Saturday, June 23, 2012

Rough Day & Treating Myself

So yesterday was pretty rough.  I got my run in, went to the mall to get the tights Amber needs for her recital, and dropped Ricky off at his dad's.  I took Amber and we headed to Bergen County where I picked up my aunt (the one from Africa) and my cousin, J, who just flew stand by from Chicago whom I haven't seen in a good 8 years.  Yeah.  We went to go see my grandad, and he is not doing so well.

My aunt stayed down in the lobby and watched Amber so J and I could go see him.  He didn't remember J which isn't super surprising since he hasn't seen him in almost a decade.  It took him maybe 5 minutes and a lot of us mentioning J's parents for grandad to remember.  Then he looked at me.  His granddaughter.  The one he has seen every other weekend since forever.  The one who just saw him Father's Day.  And he didn't remember me.  He thought I was J's girlfriend!  I wasn't hurt or offended, but I was heartbroken.  Not because he didn't remember me specifically, but because he couldn't remember something so basic.  He sees me quite a lot so he should have known, but he didn't.  J and I spent about a half hour with him before he dismissed us.  He thanked us for coming to see him and he started saying good bye.  He looked at me and said "I love you so much, we had a lot of good times." And that made me feel worse.  Like he was saying good bye good bye, you know?  J made it to the elevator before he broke down, I made it back onto the highway before I just lost it.  I'm going down there again today after Amber's dress rehearsal.
I'm very upset with myself.  I have only been to see him 4 times since he broke his hip.  It's only an hour away, it's really not that far.  I could make a million excuses as to why I haven't been there, but all they are are excuses.  I feel really bad, I wish I could go back and make it a point to go every week or something.  But I can't.  I wish I could just create more time with him, which I kind of can and can't do.  I can create it by going more, but I can't just actually physically create time.  I wish I could go back to before he fell.  I wish that every time I went to visit my dad I spent more time with my grandad.  I'm thankful that at least I got to see him as much as I have and that he got to meet and really get to know my kids.  How many of us can say we've met our great grandparents, you know?  I just think that's such a cool, special thing. 

I don't want to lose him, but I don't want him to suffer either.  And I can tell he's suffering.  Even if he gets better, the doctors say that he is going to need 24/7 care if he is ever even able to be released.  This is so very very hard.  I don't think anyone should ever have to spend whatever time they have left like that.  I think they should be in good condition and at home where they're comfortable and just drift off in their sleep.  But that's in a perfect world, and this world is far from perfect, unfortunately.   And to be honest, I'm really kind of pissed off at my other 2 cousins.  One, C, lives here by me and is a police officer here in town, I'm sure I've mentioned him before.  The other is his sister, B.  I know she used to live in Central Jersey and that she recently moved.  But you know what?  If my one aunt can drive down from Rhode Island, and my cousin can fly in from Chicago, and my other aunt can come from freaking AFRICA of all places, surely you can be able to get your asses there at least once.  There is NO excuse for living in the SAME DAMN STATE and not coming.  NONE. 

I understand C is a cop and has a crazy schedule, but he had time to go get engagement photos taken.  He had time to go golfing with his dad and my brother.  Obviously he has SOME free time.  I mean, I understand that some people just don't handle these kinds of situations well.  I know I don't.  But he could go once.  Just once.  Going to see my grandad is not something I'm really enjoying at the moment.  Not because I don't love him or that I don't want to spend time with him, but because seeing him deteriorate like this shatters my heart into about 5 million pieces.  I think that's why I'm so upset with myself.  I've been putting my feelings first which is why I haven't gone.  I could have made time, my dad would be more than happy to put gas in my tank if I really needed it.  I just don't like seeing him this way.  And that makes me feel like such a selfish bitch.  Like my feelings are more important than those of my grandad.  Like I don't care if he wants to see me, I don't want to see him like that so I'm not going.  Well f*ck my feelings.  If he's on borrowed time right now, I need to think about him and not me.

So I was very upset by all of this as you can imagine.  I needed to do something to make me feel better.  So I went to Dunkin Donuts.  I got a small iced coffee and I had one munchkin.  Then Amber and I went to Kohl's where I finally bought myself a good pair of running shoes.  Nothing like a little retail therapy to lift your mood, and I bought something practical (and on sale!).  Go me.  Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer guys.  I just need to let this all out.  Until next time.....

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