Friday, June 8, 2012

Fake It Til You Make It

So I was catching up on blogs this morning and I saw Kelly mention that she was considering what kind of swim wear she was going to be wearing at the beach this summer and it got me thinking.  I have worn a bikini once in my whole life.  One time.  I was 21 and about 115, and it was the most uncomfortable beach day of my life.  I walked around the whole day sucking my stomach in, I was so self conscious.  I remember seeing girls who were not fat or anything, but who clearly weighed more than I did, in bikinis and I thought they looked so good.  Yet I thought I looked horrendous and cursed myself for wearing the damn thing.

I have some major self esteem issues, but you would never guess it to look at me.  As terrible as I felt that day, I walked around the boardwalk with my head up high like I freaking owned the whole beach.  Because I had to.  And I still do that to this day.  If you just see me somewhere like the mall or whatever, you would probably think I am the most stuck up bitch you had ever seen, because I make myself look that way.  I have no clue why I use that as a defense, or how that even helps me.  People are going to talk regardless, but some how I think that if I put on this front it will keep them from whispering about me.  But it won't.  And why do I even care?  I don't know these people, I probably won't ever see them again.  But it does matter and I do care.

My point is that some people (like me) just will never be happy with their bodies.  Ever.  Going back to my eating disorder days, I weighed 94lbs and I still didn't think I looked good naked.  Well that's probably because I didn't, since not many people find walking corpses attractive, but you get what I'm saying.  My belly will always be flabby and not flat no matter how many crunches/sit ups/plank moves I do.  My thighs have always been jiggly (hopefully BBL will at least help, but that remains to be seen) and so has my butt.  I can go on and on with a list of things that are "wrong" with me.  What I really need to do is learn to love myself and accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.  If anyone knows how to do that, let me know.  Until then I will just continue to be a work in progress.

PS- Level 3 RI30 looks easy, but it's totally not.  My quads and thighs were screaming before the end of the 1st circuit!

4 comments:

  1. Lots of gems in the post. The best thing about faking it is that sometimes you actually start to believe it!

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    1. Thanks Crys. Yeah, hopefully I start to believe it soon! ;)

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  2. Congrats on your lose..LOL That sounded weird, didn't it. Sometimes healthy living has extra rewards- like living long enough to see your kids grow up. The hard work always pays off. But of course FITYMI comes in handy sometimes too. I'm starting my own blog, maybe you''l come take a look.
    http://fakeittilyoucanmakeit.blogspot.com (crossfit has been known to produce excellent results in the gluteal / quad areas.)

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    1. Thanks or stopping by! I will def check yours out.

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