So We Meet Again, ED

Tonight is WI.  Little nervous.  I hopped on the scale this morning, 126.4.  While I really wasn't expecting a huge loss this week, I certainly was hoping at least I wouldn't gain, and not a full pound at that!  Maybe I need to lay off the Dunkin Donuts?  If it really IS that bad at WW tonight I may have to start doing FE again on top of my runs just to up my calorie burn.  We shall see.

Kelly recently blogged about male attention and not knowing how to react.  Here's something I can totally relate to.  Yup, this will be a blog post inspired by a blog post.  I actually had a guy ask me if I did any kind of fitness modeling or something.  Serious dude?  Have you SEEN my tummy?  After 2 kids and constant yo yo dieting my middle is a hot mess!  I'm still very insecure.  I will wear shorts out in public now, but I am constantly worried about how my thighs and butt look.  If I wear a form fitting shirt I am forever tugging at my pants trying to move them so I don't have a muffin top and my stomach is always sucked in. 

I changed my Facebook and Twitter pics last week and at the time I really loved the pic.  I took it almost 2 weeks ago when I got my tat.  I got a lot of likes and comments on Fb and a DM on Twitter telling me I am gorgeous (wtf, really?).  But the more I look at the pic, the more I think I look insanely huge. 

I feel like my butt is huge and that the way I'm standing makes it look like that's only one of my thighs, but it's not, it's both.  I have one leg slightly in front of the other.  But in any case I think it makes my thighs look big.  I can see a bit of a roll on my stomach.  I mean, I could keep going here.  Whatever it is that all of you see in this pic, is NOT what I see.  Thank you so much body dysmorphia.  I told you guys, the less I weigh the harder it is to keep those voices at bay.  And that is something I am really really struggling with right now. 

I am starting to over obsess about how much I weigh, how hard I push myself when I work out, what I'm eating, etc etc.  The added stress of dealing with my grandfather isn't helping either.  Eating disorders aren't really about weight.  Well they are, but they aren't.  They are about control.  Your weight, what you eat, and how much you exercise are things that are within your control.  I can't control what happens with grandad, but I sure as hell can control what I put in my mouth.  I can control if and how much I work out each day.  I have been in recovery for 10 1/2 years, I do NOT want to go back.  I have no idea what kind of internal damage I did last time, I don't know if it's been repaired or if it's irreversable, but I sure as hell don't want to destroy my insides anymore.  But it gets just a little harder every day. 

 I'm really not sure what to do at this point.  The only thing I really can do is try and keep fighting them off.  Those horrible voices in my head that tell me a cow looks thinner than I do.  The voices that make me feel guilty for eating crackers and chewing a 2nd piece of gum (Did you REALLY need those extra 5 calories Liz?).  I scream at them, I tell them they're wrong.  I don't look like a cow, I AM gorgeous, and if I want to chew a whole pack of gum I will f*cking do just that.  But they're still there, waiting for a weak moment.  They will always be there, my psychiatrist told me that when I was just coming out of it.  I may be able to make their shouts into whispers, I might be able to push them to the back of my mind, but I will never be able to silence those voices completely.  This is the worst it has been in years.  I cannot go back there, and I won't.  If I need to go see my Dr again I will, I just hope I am strong enough to not let it get to that point.  I'm glad that I have at least made enough progress to know when it's starting to become an issue and I know at what point I can't do it on my own anymore.  Time to get the kids dressed and head out for my run.