Reflecting

It felt so good to get back to the gym yesterday.  I had a real sense of accomplishment.  Today I will be heading to spin class at 9:30, I am soooo ready!  Eating was pretty on point.  The only thing I had that was extra was a sugar free pudding (only 60 calories) at about 8 last night.  I was starving and needed SOMETHING.  So not too bad.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was laying in bed not wanting to get up and my mind kept drifting to my high school days.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  I spend the first year and a half completely just stoned out of my mind.  I was over weight and insecure and felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  Most of my friends that I had had since grade school were still my friends, but they were all involved in sports and extra curriculars that I was too afraid to join and had made other friends through those things.  So I found my acceptance with the stoners.    By the time I got to my junior year I had stopped.  I got an after school job at a coffee shop with one of my friends and things were going okay.  However, I really really wish I had done a sport or been on the yearbook committee or student government or something.

High school wasn't really a bad time in my life.  I was never bullied or picked on or anything.  I was just invisible to anyone who wasn't my friend, which I guess isn't good or bad.  But high school wasn't great either.  It was just....there.  Like I said, I was heavy and self concious and I let that get in my way of doing things I wanted to do.  I was determined to make a change.  Junior year I had joined Weight Watchers for the first time, but ended up putting the weight back on before the school year even ended.  A month before senior year I started Slim Fast and my rapid decline into anorexia.  Luckily I have a great family, wonderful friends, and at the time a really supportive boyfriend who stuck by me through the whole thing. 


And when it was time for me to leave for college, I was heavy again.  I had such a hard time making friends because once again I felt fat and disgusting and walked with my head down.  It took me a while to make a friend and once I did that she was able to introduce me to a bunch of other people and so I finally had a group to hang out with.  They were all great wonderful people, I'm sad that I have lost touch with most of them.


The whole point is that I feel like I didn't get the most out of what were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.  Like I really missed out on a lot of things because I was so insecure and just hated the way I looked.  And I don't want to waste any more time.  I don't want to live without living if that makes any sense.  I'm really mad at myself for allowing my weight to have so much control over me.  I should have been in control of my weight instead of the other way around.  I also don't want my kids to have the same experiance or lack thereof.  I try to keep them as involved as I can, I try to have them try new things and step out of their comfort zones.  I don't want them to waste as much time as I have.  So my lovely readers, is there a time in your life you wish could go back and do over?

Monday Monday

I'm really hoping things start going back to normal around here.  I did do some strength training and I did go for a walk, but I miss the gym.  Stacy is supposed to teach her usual step this morning, it will feel so good to get back there.  I can't believe it's been almost a week since I set foot in the gym!  At least I have remained active, but it's not the same.

The weekend was pretty good overall, just a lot more calories than I had anticipated.  I hopped on the scale this morning.  Up .6, not so bad.  Plus (and this maybe TMI), but I haven't gone to the bathroom since Saturday.  So that might be a factor too.  Not saying I don't deserve a gain, but I know that not going doesn't help.  Pizza Hut was worth it and so was my outing with Kelly on Saturday.  Maybe I could have gone without the chocolate chips on my fro yo, but whatever.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Kelly made the trek to Dirty Jerz on Saturday.  We met at Garden State Plaza, had some lunch and did some shopping.  She might have talked me into a VS purchase, but that's okay!  I saw some really cute clothes on the mannequins in H&M and I wanted to get this one outfit, but couldn't find the pants!  Grrr.  I'm going to try and find them online.  So that's it for today, got to start getting ready to hit the gym!

Falling Off?

I feel like I have been falling off the wagon since Friday.  I feel really bad that I indulged as much as I did and I'm having a hard time getting back on track.  Yesterday I didn't do terrible.  I spend at least 3 and 1/2 hours walking, I had my cereal for breakfast, small Lender's bagel for snack, 1 Doritos taco for lunch, a 6" Subway turkey breast sub, a fat free fro yo from the mall (okay so I had them put some chocolate chips on there!), a salad, 2 beers, 2 pizza crusts (what? Beer makes me hungry and at least I wasn't eating whole slices!) and one of my mini cupcakes.  According to My Fitness Pal, I came in at just about my calorie intake for the day (slightly over) but I hate it because I definately ate my exercise calories and I hate doing that.  I don't even want to go to the gym today.  I haven't been since Wednesday!  That's not to say I haven't been working out, I just haven't been to the gym.

So with all of that I really feel like I'm starting to lapse a bit.  Sigh.  I think instead of sitting here feeling so down I should get up and do something.  Okay, that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to do some weights, and some ab work and go for a walk.  Here I go.....

Paying for Pizza Hut

Yesterday actually went really well.  P and I made it the entire day without fighting!  That never happens.  Like never.  I can't remember the last time we went a day without fighting.  The kids had such a good time and so did I.  It kind of made me sad though, because I wished things could have been that good when we were together.  We could have made it work.  I know that all couples have disagreements and arguements, but our problems go far beyond that of any normal couple.  Sigh.  All in all though, a really good day.

After returning back to Jersey from the zoo we stopped to have dinner.  Pizza Hut!  My absolute favorite in the entire world.  I could eat it all the time.  I had one and a half breadsticks, 2 slices of pizza, and cut the crusts off two other slices and had the crusts.  Lol, I know, I'm such a classy broad.  I figured I spend about 26 PP there and I was already 7 over for the day!  Luckily yesterday was the start of a new week so I had them.  Plus, according to My Fitness Pal, I burned over 400 calories at the zoo!  After leaving the kids and P at his place I went out and proceeded to use the rest of my WP's.  Oh well.  I think I'm going to go walking today.  I really want to go to the gym, but since it's Stacy's week to teach Saturday's step and she's on vacation, they're not having step at all!  My friend wants to go walking anyway and this will save her the $10 to get into my gym.

So on to the title of my post.  Soooo paying for the pizza today.  My stomach is not happy with me at all.  Pizza Hut is so delicious but sooooo bad for you.  I would say lesson learned, but unlike going to Burger King or something, Pizza Hut is totally worth it for me.  So that's all I got, enjoy your Saturday!

Official WI And BIG NSV

Well, I'm down 1.8 this week!  Yes!!  So of course for dessert I made myself a sundae (but I used slow churned fro yo, that's better than ice cream right?) with fudge (it's sugar free!) AND caramel syrup.  Counterproductive much?  Whatever.  I busted my butt yesterday, I actually did the whole workout of BFBM!  AND I went for about an hour walk.
So here's my NSV.  I took the kids to the pool and..... wore my bikini.  Yup, IN PUBLIC.  Nuts right?  I have only ever worn a bikini one other time in my life and that was 7 years ago before I got pregnant with my son.  And that whole summer I only had the guts to wear it once.  But I wore one yesterday.  And guess what?  I didn't feel like anyone was staring at me wondering why the hippo was out of the zoo and wearing a two piece!  I wasn't that self conscious after the first few minutes.  Such a liberating feeling.  So yeah, feeling pretty good about that.

Today I'm taking my kids to their dad's for what will probably be the last weekend for a while.  He has some, um, legal matters that will be taking up his weekends for the next 5 or 6 weeks.  And by that time school will have started which means it will be soccer season, which means he'll only be able to have them one night on the weekends instead of two since soccer is Wed/Sat.

Now P is the type of guy that will just go ahead and make plans without consulting anyone.  If he thinks it's a good idea he's just going to go for it and tell you about it later.  Can we guess what I'm getting at here?  Last night when I called him so he could say good night to the kids he informs me that he has purchased 4 tickets for the Bronx Zoo.  Well he and the kids only make 3 people and both his parents work, and he can't take the kids out of state without my prior consent, so guess who ticket number four is for?  Yup.  Me.  Now I love the Bronx Zoo, I have been waiting years for when I thought the kids would be old enough to take there (I'm super paranoid about taking them places like NY and Philly) and I think they would love it, however he didn't check with me.  He just bought the tickets, and now I have to spend the day with him.  He's not a bad guy, he just drives me absolutely insane.  He's like a big kid.  That's what he is.  He is a 3 year old trapped in a 36 year old body.  The things I do for my kids, lol.  So hopefully things will go smoothly.  I really have no problems with him, it's just awkward, you know?  Spending an entire day with your ex.  This also means I have to skip the gym this morning if I want to get to the zoo early enough to make it worth going.  But since I will be spending the better part of the day on my feet, it should be okay.  I'm packing our lunches and our snacks so it will be cheaper and I don't really have to worry about what I'm eating.  Happy Friday!






 

Update 8/16

Since Stacy is on vacation for the week, we've been having a sub in her classes.  Yesterday was cardio kickbox with Amy.  Oh. My. Gosh. #ThatChickCray.  She is like one of those super fitness people that goes really fast and adds a bunch of jumps and stuff that normally aren't there.  Like instead of just doing knee strikes, they're knee strikes with a jump.  Really challenging and I am sooooo feeling it today.

Today is my active recovery day.  I'm thinking about hitting up Dunkin (since it's finally open!) and then going power walking.  Although part of me wants to do Jillian Michael's BFBM.  We shall see I suppose.  Yesterday didn't go quite as I had planned eating wise.  My friend called and we took a last minute trip to the mall so instead of my salad I had to grab a snack on the go.  I stayed within my calories but fell short on my veggies for the day and my water too.  It's okay though, right back on today.

So that's all I got, just a quickie update for now.  WW later!

Looking Back To Move Forward

So in case you hadn't noticed, I've been a little down recently.  My motivation has been lacking and I've been a little depressed.  So yesterday I decided after catching up on the blogs I read, I would blog stalk myself.  I went back to 2011 when I started this and re-read some of my posts.  It made me remember how happy I was when even though I went bar hopping and then to the diner I didn't throw in the towel.  How when I had my very first gain EVER while actively doing WW I didn't let it derail me.  Or how incredibly awesome I thought it was that I was getting in ONE serving of veggies every day.  And it made me realize just how far I've come, and not just with my weight, but with how I react to certain things.  Normally I would have given up after the bar crawl.  A gain would have made me quit.  But I didn't.  I stuck with it and now I am within 7 lbs of my goal!  And you know what I did for the first time in 3 years yesterday?  I put on my size 2 skinny jeans from AE.  And they fit!  I didn't have to do any kind of wiggling or dancing.  I didn't have to suck it in to button them, I didn't have anything hanging over the top.  They just fit.

So that was inspiring enough to force me to workout even though I was extremely tired (I had woken up at 2:30 and could NOT go back to sleep).  I did FE C3C and half of BBL H&T.  Altogether I worked out for 40 minutes.  Not bad considering I didn't want to do anything at all.  Then I put my size 2's back on and wore them all day.  I didn't go anywhere.  I just had a veg day with the kids since the weather wasn't awesome.  But I wore them to remind myself why I wasn't going to go reach for the Twix ice cream bars in the freezer.  I wore them to remind myself only to eat if I was actually hungry.  I wore them so that when I was hungry I would go for the salad or the carrots or something healthy.  And that worked up until I decided to make cupcakes with the kids, lol!  To my credit though, I didn't lick the bowl, or the spoon.  I did lick my fingers though when I was all done.  I bought one of those Babycakes cupcake makers and it said to only put 2 tbsp of batter into every wrapper so I was a good girl and measured.  AND I only had ONE cupcake.  I plugged them into My Fitness Pal and they come out to just 53 calories per cupcake.  I then realized I could have made them with diet soda and it would have been even less, but that's okay.  Next time ;)

Not really sure what I have on tap for today.  I made the kids French toast for breakfast and I'm just finishing up my coffee.  I do have kickboxing at 9 this morning at the gym.  I can't wait to go back.  After not going Sunday and not going yesterday I feel like it's been ages since I have been.  Maybe that's why I'm in such a funk?  I feel like I'm not doing anything because I haven't been at the gym.  Maybe it's hormones?  Speaking of which TOM is a full TWO MONTHS late now.  Two months people.  No, really, I'm not pregnant.  It's driving me nuts, I really need it to get here like yesterday.  Ugh.

And lastly before I wrap this up, I want to talk about my cruise.  I am rooming with 3 people I hav never met before.  Last time I went, I went with a friend and we had 2 roomies, who at the time we booked we hadn't met.  We met one of them at the fall tour and the other we didn't meet until we were in Miami and it worked out great.  They were really awesome.  So I have no doubts in my mind that my roomies this time around will also be awesome.  It's 2 guys and one girl.  I found them on a 311 group on Fb that I have been a member of for a while.  I was stalking th group last Friday looking for people who still needed cabin mates and I sent out soooo many DM's.  They were the first ones to respond, so they are the ones I picked.  So we all exchanged numbers and are now Fb friends.  Anyway, my two guy room mates?  Holy moly are they hot!!!  And I believe they are both single.  I am on lucky lady here.  If that isn't motivation to get my ass to the gym, well I don't know what is!  I mean, I really lucked out here.  So anyway, just wanted to throw that in there.  It really has nothing to do with anything but I just needed to say it.  Have a great one!