Reflecting

It felt so good to get back to the gym yesterday.  I had a real sense of accomplishment.  Today I will be heading to spin class at 9:30, I am soooo ready!  Eating was pretty on point.  The only thing I had that was extra was a sugar free pudding (only 60 calories) at about 8 last night.  I was starving and needed SOMETHING.  So not too bad.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was laying in bed not wanting to get up and my mind kept drifting to my high school days.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  I spend the first year and a half completely just stoned out of my mind.  I was over weight and insecure and felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  Most of my friends that I had had since grade school were still my friends, but they were all involved in sports and extra curriculars that I was too afraid to join and had made other friends through those things.  So I found my acceptance with the stoners.    By the time I got to my junior year I had stopped.  I got an after school job at a coffee shop with one of my friends and things were going okay.  However, I really really wish I had done a sport or been on the yearbook committee or student government or something.

High school wasn't really a bad time in my life.  I was never bullied or picked on or anything.  I was just invisible to anyone who wasn't my friend, which I guess isn't good or bad.  But high school wasn't great either.  It was just....there.  Like I said, I was heavy and self concious and I let that get in my way of doing things I wanted to do.  I was determined to make a change.  Junior year I had joined Weight Watchers for the first time, but ended up putting the weight back on before the school year even ended.  A month before senior year I started Slim Fast and my rapid decline into anorexia.  Luckily I have a great family, wonderful friends, and at the time a really supportive boyfriend who stuck by me through the whole thing. 


And when it was time for me to leave for college, I was heavy again.  I had such a hard time making friends because once again I felt fat and disgusting and walked with my head down.  It took me a while to make a friend and once I did that she was able to introduce me to a bunch of other people and so I finally had a group to hang out with.  They were all great wonderful people, I'm sad that I have lost touch with most of them.


The whole point is that I feel like I didn't get the most out of what were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.  Like I really missed out on a lot of things because I was so insecure and just hated the way I looked.  And I don't want to waste any more time.  I don't want to live without living if that makes any sense.  I'm really mad at myself for allowing my weight to have so much control over me.  I should have been in control of my weight instead of the other way around.  I also don't want my kids to have the same experiance or lack thereof.  I try to keep them as involved as I can, I try to have them try new things and step out of their comfort zones.  I don't want them to waste as much time as I have.  So my lovely readers, is there a time in your life you wish could go back and do over?