Sunday, October 2, 2011

Change of Plans and Some History

The bbq was cancelled yesterday due to the rain, which kind of sucked because it would have been nice to see everyone again, but it was also a relief because I didn't have to worry about what to eat.  So I'm on day 4, and so far so good.  My two biggest problems are (as I said yesterday) being put in a situation where I don't feel in control and so I just give up.  And second getting upset when the number on the scale isn't as good as I had hoped or when I just get stuck, because I give up then too.  I have got to figure out a way to not do that anymore.

I think a big part of it is that I have an eating disorder.  It's not what they call an "active diagnosis" anymore, but just like an alcoholic who has been sober for 10 years will always be an alcoholic, I will always have my eating disorder.  When I was 17 I was severly anorexic, to the point where the doctors said I would be lucky if I lived to see the new year, that was on Thanksgiving by the way.  I worked out at the gym 3 hours a day 7 days a week.  If the weather was nice I would run to the gym (7 miles each way), work out, then run home.  Plus I would do workout dvd's at home on top of that.  I allowed myself to have one 8oz glass of water a day.  I allowed myself to eat one day a week.  Sundays were my day to eat and I got to have a Slim Fast shake.  That's right, just one.  I was living off of 220 calories a week.  I got down to 94lbs.  Insane, I know.

So even though I don't do that anymore, I still have those thoughts and feelings, and I feel like if I let my willpower slip even a little (having one bite of something I shouldn't) that I have failed.  And then I'm miserable.  So because of all this, it is a little more difficult for me to diet than the average person.  I am always in danger of just giving up completely or falling back into anorexia.  It is very hard to find a balance between the two, because let's face it, neither of those options are healthy.  Going up and down in weight all the time isn't good for the body, and it's not good to be really heavy either (not talking about physical appearence, I'm talking about health here).  So that's it for today.  I'm off to do a workout.

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