Here We Go Again

I didn't go to WW last night.  I was really looking forward to WI but things got all kinds of screwy yesterday.  My mom took the day off work and wanted to take the kids and I to lunch.  Hello Ihop.  I got my usual Simple & Fit 2x2x2 which is a whopping 400 calories but keeps me full ALL DAY.  This of course wa AFTER I had gone to the mall to look for some school stuff and treated myself to Auntie Anne's.  Whatever.  I only went over last night by 30 grams of turkey breast, a sandwich thin, 2 90 calorie dinner rolls made into mini pb&j's (really didn't even use a full tablespoon of peanut butter) and a 90 calorie Twix ice cream.  Compared to the binges I've had the last few weeks, that is NOTHING.  And I also took the kids on a nice after dinner walk.

So what went so horribly wrong?  P had court for something that happened back in May and got slapped with a 30 day jail sentence.  Now 30 days over in county is nothing.  He's done 6 months before.  BUT this means that he now does not have a job, and (as we learned from when he did the 6 months) he can't file for unemployment when he gets out since going to jail is apparently considered voluntarily leaving your job.  Um, last time I checked no one exactly volunteers to go to jail.  I know, I know, they mean that you voluntarily committed an act which could land you in jail, just sayin' though.  And what does all this mean exactly?  Well this means that AGAIN I am the one who has to tell the kids daddy's in jail.  That's a fun conversation let me tell you.  And this is the 4th or 5th time I have had to have this talk with them in the last 3 years.  It really doesn't get any easier.  That alone is enough to make me want to go pound a six pack when they go to bed.  I didn't, but it was tempting, not gonna lie.

And on top of having that lovely conversation with my 4 and 6 year olds this also means that now I have to pay for A's preschool AGAIN.  I paid for her last year.  Well, my mom paid, but I worked it off.  We were still together at the time and he was working then.  God forbid he pay for his own child.  He had money for other thingd but not for her school.  So I told him he had to pay this year.  Well that's not going to happen now.  And so I'm probably going to have to cancel my trip.  Oh well.  She needs to go to school, not much I can do about it.

Just to clear things up, I have no problems paying for things for my kids.  I love them dearly and would do anything for them, and I do it with a smile on my face.  I made the choice to have children, and I wouldn't trade motherhood and all it's responsibilities for anything in this world.  My point is that P also made the decision to have children and he gets upset when I call them "my" kids, he always says to me "They're not YOUR kids, they're OUR kids."  Well okay then maybe you should ACT like it.  I really have no tolerance for people that are part time parents.  You can't pick and choose when it's convienent for you to be a parent.  Once you have a child that you have decided to keep then you are a parent 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the rest of your life.  That's just how it is.  And I don't mean to bash P's parenting.  He loves the kids, he really does, but what baffles me is that I know he would take a bullet for either of them without even thinking about it, but he just refuses to pay for stuff for them unless it's something fun that he wants to do.  Like going out to eat, or going down the shore, or the zoo.

So that's my vent du jour.  In happier news, we are getting ready to go spend the day on the lake on my parent's boat, so that should be fun.  This is the kids' first time on the boat, I hope they like it.

A Little Less Crazy

I am slightly less emotional than I was yesterday.  And I got more sleep, so yay!  Kickboxing really helped me out yesterday morning, I felt so much better.  After the gym I took my daughter to the open house at her preschool.  I really love the staff there, such wonderful people.  I don't think she's as crazy about her teacher this year (I really like her though!).  If my daughter had her way she would probably go back to Miss J's class, that's her teacher from last year.  I really like Mrs. H though, and she's also the director over there.  I have every confidence that she will be able to get A ready for kindergarten next fall.  Well, A is already there academically.  She's pretty much on the same page as her brother, but I'm referring to her getting used to doing more traditional school work and a school schedule, etc.  Also I need to send my son, R's application (and money) in for him to join Cub Scouts, and I need to register him for fall soccer.  Why I can never find anything about when soccer sign ups are is beyond me.  Oh, and I need to pay A's September tuition for dance.  By the time that's all said and done I will be broke, lol.  It's okay, totally worth it.  I want them to want to be involved.

In other news, I have a head cold.  Oh joy of joys.  Last weekend of summer, so of course I would get sick.  Just like I was sick over Spring Break.  No clue what's wrong with me, I never get sick.  Never ever ever.  Of course I also never used to spend so much time around school children and public parks and play areas, so maybe that has something to do with it......

I am absolutely going to weigh in today though, I need what I feel is an accurate weigh.  I stepped on the scale this morning (BEFORE going to the bathroom, k?) and 120 even.  Reeeeaaaallllly?  Because that means on the WW scale I'm 119.6!  Under 120!  I stepped on two more times to make sure, but we all know by now how obsessive I am with things being accurate and for me the WW scale is the ultimate final last word.  This day might not suck after all. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do with the kids today.  Summer is winding down, and I don't want them to be stuck inside doing nothing, but my head alone feels like it weighs 120lbs.  My mom has it too which really sucks because tomorrow she and my step dad were going to take the kids out on the boat for the first time ever!  I'm so happy I didn't say anything to the kids because I wouldn't want them to be disappointed.  But I'm disappointed.  They would have had so much fun.  I guess there's always next year......

Mommy Guilt

I would like to start off by saying that I hopped on the scale this morning (surprise surprise, right?) and I am happy to report I am back to 120.4!  Also I have been back OP for two straight days, looking to go for number 3 here!

Now on to what I would really like to talk about.  As most of you know, I have the wonderful opportunty to work from home 90% of the time, which means I get to spend a lot of time with the most amazing people in the world, my children.  So last night my son says to me "Mommy, when do we get to spend time together?"  And my initial thought was "Is he serious?  I spend almost every waking hour with them!"  And I love it, I really do.  There is nothing I would rather do than be with my babies, but it kind of upset me that he thought we don't spend enough time together.  There's just not enough hours in the day to spend more time with them.  If there was, I would do it.  Now I realize this was probably just a tactic to be able to stay up later, but it still made me feel bad.

So I ended up having this dream last night where the kids and I were somewhere that was completely flooded, like we were legit just floating around, and the water was freezing!  And there was no way to get out of the water.  And we're floating and in the dream I was thinking "Holy shit, we're going to freeze to death.  We are all going to die."  And I just kept the kids as close to me as I could to try and keep them warm.  Well that lovely dream woke me at about 4 AM.  Awesome.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how life is short, and we're never promised tomorrow.  Hell, we're not even promised 5 minutes from now, and how it's important to make every second count.  So I'm thinking of cancelling my cruise.  Woah, did I just say that?  Yeah, yeah I did.  I wouldn't leave my cabin mates hanging (because then they would have to pay for me too), I would find some one else to take my spot first, but I'm thinking of taking my cruise money and taking my kids on a trip instead.  I mean, when it's all said and done, between the room, and the airfare (or train fare) and spending money I would have spent $2000 on myself. 2 GRAND.  How can I do that?  How can I spend that kind of money on me in one shot AND abandon my kids for an entire week?  I just don't think I can do that.

I called my mom at about 5:30, I knew she was up and I talked to her about it and she thinks I should not do anything yet and just really think about it.  I know that if she thought I was wrong for going or if I was being selfish, she would tell me, but she thinks I could use the time for myself.  She thinks it would be good for me.  While I agree that, yes, everyone needs a break, everyone needs a little R&R, why can't I just take a small weekend getaway to like AC or something?  Why do I need to spend a shit ton of money and be in the middle of the Carribean for a week?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  So that's it I guess.  I only have one more week with my kids before school starts, I'm going to go enjoy it with them.

Feels So Good

Yesterday was awesome.  I followed my food plan, I did 80 minutes on the treadmill at 4mph and the incline was set to 3.  I also did some upper body strength training.  And yes it feels so good.  Today I'm not sure what I'm doing as far as working out, I will probably end up doing one of my videos here at home.  Then I plan on taking the kids to Pump It Up for their pop n playtime today at 11.  It's an indoor facility that has bounce houses and inflatable slides and stuff like that.  And it's convienently located kind of by the mall, so......=)

I'm feeling a little better today, thank goodness.  I think it's just allergies.  Oh, so I took the kids to Wal Mart yesterday to get stuff for back to school and we ended up getting interviewed for a segment our local radio station is doing on back to school.  I don't know if we're going to get used, but it was kind of cool. 

I can't believe summer is over and I haven't taken the kids to the shore yet.  So guess what I'm doing this weekend?  Yup.  Call me crazy, I hate going there on the weekends and Labor Day weekend is going to be a nightmare but I promised we would go before the end of summer, and I don't get paid til Friday, so Saturday it is.  As much as I love taking the kids there, I am not looking forward to this.  But summer just isn't summer without at least one trip down.  The kids have literally spend every summer of their lives down there.  P and I started taking each of them when they were only 2 month old.  We can't skip it, it doesn't feel right.

So that's about it, I gotta get my day started I guess.....

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back?

I feel like I'm really starting to fall off the wagon here.  I do great during the week, but my weekends are so screwy that I end up going waaaay over on my eating.  I am so happy P won't be taking the kids for the next few weeks, it will give me a chance to get back on track and stay there.  Also something I think that is sabbotaging (I know I probably butchered that spelling but you know what I mean) me is that I miss eating what everyone else eats.  I am so afraid of not knowing exactly what the calorie count is that I don't want to eat it.  So last night I went on My Fitness Pal and I planned my meals from now until Wednesday, and I was able to include for tomorrow night the left overs my mom gave me.  I am going to have turkey breast and stuffing and I'll make myself some broccoli or something.  I plugged it in and made the rest of Tuesday's food work around that so I could have it.

This is what always happens.  I get to where I want to be, or really close to it and then I start going back in the other direction.  I have been letting too many things slide lately and I can't anymore.  As of this morning I am 121.6.  A week and a half ago I was 120.4.  Granted, I don't know how accurate that was because that was before I went to the bathroom (which TMI, I hadn't done since Saturday), but anyway the point is that the scale is creeping up and it's time to Hulk Smash it back down.

I'm not feeling too great.  My throat is killing me.  I wanted to take step class this morning, but not sure if I could make it through, so instead I'm going to hit the treadmill and do another 4 1/2 mile walk like I did Saturday.  I burned even more calories doing that than I do in step and I'm not huffing and puffing so much so it should be easier on my throat.  After the gym I have to head to Shop Rite and get my groceries for the week, and then I have to figure out something to do with the kids.  So that's about all I got for now.  Hope you guys enjoyed your weekend!

Playing Center

Yesterday my plans got all switched around.  My dad called me and asked if I could come down in the afternoon to help my aunt with my grandfather since he and my brother weren't going to be home.  So of course I said I would come and help out, that's what family does, right?  So I went for a nice 4 1/2 mile walk before heading into work for a few hours, then it was off to Bergen County.

Now if you remember (I don't feel like surfing through my old posts to put a link) my grandad fell and broke his hip back in April and has been back and forth between the hospital and the rehab center with a whole bunch of problems ever since.  Well he finally came home last week but he needs 24/7 care.  He still can't walk, the poor guy can't even sit up by himself.  And my dad and his siblings can't afford to put him in a home or hire a private nurse (medicare and the VA will only pay for 16hrs of private nursing PER WEEK, wtf is that?) so it's up to my aunt, dad, and brother to take care of him.  You can just imagine how tired and tense everyone is over there.

I spend the night down there since I was supposed to come down for lunch today anyway and I had to pick up the kids from P's house which is in between my house and my dad's.  Well my dad had called me earlier this week wanting me to talk to my brother about his attitude towards helping out with grandad.  Apparently he helps but not without a lot of complaining.  I get it, it's not pleasant, no one really WANTS to do all the stuff for grandad, but it needs to be done.  My brother gets back last night and starts complaining that dad doesn't treat him like an adult and that he just changes plans all the time and expects A (my brother) to just accomidate these changes.  These two are always butting heads.  So this morning I got to play referee as usual.

The problem is this.  They're both right, and they are both hot tempered and stubborn.  Dad is right that A should totally help out more since he is living there, dad still gives him money when he needs it and pays for things for him, and also it's family, you need to suck it up.  A is right, dad needs to keep A aware of his plans and not make demands of him.  Like instead of saying to my brother "A, you're going to do this, if you don't like it, tough shit," he needs to say, "Hey A, I could really use your help with this, would you mind?"  And my brother will be more than happy to help out, he just wants to be asked and treated like an adult.  But they can't have a conversation because they both get super defensive and start interrupting eachother and yelling over eachother and it's no good.  Add in the stress of having to take care of grandad and it's a disaster.  So it's up to me to help them actually communicate.  Fun, fun times.

Quick Post Non Catchy Title

I did kind of better yesterday.  I only had one more slice of pizza than I had planned on, and dinner I had 2 tacos from Taco Bell and a biscuit from KFC.  If it had stopped there it wouldn't have been so bad.  P ended up taking the kids so I had a few drinks.  Nothing crazy like 2 weeks ago (oh Lord I CAN'T do that again), I only had four.  But then I also had 1/2 cup of ice cream, a dinner roll (90 calories/2PP), a 100 calorie pack of Doritos, and a few Stacy's pita chips.  I counted everything and I still have 8 weeklies left so still OP!  And I went to spinning yesterday and walked for about 2 hours so it's kind of balanced, right?  I'm not going out today, actually have to go to work.  I'm thinking about walking there.  It's a good hike.

I really don't have anything else to say today so yeah, gonna end this post.  Have a great Saturday!