It felt so good to get back to the gym yesterday. I had a real sense of accomplishment. Today I will be heading to spin class at 9:30, I am soooo ready! Eating was pretty on point. The only thing I had that was extra was a sugar free pudding (only 60 calories) at about 8 last night. I was starving and needed SOMETHING. So not too bad.
Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was laying in bed not wanting to get up and my mind kept drifting to my high school days. So many things I wish I had done differently. I spend the first year and a half completely just stoned out of my mind. I was over weight and insecure and felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Most of my friends that I had had since grade school were still my friends, but they were all involved in sports and extra curriculars that I was too afraid to join and had made other friends through those things. So I found my acceptance with the stoners. By the time I got to my junior year I had stopped. I got an after school job at a coffee shop with one of my friends and things were going okay. However, I really really wish I had done a sport or been on the yearbook committee or student government or something.
High school wasn't really a bad time in my life. I was never bullied or picked on or anything. I was just invisible to anyone who wasn't my friend, which I guess isn't good or bad. But high school wasn't great either. It was just....there. Like I said, I was heavy and self concious and I let that get in my way of doing things I wanted to do. I was determined to make a change. Junior year I had joined Weight Watchers for the first time, but ended up putting the weight back on before the school year even ended. A month before senior year I started Slim Fast and my rapid decline into anorexia. Luckily I have a great family, wonderful friends, and at the time a really supportive boyfriend who stuck by me through the whole thing.
And when it was time for me to leave for college, I was heavy again. I had such a hard time making friends because once again I felt fat and disgusting and walked with my head down. It took me a while to make a friend and once I did that she was able to introduce me to a bunch of other people and so I finally had a group to hang out with. They were all great wonderful people, I'm sad that I have lost touch with most of them.
The whole point is that I feel like I didn't get the most out of what were supposed to be some of the best years of my life. Like I really missed out on a lot of things because I was so insecure and just hated the way I looked. And I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want to live without living if that makes any sense. I'm really mad at myself for allowing my weight to have so much control over me. I should have been in control of my weight instead of the other way around. I also don't want my kids to have the same experiance or lack thereof. I try to keep them as involved as I can, I try to have them try new things and step out of their comfort zones. I don't want them to waste as much time as I have. So my lovely readers, is there a time in your life you wish could go back and do over?