Monday, January 9, 2012

Feeling Like a Failure

If you remember when I started this blog, I gave you some background information on myself.  Well, I am at a point here where the old eating disorder thoughts/feelings are making themselves known.  I went out on Friday with my friend, okay fine.  Saturday I barely ate to make up for it.  Yesterday I had to go to my dad's house and also my kids' dad's parents' house.  My dad's wasn't a big deal, I brought my own lunch.  I went light all day because I knew P's mom was making jambalaya and she would get offended if I didn't eat it.  No biggie.  I did SIWW and a mid length Zumba class on the Wii,  I watched my portion with her dinner, everything was cool.  Then they brought out the birthday cake (we were celebrating P's dad and sister's birthdays).  I only had one piece, and while it wasn't small it was smaller than I would have normally had.  Again not a big deal. 

Then I get home and she had sent home some bagels for the kids from the bagel place in their town.  I caved.  I had a bagel with some cream cheese.  And I have been beating myself up like crazy over that damn bagel.  I know I did a lot worse on Friday, but I think it's because I did so horrible on Friday and then went ahead and had the bagel anyway.  Like if I didn't go out Friday and I just had the bagel, I don't think it would be such a big deal.  I really really want to punish myself (by not eating of course), I want to spend my whole day working out and it is taking every bit of effort I can muster to not do those things.  I did do SIWW and the mid length Zumba again, but I figure that's not so bad.  I just don't know how to handle this.  I haven't had feelings this strong in a very very long time.  And I usually don't feel this way while I'm losing weight, it's after I have lost all I want to lose and I am trying to maintain. 

So that's where I'm at right now.  I just have to do my best to ignore it and push it to the back of my head.  Hopefully once i go to WW on Thursday I won't have gained any weight and then Friday I can start with a clean slate and I won't feel so bad....

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear it and hope you're able to get yourself to a good place. I'm definitely a person who adds exercise when I make poor eating choices. I'll sometimes say to myself well, if I want another drink, dessert, whatever, that means 3 extra miles tomorrow -- and then I choose. And if I choose the food or drink, I log the miles in hopes of compensating. But that works better for me -- control over my choices, not depriving myself of foods/drinks, and I enjoy running anyway. But it's probably disordered eating. Oh well, it's where I am.