Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Reflecting

It felt so good to get back to the gym yesterday.  I had a real sense of accomplishment.  Today I will be heading to spin class at 9:30, I am soooo ready!  Eating was pretty on point.  The only thing I had that was extra was a sugar free pudding (only 60 calories) at about 8 last night.  I was starving and needed SOMETHING.  So not too bad.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was laying in bed not wanting to get up and my mind kept drifting to my high school days.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  I spend the first year and a half completely just stoned out of my mind.  I was over weight and insecure and felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  Most of my friends that I had had since grade school were still my friends, but they were all involved in sports and extra curriculars that I was too afraid to join and had made other friends through those things.  So I found my acceptance with the stoners.    By the time I got to my junior year I had stopped.  I got an after school job at a coffee shop with one of my friends and things were going okay.  However, I really really wish I had done a sport or been on the yearbook committee or student government or something.

High school wasn't really a bad time in my life.  I was never bullied or picked on or anything.  I was just invisible to anyone who wasn't my friend, which I guess isn't good or bad.  But high school wasn't great either.  It was just....there.  Like I said, I was heavy and self concious and I let that get in my way of doing things I wanted to do.  I was determined to make a change.  Junior year I had joined Weight Watchers for the first time, but ended up putting the weight back on before the school year even ended.  A month before senior year I started Slim Fast and my rapid decline into anorexia.  Luckily I have a great family, wonderful friends, and at the time a really supportive boyfriend who stuck by me through the whole thing. 


And when it was time for me to leave for college, I was heavy again.  I had such a hard time making friends because once again I felt fat and disgusting and walked with my head down.  It took me a while to make a friend and once I did that she was able to introduce me to a bunch of other people and so I finally had a group to hang out with.  They were all great wonderful people, I'm sad that I have lost touch with most of them.


The whole point is that I feel like I didn't get the most out of what were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.  Like I really missed out on a lot of things because I was so insecure and just hated the way I looked.  And I don't want to waste any more time.  I don't want to live without living if that makes any sense.  I'm really mad at myself for allowing my weight to have so much control over me.  I should have been in control of my weight instead of the other way around.  I also don't want my kids to have the same experiance or lack thereof.  I try to keep them as involved as I can, I try to have them try new things and step out of their comfort zones.  I don't want them to waste as much time as I have.  So my lovely readers, is there a time in your life you wish could go back and do over?












4 comments:

  1. All I have to say is wow. You are amazing. You've been through so much in your life and are still strong enough to blog about it. You are an inspiration for sure! I had pretty much the same experience socially in high school except I was the typical nerd. Having my step daughters around and seeing how much involve they are I wish I would have been more involved too. At least if I had done a sport maybe I wouldn't have had such a problem with my weight? I don't know. The point is there's no way to go back so why bother with the regrets, ya know? I guess all we can do is learn from it and grow, which you have done so well. Like I said, you're truly an inspiration. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thanks so much for the kind words! I know there is no sense in regretting things I did or did not do. I even have it tattooed on me, but sometimes I just happen to think back on things. I guess I just don't want to continue to make the same mistakes now.

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  2. I think that is what HS was like for most, at least on the inside. Being insecure is a part of life but especially being a teen. I don't know that there are things I would do over (since everything I've done has lead me to where I am) but having another go at college wouldn't be so bad :)

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    1. Haha, right? I would LOVE another shot at college, lol.

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