If you remember when I started this blog, I gave you some background information on myself. Well, I am at a point here where the old eating disorder thoughts/feelings are making themselves known. I went out on Friday with my friend, okay fine. Saturday I barely ate to make up for it. Yesterday I had to go to my dad's house and also my kids' dad's parents' house. My dad's wasn't a big deal, I brought my own lunch. I went light all day because I knew P's mom was making jambalaya and she would get offended if I didn't eat it. No biggie. I did SIWW and a mid length Zumba class on the Wii, I watched my portion with her dinner, everything was cool. Then they brought out the birthday cake (we were celebrating P's dad and sister's birthdays). I only had one piece, and while it wasn't small it was smaller than I would have normally had. Again not a big deal.
Then I get home and she had sent home some bagels for the kids from the bagel place in their town. I caved. I had a bagel with some cream cheese. And I have been beating myself up like crazy over that damn bagel. I know I did a lot worse on Friday, but I think it's because I did so horrible on Friday and then went ahead and had the bagel anyway. Like if I didn't go out Friday and I just had the bagel, I don't think it would be such a big deal. I really really want to punish myself (by not eating of course), I want to spend my whole day working out and it is taking every bit of effort I can muster to not do those things. I did do SIWW and the mid length Zumba again, but I figure that's not so bad. I just don't know how to handle this. I haven't had feelings this strong in a very very long time. And I usually don't feel this way while I'm losing weight, it's after I have lost all I want to lose and I am trying to maintain.
So that's where I'm at right now. I just have to do my best to ignore it and push it to the back of my head. Hopefully once i go to WW on Thursday I won't have gained any weight and then Friday I can start with a clean slate and I won't feel so bad....
Sorry to hear it and hope you're able to get yourself to a good place. I'm definitely a person who adds exercise when I make poor eating choices. I'll sometimes say to myself well, if I want another drink, dessert, whatever, that means 3 extra miles tomorrow -- and then I choose. And if I choose the food or drink, I log the miles in hopes of compensating. But that works better for me -- control over my choices, not depriving myself of foods/drinks, and I enjoy running anyway. But it's probably disordered eating. Oh well, it's where I am.
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