WI Results, Tummy Pic, and a Realization

Down 1.2!!  That puts me at 124.4, yay!  I'm getting closer and closer to my goal of 115.  I WILL get there.  Last night was bad though.  I had a mini binge (which normally doesn't bother me, I do this every week), but last night it bothered me.  There were a few reasons.  1) I have no idea how many weeklies or AP's I actually had left after the BBQ last Saturday, the fried Oreos at Seaside, plus the 4th when I went over by some Wheat Thins and the ice cream.  And 2) As I have previously mentioned, I'm having a harder time keeping my eating disorder at bay.  So anyway, I had made some cheesy bread sticks that had come with a DiGiorno pizza I had made last week but left the bread in the freezer.  I made all 8, but automatically gave 4 of them to my dog.  So I only had 4 (which is still 440 calories!).  Then I felt all kinds of gross and started working out like a maniac in my bedroom.  I hopped on the scale this morning and I'm only up .2, so I don't feel quite as horrible.  But still I hate that I caved last night and I hate how I reacted.  Not good.

Today is a new day though.  I just need to breathe, re-focus, and get back to it.  I had my Cheerios and coffee, I did SIWW and 5 min of BBL's TT to work my abs.  I also went for a (short) run, get in some more cardio.  Can't hurt.  Especially since I need to try and melt away some of my fat covering my 6 pack. =)  And yes Kelly I do have belly jiggle still

Totally not brave enough to take a front pic, though I did try.  It wasn't pretty, so you get a side view.  I'm trying to face the facts that no matter what I do my stomach will always look like that.  Sucks, but what can I do?  When I was a teenager and deep into my anorexia, I had this belief that just because the scale read a certain number, my stomach would be flat.  I kept thinking that if I could just get to 110, I would have a nice tummy.  So I got down to 110 and guess what?  My stomach pretty much looked like it does in the pic I just took 5 minutes ago.  Actually, even though I'm heavier now than I was then and I have had 2 kids, my stomach is in better shape than it was.  So then I thought, well maybe if I get to 105.  Nope.  I got all the way down to 94 lbs and my stomach was still a hot mess.  Granted, I wasn't doing any kind of ab work at the time.  But the point is that I thought that there was some magic number I could reach and my body would all of a sudden look the way I wanted it to. 

What I have learned since then is that that's not true.  I am very honest here about what I do and don't do.  I don't lie about my workouts or what I eat.  So you guys know that I have busted my ass for every pound I have lost, that I have put in the time with weights and crunches to get the body I have.  But it's still not good enough for me.  I'm still not happy.  I don't know if I ever will be.  Why?  Because I don't think I will ever have the stomach or the butt or the thighs I want.  I work for them, I work hard, but no matter what I do I can't seem to get them.  Even 3 years ago when I was 115, my thighs and belly still jiggled.  And I was doing the same workouts I do now.  So anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I need to accept my body for what it is.  So I'll never wear a bikini to the beach and I need to do it with the lights off ;)  No big deal.  I look good (in clothes!) and I feel good, and I need to keep watching what I eat and keep working out so that I can live to 100 and enjoy my great grand babies that I will have some day.  Which is easier said than done, but I'm working on it.