Monday, July 30, 2012

Not Quite Super Woman

Before I get into this post, I want to share a funny story with you.  My neighbors are moving and they had this really nice 3 piece sectional out by the road with a sign that said free.  So I stopped and talked to them and they were willing to bring in down to my house for me.  Alright awesome.  So they unload the couch and I told them they could just leave it on the lawn, I would take care of it.  I thanked them and they left.  So I start moving the couch over to my front door, because it's a double door and they only way to get large pieces of furniture into my house.  I don't use my front door very often and the last time I had both sides open was about a year ago.  Also my house is literally 200 years old.  I think you see where I'm going with this.  The second door will not open!  It's stuck or dry rotted or something but the damn thing won't open.  I am 5 feet tall, 124 pounds, and I can move an entire sofa all by myself, but I can't open an effing door.  Are you kidding me???  So angry. Lol.  This is the couch, just so you have a clear visual.

So last night to kill some time before RHONJ (which I knew I wasn't going to be able to stay up to watch anyway) I decided to watch Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition.  The girl on there was my age and 435 lbs.  She seemed like she wanted to lose the weight so badly, but then whenever the trainer would push her she would throw a fit.  I couldn't help but think about how lucky she was to have this opportunity to have some one train her and show her what to eat and turn her home into a gym, as well as give her a gym membership and she's throwing it away.  I would have done anything for that kind of opportunity and she just doesn't really seem to want it.  It kind of made me mad.  However, even at my heaviest, I was still literally only half this woman's size.  While I can relate to what it's like to be obese to some extent, I really have no clue what it's like to be that big.  So maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge.

Anyway, a commercial comes on and I get up to go to the bathroom.  And as usual I stop and start looking at myself in the mirror.  So I'm looking and this thought pops into my head "I can totally relate to that girl, I don't want to be fat anymore."  Woah, what?  I DIDN'T want to be fat anymore, which is why I did something about it.  I'm a normal weight and a healthy BMI, so why am I still looking in the mirror and calling myself fat?  Why am I still so damned unhappy with the way I look?   Why for the love of God can I not look at myself and think "Damn!  I look pretty good!"  Seriously, WTF is wrong with me?  At 124 pounds I still think I'm fat.  Maybe if I was like 4' tall I would be kinda chunky, but even I'm not quite that short!  I really just don't know how to even begin to fix this, or if it's possible to fix.  This is beyond me thinking I have a little pooch in my stomach (I do, but that's besie the point), or wishing my thighs and butt were a little more toned.  I legit think I'm fat.  But then I see the number on the scale, I see the size clothes I'm wearing and I know that just can't be true.  That there is no way I'm fat.  But when I look in the mirror I still see that girl I saw way back in November when I started this.

It's just not fair.  I have done so much and come so far and I feel like I'm really not benefiting from the results.  Okay, from a health standpoint I know I probably am, but mentally, this has done nothing for me except make me feel like more of a failure because here I am trying to not be fat and oh look, I've failed.  All the watching what I eat and ass busting workouts and I am still fat.  If I don't look like my very dear friend Nicole (who has also had 2 kids) or that skinny bitch at the gym, or Melissa Gorga, well then dammit I must be fat.  I will NEVER look like these women.  Why?  Because I'm not them.  Our bodies are different, we've been through different things, and it just won't happen.  So why do I continue to strive for the impossible?  Why can't I look at my accomplishments and pat myself on the back instead of kick myself in the ass?  I don't get it, I just don't.  I really just feel like I suck right now and all I want to do is dive face first into a box of Dunkin Donuts.  And maybe some Pizza Hut.  OMG, it's not even 8 in the morning, why in the hell am I thinking about pizza???

It doesn't matter because I'm not going to do either of those things.  I am going to finish writing this, get my kids dressed for the day, get myself ready and head to my step class. 

1 comment:

  1. I can relate to this post on so many levels. I relate to the overweight person more than anyone else. I still see fat on certain parts of my body and I realize I can still lose 5 lbs without being one of those annoying b!tches who whine about 5 lbs. I seriously can lose 5 more pounds I think.

    I empathize with those on biggest loser and I tear up.

    You are amazing and it seems like you realize that you are aiming for a better version of yourself and not some fake airbrushed unreal version.