Fake It Til You Make It

So I was catching up on blogs this morning and I saw Kelly mention that she was considering what kind of swim wear she was going to be wearing at the beach this summer and it got me thinking.  I have worn a bikini once in my whole life.  One time.  I was 21 and about 115, and it was the most uncomfortable beach day of my life.  I walked around the whole day sucking my stomach in, I was so self conscious.  I remember seeing girls who were not fat or anything, but who clearly weighed more than I did, in bikinis and I thought they looked so good.  Yet I thought I looked horrendous and cursed myself for wearing the damn thing.

I have some major self esteem issues, but you would never guess it to look at me.  As terrible as I felt that day, I walked around the boardwalk with my head up high like I freaking owned the whole beach.  Because I had to.  And I still do that to this day.  If you just see me somewhere like the mall or whatever, you would probably think I am the most stuck up bitch you had ever seen, because I make myself look that way.  I have no clue why I use that as a defense, or how that even helps me.  People are going to talk regardless, but some how I think that if I put on this front it will keep them from whispering about me.  But it won't.  And why do I even care?  I don't know these people, I probably won't ever see them again.  But it does matter and I do care.

My point is that some people (like me) just will never be happy with their bodies.  Ever.  Going back to my eating disorder days, I weighed 94lbs and I still didn't think I looked good naked.  Well that's probably because I didn't, since not many people find walking corpses attractive, but you get what I'm saying.  My belly will always be flabby and not flat no matter how many crunches/sit ups/plank moves I do.  My thighs have always been jiggly (hopefully BBL will at least help, but that remains to be seen) and so has my butt.  I can go on and on with a list of things that are "wrong" with me.  What I really need to do is learn to love myself and accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.  If anyone knows how to do that, let me know.  Until then I will just continue to be a work in progress.

PS- Level 3 RI30 looks easy, but it's totally not.  My quads and thighs were screaming before the end of the 1st circuit!