Monday, January 23, 2012

30DS, Good Idea or Bad Idea?

Today I decided I was going to do Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred again.  I haven't done it in a long time.  I made it through okay, although my shoulders felt like they were about to give out.  Tomorrow morning I will be able to tell by how sore I am if I was ready for this or not.  I was getting bored with SIWW, though I love it, but I've done it for like the last 3 weeks now.  It was time for a change.  Ideally (if my body is okay with it) I would like to do the 30DS 5-6 days a week for the next 30 days, changing my level every 10 days. 

I'm trying hard to get back on track.  Today was the 1st day I worked out, since....umm....the last time I blogged that I worked out, lol.  That was what?  Tuesday or Wednesday?  Anyway, I really need to try and stick with the whole exercising thing.  That is something I'm really struggling with this time around.  I've been doing well sticking with my points, and have been trying to incorporate more veggies.  Like today, I got hungry so I had some baby carrots.  That would be a win.  Also, I've been trying to up my water intake. 

I'm finding that I'm starting to lose sight of why I'm doing this in the first place.  Which I could have predicted.  I really wanted to lose weight to be healthy, set a good example for my kids, and to feel better about myself.  I told myself it was going to be a slow process and to focus more on "changing" than "dieting".  However, the more weight I lose, the thinner I get, the more it becomes about losing the weight, the number on the scale, how I look in the mirror.  Once again, this is thanks to the anorexic voices making themselves heard in my head.  That's probably the only thing I don't like about being thin.  That's right, I said it.  There is a down side (for me) to being skinny.  It really becomes an obsession for me, the way I look.  I'm constantly in the mirror critiquing, criticizing, thinking of ways to fix what's "wrong".

My big problem is that I don't like to talk about it.  I'm open about the fact that I used to have an eating disorder.  Well, okay, I guess if you go by how I feel sometimes, techincally I still have one.  But I don't like to talk about how I'm feeling.  Which sucks.  I have this wonderful support system around me, my friends, my parents, but I don't utilize them.  I just hate bothering other people with my problems.  I feel like this is my problem, I'm the one that has to deal with it, and I go it alone.  That's another reason I started this blog.  This gives me an outlet to talk about what I'm going through without feeling like I'm burdening other people with it.  This is my journal, however this is a journal where I can get feedback if people feel so inclined to leave comments which is great.  Just being able to get all my thoughts out really helps.  So thanks to those of you who do read this, and thanks for the comments.  I know there's not many of you, but that's alright.

So that's my vent du jour.  I will try to check in at least once more before WI on Thursday.