lenders will satisfy my craving without having me go for more.  Then there's sweets.  Ice cream I'm fine with, I have it every day and am able to use portion control. I love cookies, but I can stop.  Cake I have a problem with, and probably my worst trigger of all is brownies. 

I freaking love brownies.  Especially with some icing on them.  I think I may have mentioned how I used to eat an entire tray in one sitting.  So this weekend my mom went to the store and bought two of the store made brownies with icing.  She figured the kids could split one for dessert (they're huge) and I could have the other one.  Instead of me eating it, I brought it home figuring the kids could split that one too.  But they didn't.  They haven't wanted it.  So it has been sitting in a Ziplock on my table.  And last night I was laying in bed and all I could think about was that brownie.  About how good it probably tasted.  I wanted it so bad.  So I was trying to remember 2 weeks ago when I wanted that cheesy bread and I ate it and how awful I felt afterwards.  I knew that would happen with the brownie.  But brownies are sooooo good.  And I haven't had like a real brownie in months.  Maybe I could just have half?  Who am I kidding?  HALF of a brownie?  That's like telling an alcoholic they can only have HALF a beer.  How well would that work?

I cannot even tell you how long I laid in bed and went back and forth in my head over this stupid brownie.  Inner turmoil.  Complete inner turmoil.  It was horrible.  And why?  It's just a brownie.  Why is it causing me such aggravation?  Because I love food.  Because even after all this time I still haven't really changed.  I think about food all the time.  All that wonderful food I don't allow myself to have.  Well, I let myself have some of it sometimes.  Like the time I went out with Big Mama T or my mom's Memorial Day spread.  But for the most part I don't eat a lot of the things I really really want to eat.  Like boneless wings, an entire Pizza Hut pizza, McDonald's bacon egg & cheese biscuits, and of course, brownies. 

It is very hard to find the middle ground between not depriving yourself so that these changes you have been making are permenant so you don't go back to the way you were and not allowing yourself to go completely overboard.  I think this is probably the biggest challenge for all of us on this journey.  So what do you suppose I ended up doing last night?

I got up and went downstairs and into the kitchen.  I took the brownie out of the bag and I smushed it up, threw it in the garbage, and grabbed a 100 calorie pack to satisfy my sweet tooth instead.