Yesterday Sucked

I had a blueberrybagel with butter from Dunkin Donuts, 4 munchkins, and 2 mini cider donuts.  However, that plus 1 cup of multi grain Cheerios and a pbj is all I had to eat yesterday.  I was trying to get my Christmas shopping done while both kids were in school and before I blew my money on something else.  *sigh*  That's okay, today is a new day.  A new day in which I have to take my son to his soccer game AND then to soccer clinic (yes, we have 2 hours of soccer every Saturday!), then to wrestling sign ups (something I never really thought I would let him do, but he wants to try it, so....), and then off to my dad's house an hour away to have lunch and hang out.  I have no idea what time I will be home.  So I have no reasonable expectation of working out today, but I am, at the very least, going to do my best to eat well.  So happy Saturday everyone, will check back tomorrow!

Weigh In

So yesterday was just busy, so I didn't get to post, but I did weigh in.  Exactly the same as I was Tuesday.  Which isn't great, but at least it didn't go up.  My plan is to start the 30DS, so hopefully next week I will get a better number.  I gotta admit, it's really hard not to throw in the towel.  While I know I could have worked out a little more, I did put in a lot of effort this last week and for it to not show really really sucks.  So we shall see what this next week brings.

Quick Update

Didn't get to my weights today, but I did go for like a 45 minute walk with my daughter before hitting up story time at the library and I stayed on track as far as eating goes, so I'm still doing okay.  Not great, but at least I'm doing it.  Tomorrow is official weigh in day.  I'm hoping it is better than yesterday, but I'm not expecting it to have moved much, and then Friday I start doing the crazy stuff.  It's been really hard to stick with the eating.  So many times I have been tempted.  But I am really doing my best to not give in.  So that's it, just wanted to give a quick update.  I really want to be on here everyday, I find that it helps me.  I will check back tomorrow!

Flaked and Caved

I totally flaked on my cardio yesterday *oops*.  At least I squeezed in some weight training, better than nothing.  And I caved and weighed myself this morning.  178.8.  Really?  Not even a pound?  And here I thought I was doing so well.  So I guess I am going to have to actually start tracking and I need to find some tougher workouts.  Although in my defense, after I had my daughter I lost 80lbs doing the Walk Away the Pounds (which I will refer to as WATP, it's easier) dvd's, and I did it quickly, so I really thought it would be enough for now.  I am going to finish out the week doing WATP and then on Friday I will suck it up and actually start doing 30 Day Shred (30DS).  She says you can lose 20lbs in a month doing that, so we shall see......

Fighting the Good Fight

Doing pretty well today.  I did about 25 minutes of Jillian Michael's No More Trouble Zones today.  I want to do that on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  I figure I can handle some weight training 3 days a week.  I still have to do my cardio, I WILL fit it in today!  Eating pretty well, everything else is going okay.  I'm starting to get antsy, I really really really want to weigh myself, but I'm going to fight the urge to do so until Thursday.  I would love to have lost 4-5lbs this week, but I have to try to keep in mind that I can't pull a big number every week, and no matter how small the loss it is still a loss and not a GAIN.  Even if I stay the same, I still didn't gain weight.

Staying the same, however, is very frustrating.  It has happened a few times in the past, and as I previously mentioned it happened last year for a few months straight.  Like you work and you work, you watch what you eat, you start busting your ass in your workouts hoping to get the scale to budge and it doesn't.  So then you start wondering why in the hell you're putting in all this effort.  The reason is that you don't want to go back to the way you were, but some how at that point you lose sight of that and fall off the wagon.  I can't do it again, not this time. 

So here I am in the meantime, not eating what I want, but eating what I should, and counting the days until Thursday and hoping that I manage at least a 3lb loss so I don't get too discouraged.  I can't get like that this early on, because if I do this won't work.

Change of Plans and Some History

The bbq was cancelled yesterday due to the rain, which kind of sucked because it would have been nice to see everyone again, but it was also a relief because I didn't have to worry about what to eat.  So I'm on day 4, and so far so good.  My two biggest problems are (as I said yesterday) being put in a situation where I don't feel in control and so I just give up.  And second getting upset when the number on the scale isn't as good as I had hoped or when I just get stuck, because I give up then too.  I have got to figure out a way to not do that anymore.

I think a big part of it is that I have an eating disorder.  It's not what they call an "active diagnosis" anymore, but just like an alcoholic who has been sober for 10 years will always be an alcoholic, I will always have my eating disorder.  When I was 17 I was severly anorexic, to the point where the doctors said I would be lucky if I lived to see the new year, that was on Thanksgiving by the way.  I worked out at the gym 3 hours a day 7 days a week.  If the weather was nice I would run to the gym (7 miles each way), work out, then run home.  Plus I would do workout dvd's at home on top of that.  I allowed myself to have one 8oz glass of water a day.  I allowed myself to eat one day a week.  Sundays were my day to eat and I got to have a Slim Fast shake.  That's right, just one.  I was living off of 220 calories a week.  I got down to 94lbs.  Insane, I know.

So even though I don't do that anymore, I still have those thoughts and feelings, and I feel like if I let my willpower slip even a little (having one bite of something I shouldn't) that I have failed.  And then I'm miserable.  So because of all this, it is a little more difficult for me to diet than the average person.  I am always in danger of just giving up completely or falling back into anorexia.  It is very hard to find a balance between the two, because let's face it, neither of those options are healthy.  Going up and down in weight all the time isn't good for the body, and it's not good to be really heavy either (not talking about physical appearence, I'm talking about health here).  So that's it for today.  I'm off to do a workout.

Day 3

So this is me, 2 years ago at my goal weight.  Please excuse the huge Lion King keychain in my lap.  Those are size 0's I'm wearing.  Everyone told me it wouldn't be possible to be that small after having 2 kids, but I showed them!  And I was healthy, I worked out 6 times a week, about 20-40 minutes a day, and I ate 5-6 times a day.  I need to get back here, the only change is I want a more toned stomach this time.  I did ab workouts, and that was as good as it got.  However, I did have 2 kids so I guess I can forgive myself for not having abs of steel.

Anyway, I technically started this whole thing on Thursday. I started watching what I eat and going for a walk to my friend's house, which is 1.8 miles away.  So this is day 3.  I have been doing well, I had some cereal for breakfast and I just finished a Walk Away The Pounds dvd, I did a 3 mile walk.  You know you're out of shape when Leslie Sansone kicks your ass, I'm just sayin'.  I'm a little nervous for today, we got invited to a picnic/bbq with some friends at a park.  I don't do well when I'm on a diet and have to eat somewhere that's not home.  I dread it.  I seriously freak out a little.

I'm really hoping that I can just pick one thing, eat a single portion of it, and stop there.  Also if I feel I haven't done well I am very likely to just throw the whole day away.  And then a day turns into a week, and well, you get the idea.  Self sabbatoge at its finest.  So that's it.  Expect me to post here almost every day, if not every day.  I need some accountability here.  So wish me luck.