Friday, August 31, 2012

Here We Go Again

I didn't go to WW last night.  I was really looking forward to WI but things got all kinds of screwy yesterday.  My mom took the day off work and wanted to take the kids and I to lunch.  Hello Ihop.  I got my usual Simple & Fit 2x2x2 which is a whopping 400 calories but keeps me full ALL DAY.  This of course wa AFTER I had gone to the mall to look for some school stuff and treated myself to Auntie Anne's.  Whatever.  I only went over last night by 30 grams of turkey breast, a sandwich thin, 2 90 calorie dinner rolls made into mini pb&j's (really didn't even use a full tablespoon of peanut butter) and a 90 calorie Twix ice cream.  Compared to the binges I've had the last few weeks, that is NOTHING.  And I also took the kids on a nice after dinner walk.

So what went so horribly wrong?  P had court for something that happened back in May and got slapped with a 30 day jail sentence.  Now 30 days over in county is nothing.  He's done 6 months before.  BUT this means that he now does not have a job, and (as we learned from when he did the 6 months) he can't file for unemployment when he gets out since going to jail is apparently considered voluntarily leaving your job.  Um, last time I checked no one exactly volunteers to go to jail.  I know, I know, they mean that you voluntarily committed an act which could land you in jail, just sayin' though.  And what does all this mean exactly?  Well this means that AGAIN I am the one who has to tell the kids daddy's in jail.  That's a fun conversation let me tell you.  And this is the 4th or 5th time I have had to have this talk with them in the last 3 years.  It really doesn't get any easier.  That alone is enough to make me want to go pound a six pack when they go to bed.  I didn't, but it was tempting, not gonna lie.

And on top of having that lovely conversation with my 4 and 6 year olds this also means that now I have to pay for A's preschool AGAIN.  I paid for her last year.  Well, my mom paid, but I worked it off.  We were still together at the time and he was working then.  God forbid he pay for his own child.  He had money for other thingd but not for her school.  So I told him he had to pay this year.  Well that's not going to happen now.  And so I'm probably going to have to cancel my trip.  Oh well.  She needs to go to school, not much I can do about it.

Just to clear things up, I have no problems paying for things for my kids.  I love them dearly and would do anything for them, and I do it with a smile on my face.  I made the choice to have children, and I wouldn't trade motherhood and all it's responsibilities for anything in this world.  My point is that P also made the decision to have children and he gets upset when I call them "my" kids, he always says to me "They're not YOUR kids, they're OUR kids."  Well okay then maybe you should ACT like it.  I really have no tolerance for people that are part time parents.  You can't pick and choose when it's convienent for you to be a parent.  Once you have a child that you have decided to keep then you are a parent 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the rest of your life.  That's just how it is.  And I don't mean to bash P's parenting.  He loves the kids, he really does, but what baffles me is that I know he would take a bullet for either of them without even thinking about it, but he just refuses to pay for stuff for them unless it's something fun that he wants to do.  Like going out to eat, or going down the shore, or the zoo.

So that's my vent du jour.  In happier news, we are getting ready to go spend the day on the lake on my parent's boat, so that should be fun.  This is the kids' first time on the boat, I hope they like it.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

A Little Less Crazy

I am slightly less emotional than I was yesterday.  And I got more sleep, so yay!  Kickboxing really helped me out yesterday morning, I felt so much better.  After the gym I took my daughter to the open house at her preschool.  I really love the staff there, such wonderful people.  I don't think she's as crazy about her teacher this year (I really like her though!).  If my daughter had her way she would probably go back to Miss J's class, that's her teacher from last year.  I really like Mrs. H though, and she's also the director over there.  I have every confidence that she will be able to get A ready for kindergarten next fall.  Well, A is already there academically.  She's pretty much on the same page as her brother, but I'm referring to her getting used to doing more traditional school work and a school schedule, etc.  Also I need to send my son, R's application (and money) in for him to join Cub Scouts, and I need to register him for fall soccer.  Why I can never find anything about when soccer sign ups are is beyond me.  Oh, and I need to pay A's September tuition for dance.  By the time that's all said and done I will be broke, lol.  It's okay, totally worth it.  I want them to want to be involved.

In other news, I have a head cold.  Oh joy of joys.  Last weekend of summer, so of course I would get sick.  Just like I was sick over Spring Break.  No clue what's wrong with me, I never get sick.  Never ever ever.  Of course I also never used to spend so much time around school children and public parks and play areas, so maybe that has something to do with it......

I am absolutely going to weigh in today though, I need what I feel is an accurate weigh.  I stepped on the scale this morning (BEFORE going to the bathroom, k?) and 120 even.  Reeeeaaaallllly?  Because that means on the WW scale I'm 119.6!  Under 120!  I stepped on two more times to make sure, but we all know by now how obsessive I am with things being accurate and for me the WW scale is the ultimate final last word.  This day might not suck after all. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do with the kids today.  Summer is winding down, and I don't want them to be stuck inside doing nothing, but my head alone feels like it weighs 120lbs.  My mom has it too which really sucks because tomorrow she and my step dad were going to take the kids out on the boat for the first time ever!  I'm so happy I didn't say anything to the kids because I wouldn't want them to be disappointed.  But I'm disappointed.  They would have had so much fun.  I guess there's always next year......

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Mommy Guilt

I would like to start off by saying that I hopped on the scale this morning (surprise surprise, right?) and I am happy to report I am back to 120.4!  Also I have been back OP for two straight days, looking to go for number 3 here!

Now on to what I would really like to talk about.  As most of you know, I have the wonderful opportunty to work from home 90% of the time, which means I get to spend a lot of time with the most amazing people in the world, my children.  So last night my son says to me "Mommy, when do we get to spend time together?"  And my initial thought was "Is he serious?  I spend almost every waking hour with them!"  And I love it, I really do.  There is nothing I would rather do than be with my babies, but it kind of upset me that he thought we don't spend enough time together.  There's just not enough hours in the day to spend more time with them.  If there was, I would do it.  Now I realize this was probably just a tactic to be able to stay up later, but it still made me feel bad.

So I ended up having this dream last night where the kids and I were somewhere that was completely flooded, like we were legit just floating around, and the water was freezing!  And there was no way to get out of the water.  And we're floating and in the dream I was thinking "Holy shit, we're going to freeze to death.  We are all going to die."  And I just kept the kids as close to me as I could to try and keep them warm.  Well that lovely dream woke me at about 4 AM.  Awesome.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how life is short, and we're never promised tomorrow.  Hell, we're not even promised 5 minutes from now, and how it's important to make every second count.  So I'm thinking of cancelling my cruise.  Woah, did I just say that?  Yeah, yeah I did.  I wouldn't leave my cabin mates hanging (because then they would have to pay for me too), I would find some one else to take my spot first, but I'm thinking of taking my cruise money and taking my kids on a trip instead.  I mean, when it's all said and done, between the room, and the airfare (or train fare) and spending money I would have spent $2000 on myself. 2 GRAND.  How can I do that?  How can I spend that kind of money on me in one shot AND abandon my kids for an entire week?  I just don't think I can do that.

I called my mom at about 5:30, I knew she was up and I talked to her about it and she thinks I should not do anything yet and just really think about it.  I know that if she thought I was wrong for going or if I was being selfish, she would tell me, but she thinks I could use the time for myself.  She thinks it would be good for me.  While I agree that, yes, everyone needs a break, everyone needs a little R&R, why can't I just take a small weekend getaway to like AC or something?  Why do I need to spend a shit ton of money and be in the middle of the Carribean for a week?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  So that's it I guess.  I only have one more week with my kids before school starts, I'm going to go enjoy it with them.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Feels So Good

Yesterday was awesome.  I followed my food plan, I did 80 minutes on the treadmill at 4mph and the incline was set to 3.  I also did some upper body strength training.  And yes it feels so good.  Today I'm not sure what I'm doing as far as working out, I will probably end up doing one of my videos here at home.  Then I plan on taking the kids to Pump It Up for their pop n playtime today at 11.  It's an indoor facility that has bounce houses and inflatable slides and stuff like that.  And it's convienently located kind of by the mall, so......=)

I'm feeling a little better today, thank goodness.  I think it's just allergies.  Oh, so I took the kids to Wal Mart yesterday to get stuff for back to school and we ended up getting interviewed for a segment our local radio station is doing on back to school.  I don't know if we're going to get used, but it was kind of cool. 

I can't believe summer is over and I haven't taken the kids to the shore yet.  So guess what I'm doing this weekend?  Yup.  Call me crazy, I hate going there on the weekends and Labor Day weekend is going to be a nightmare but I promised we would go before the end of summer, and I don't get paid til Friday, so Saturday it is.  As much as I love taking the kids there, I am not looking forward to this.  But summer just isn't summer without at least one trip down.  The kids have literally spend every summer of their lives down there.  P and I started taking each of them when they were only 2 month old.  We can't skip it, it doesn't feel right.

So that's about it, I gotta get my day started I guess.....

Monday, August 27, 2012

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back?

I feel like I'm really starting to fall off the wagon here.  I do great during the week, but my weekends are so screwy that I end up going waaaay over on my eating.  I am so happy P won't be taking the kids for the next few weeks, it will give me a chance to get back on track and stay there.  Also something I think that is sabbotaging (I know I probably butchered that spelling but you know what I mean) me is that I miss eating what everyone else eats.  I am so afraid of not knowing exactly what the calorie count is that I don't want to eat it.  So last night I went on My Fitness Pal and I planned my meals from now until Wednesday, and I was able to include for tomorrow night the left overs my mom gave me.  I am going to have turkey breast and stuffing and I'll make myself some broccoli or something.  I plugged it in and made the rest of Tuesday's food work around that so I could have it.

This is what always happens.  I get to where I want to be, or really close to it and then I start going back in the other direction.  I have been letting too many things slide lately and I can't anymore.  As of this morning I am 121.6.  A week and a half ago I was 120.4.  Granted, I don't know how accurate that was because that was before I went to the bathroom (which TMI, I hadn't done since Saturday), but anyway the point is that the scale is creeping up and it's time to Hulk Smash it back down.

I'm not feeling too great.  My throat is killing me.  I wanted to take step class this morning, but not sure if I could make it through, so instead I'm going to hit the treadmill and do another 4 1/2 mile walk like I did Saturday.  I burned even more calories doing that than I do in step and I'm not huffing and puffing so much so it should be easier on my throat.  After the gym I have to head to Shop Rite and get my groceries for the week, and then I have to figure out something to do with the kids.  So that's about all I got for now.  Hope you guys enjoyed your weekend!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Playing Center

Yesterday my plans got all switched around.  My dad called me and asked if I could come down in the afternoon to help my aunt with my grandfather since he and my brother weren't going to be home.  So of course I said I would come and help out, that's what family does, right?  So I went for a nice 4 1/2 mile walk before heading into work for a few hours, then it was off to Bergen County.

Now if you remember (I don't feel like surfing through my old posts to put a link) my grandad fell and broke his hip back in April and has been back and forth between the hospital and the rehab center with a whole bunch of problems ever since.  Well he finally came home last week but he needs 24/7 care.  He still can't walk, the poor guy can't even sit up by himself.  And my dad and his siblings can't afford to put him in a home or hire a private nurse (medicare and the VA will only pay for 16hrs of private nursing PER WEEK, wtf is that?) so it's up to my aunt, dad, and brother to take care of him.  You can just imagine how tired and tense everyone is over there.

I spend the night down there since I was supposed to come down for lunch today anyway and I had to pick up the kids from P's house which is in between my house and my dad's.  Well my dad had called me earlier this week wanting me to talk to my brother about his attitude towards helping out with grandad.  Apparently he helps but not without a lot of complaining.  I get it, it's not pleasant, no one really WANTS to do all the stuff for grandad, but it needs to be done.  My brother gets back last night and starts complaining that dad doesn't treat him like an adult and that he just changes plans all the time and expects A (my brother) to just accomidate these changes.  These two are always butting heads.  So this morning I got to play referee as usual.

The problem is this.  They're both right, and they are both hot tempered and stubborn.  Dad is right that A should totally help out more since he is living there, dad still gives him money when he needs it and pays for things for him, and also it's family, you need to suck it up.  A is right, dad needs to keep A aware of his plans and not make demands of him.  Like instead of saying to my brother "A, you're going to do this, if you don't like it, tough shit," he needs to say, "Hey A, I could really use your help with this, would you mind?"  And my brother will be more than happy to help out, he just wants to be asked and treated like an adult.  But they can't have a conversation because they both get super defensive and start interrupting eachother and yelling over eachother and it's no good.  Add in the stress of having to take care of grandad and it's a disaster.  So it's up to me to help them actually communicate.  Fun, fun times.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Quick Post Non Catchy Title

I did kind of better yesterday.  I only had one more slice of pizza than I had planned on, and dinner I had 2 tacos from Taco Bell and a biscuit from KFC.  If it had stopped there it wouldn't have been so bad.  P ended up taking the kids so I had a few drinks.  Nothing crazy like 2 weeks ago (oh Lord I CAN'T do that again), I only had four.  But then I also had 1/2 cup of ice cream, a dinner roll (90 calories/2PP), a 100 calorie pack of Doritos, and a few Stacy's pita chips.  I counted everything and I still have 8 weeklies left so still OP!  And I went to spinning yesterday and walked for about 2 hours so it's kind of balanced, right?  I'm not going out today, actually have to go to work.  I'm thinking about walking there.  It's a good hike.

I really don't have anything else to say today so yeah, gonna end this post.  Have a great Saturday!

Friday, August 24, 2012

WI, Smores, & Shopping

Up .2.  I had it coming though.  I splurged Thursday, Friday, and a little on Saturday too as well as not hitting the gym for almost a week.  I ended up splurging last night too, more than I had anticipated.  I took the kids to my friend's boyfriends house to make smores, and I might have had one....or four.  Whatever.  Yesterday is over, this WW week is over and today is a clean slate.

Yesterday was a pretty good day over all.  We were at the park for over an hour, came home, had lunch, and then hit up the mall where I was able to get some shopping done.  I was sooooo happy I was able to find those pants I saw last week at Garden State with Kelly.  So I got those and the shirt I wanted.  And the best part?  My friend that went with me is a college student and so I was able to get a discount!  I saved $10!  H&M also had this super adorable cheetah print dress on sale for $10.  I really wanted it, but I have no place to wear it to so it stayed on the hanger.  Actually (and this thought literally just popped into my head just now) I should go back and buy it because I saw this cute cheetah costume in the Halloween store, but it's $65!!  I could get the dress, put a pair of black leggings under it and then just get the ears and call it a day.  Sweet, gonna have to do that now, lol.  Also I tried this on at Forever 21

But didn't get it.  I just wasn't thrilld wth how it looked on me.  I don't have enough of an hour glass figure to wear it.  That's my daughter holding Perry the Platypus off to the side there.  She loved the dress.  I am going to be in big trouble with that girl.  We went into Coach for the hell of it (OMG Kelly they had my glasses!!) and she saw this off white clutch that had pink butterflies on it and asked me to buy it for her!  I really have created a monster witht that one.....

So today I am taking them to see their dad.  I agreed to bring the kids down for the day again, but not sure whether or not he's going to keep them.  Anyway, the plan is to take them to Chuck E Cheese for lunch, and I'm going to see if I can talk him into going to see Paranorman.  Also, I'm going to bring gum this time.  Gum and coffee so if I start getting stressed and want to eat like last week I have something else to do.  So that's it.  Heading to spinning in a little bit.  Have a great day!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Waaay Too Early

So I really hoped I would never have cause to blog about this again, but crazy people just seem to stay crazy and it's irritating.  Okay, so remember this post about that crazy lady and the ticket?  Well things have been quiet (thank God) until last night.  Well, early this morning.  She sent me a text at 12:30 AM asking for her ab rocket back.  Okay, really?  You needed to text me in the middle of the night to ask for your ab rocket?  SMH.  Whatever.  So I text her back this morning and tell her 1. Don't text me in the middle of the night making demands 2. If you want m to do something, ASK me, don't TELL me and 3. I don't want anyone that's even distantly related to her within 500 feet of my property and to figure out another way for me to get it back to her.

So she texts me back saying not to tell her how to speak, to drop the ab rocket off with D (who is the mom of my friend that ended up going to the concert with me) and that she still can't believe I lied to her over this ticket.  I replied back saying that if she and D were such good friends, maybe she should ask D who ended up using the ticket I "never had".  And then she goes, D already told me you took her.  Okay, so then you ADMIT there had to be a second ticket.  If I never bought the other ticket as you claim, how in the HELL did I take some one with me??  Well she couldn't answer that, surprise surprise.  Her response was to just leave the ab rocket with D. 

At this point I was getting a little heated.  I said it before and I will say it again, she is the female version of P, and P has this way of just getting me going, without even really trying.  I swear to God I am not like this with anyone else.  I can be the bigger person, I can be calm and rational, I can walk away, but not with him and apparently not with her either.  I texted back saying I would be more than happy to leave it with D as soon as she did one of two things.  Either explain to me how D's daughter was able to use a ticket I "never had" or just admit that she was wrong.  I said admitting you're wrong isn't hard, I do it when I'm wrong.  Watch, I'll even go first.  It was wrong of me to pay you back in change.  It was funny as hell, but it was wrong, I let my anger and frustration get the better of me.

See readers? I'm not this horrible, mean, lying immature bitch that som would make me out to be.  I was wrong and I admitted it.  Not hard.  But anyways, it's 7:30 and she already was able to raise my blood pressure several points and give me a headache.

In other news, kids and I went to the pool yesterday.  Holy Hannah was it cold!  And yes, I wore my bikini.  Sorry Kelly, forgot to take a pic, but I will!  We had such a great time.  Today is WW.  I hopped on the scale this morning, up .2 from last week.  I just have to buckle down a little more this week.  I know, I know, it's only .2 but if I do that every week slowly but surely the weight will all just creep back up so if I put it on one week, I have to take it back off the next.  No gym today, just going to walk.  This is my "rest" day.  Tomorrow I have spinning with Stacy.  I really really love her spin class and am looking forward to it.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Figuring It Out

So I think I finally figured out why I've been in such a funk lately.  I'm done.  I mean technically I want to lose 5 more pounds, but I don't feel like I have to.  If I can just keep working on the toning certain areas I can be happy at 120.  So I'm done, this part of the journey is over for me.  And I kind of feel like I'm in limbo.  I can't go back up, I won't.  I COULD go down, but not too much further otherwise I'll start looking sick.  So here I am kind of stuck and I don't know what to do with myself.  It's like the first time the kids went to their dad's for the weekend.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

And here I am again, unsure what to do.  I mean I know that I have to keep exercising and watching my calorie intake, but it's finding the balance between not losing and not gaining that has always been the problem for me.  For me this is the scariest part of the journey, the hardest part.  Losing weight is the easy part (well not easy but easy in comparison to maintaining).  It's all because of my eating disorder and I know that.  If the scale isn't going down, then to me, I have failed.  I suck, I'm not working hard enough.  Then one of two things happens, I continue to lose and start looking emaciated or I give up and start gaining again.  I think I am actually going to stay for my meeting this week instead of just weighing in and leaving.  I want to weigh in because I want the accountability so I don't start gaining again, but I don't because I don't want to drive myself crazy.  So I'm not sure what to do.

So that's about where I stand right now.  And I'm stressing out a little.  Not just about this whole weight thing, but normal life stuff in general.  At the beginning of summer I feel like I was so much happier and now summer's almost over and I feel like I didn't get half the the things accomplished that I wanted to.  Almost like I wasted the entire summer.  It just sucks.  And what the hell is up with me and this "wasting time" thing I've got going on here?  Suck it up and just keep going!  I need to just focus on what I need to do TODAY instead of being upset over what I DIDN'T do yesterday.  I really want to smash my head into the wall, maybe I can knock some sense into me.  Maybe I've just biten off slightly more than I can chew.  On top of my normal stresses, a friend of mine got into a bit of a situation and I offered to help her out and already it's kind of taking a toll on me.  But she's my friend and she would do the same for me (I think!).  Maybe I need to take a lesson from Holly and just breathe.....

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


It felt so good to get back to the gym yesterday.  I had a real sense of accomplishment.  Today I will be heading to spin class at 9:30, I am soooo ready!  Eating was pretty on point.  The only thing I had that was extra was a sugar free pudding (only 60 calories) at about 8 last night.  I was starving and needed SOMETHING.  So not too bad.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was laying in bed not wanting to get up and my mind kept drifting to my high school days.  So many things I wish I had done differently.  I spend the first year and a half completely just stoned out of my mind.  I was over weight and insecure and felt like I didn't belong anywhere.  Most of my friends that I had had since grade school were still my friends, but they were all involved in sports and extra curriculars that I was too afraid to join and had made other friends through those things.  So I found my acceptance with the stoners.    By the time I got to my junior year I had stopped.  I got an after school job at a coffee shop with one of my friends and things were going okay.  However, I really really wish I had done a sport or been on the yearbook committee or student government or something.

High school wasn't really a bad time in my life.  I was never bullied or picked on or anything.  I was just invisible to anyone who wasn't my friend, which I guess isn't good or bad.  But high school wasn't great either.  It was just....there.  Like I said, I was heavy and self concious and I let that get in my way of doing things I wanted to do.  I was determined to make a change.  Junior year I had joined Weight Watchers for the first time, but ended up putting the weight back on before the school year even ended.  A month before senior year I started Slim Fast and my rapid decline into anorexia.  Luckily I have a great family, wonderful friends, and at the time a really supportive boyfriend who stuck by me through the whole thing. 

And when it was time for me to leave for college, I was heavy again.  I had such a hard time making friends because once again I felt fat and disgusting and walked with my head down.  It took me a while to make a friend and once I did that she was able to introduce me to a bunch of other people and so I finally had a group to hang out with.  They were all great wonderful people, I'm sad that I have lost touch with most of them.

The whole point is that I feel like I didn't get the most out of what were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.  Like I really missed out on a lot of things because I was so insecure and just hated the way I looked.  And I don't want to waste any more time.  I don't want to live without living if that makes any sense.  I'm really mad at myself for allowing my weight to have so much control over me.  I should have been in control of my weight instead of the other way around.  I also don't want my kids to have the same experiance or lack thereof.  I try to keep them as involved as I can, I try to have them try new things and step out of their comfort zones.  I don't want them to waste as much time as I have.  So my lovely readers, is there a time in your life you wish could go back and do over?

Monday, August 20, 2012

Monday Monday

I'm really hoping things start going back to normal around here.  I did do some strength training and I did go for a walk, but I miss the gym.  Stacy is supposed to teach her usual step this morning, it will feel so good to get back there.  I can't believe it's been almost a week since I set foot in the gym!  At least I have remained active, but it's not the same.

The weekend was pretty good overall, just a lot more calories than I had anticipated.  I hopped on the scale this morning.  Up .6, not so bad.  Plus (and this maybe TMI), but I haven't gone to the bathroom since Saturday.  So that might be a factor too.  Not saying I don't deserve a gain, but I know that not going doesn't help.  Pizza Hut was worth it and so was my outing with Kelly on Saturday.  Maybe I could have gone without the chocolate chips on my fro yo, but whatever.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Kelly made the trek to Dirty Jerz on Saturday.  We met at Garden State Plaza, had some lunch and did some shopping.  She might have talked me into a VS purchase, but that's okay!  I saw some really cute clothes on the mannequins in H&M and I wanted to get this one outfit, but couldn't find the pants!  Grrr.  I'm going to try and find them online.  So that's it for today, got to start getting ready to hit the gym!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Falling Off?

I feel like I have been falling off the wagon since Friday.  I feel really bad that I indulged as much as I did and I'm having a hard time getting back on track.  Yesterday I didn't do terrible.  I spend at least 3 and 1/2 hours walking, I had my cereal for breakfast, small Lender's bagel for snack, 1 Doritos taco for lunch, a 6" Subway turkey breast sub, a fat free fro yo from the mall (okay so I had them put some chocolate chips on there!), a salad, 2 beers, 2 pizza crusts (what? Beer makes me hungry and at least I wasn't eating whole slices!) and one of my mini cupcakes.  According to My Fitness Pal, I came in at just about my calorie intake for the day (slightly over) but I hate it because I definately ate my exercise calories and I hate doing that.  I don't even want to go to the gym today.  I haven't been since Wednesday!  That's not to say I haven't been working out, I just haven't been to the gym.

So with all of that I really feel like I'm starting to lapse a bit.  Sigh.  I think instead of sitting here feeling so down I should get up and do something.  Okay, that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to do some weights, and some ab work and go for a walk.  Here I go.....

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Paying for Pizza Hut

Yesterday actually went really well.  P and I made it the entire day without fighting!  That never happens.  Like never.  I can't remember the last time we went a day without fighting.  The kids had such a good time and so did I.  It kind of made me sad though, because I wished things could have been that good when we were together.  We could have made it work.  I know that all couples have disagreements and arguements, but our problems go far beyond that of any normal couple.  Sigh.  All in all though, a really good day.

After returning back to Jersey from the zoo we stopped to have dinner.  Pizza Hut!  My absolute favorite in the entire world.  I could eat it all the time.  I had one and a half breadsticks, 2 slices of pizza, and cut the crusts off two other slices and had the crusts.  Lol, I know, I'm such a classy broad.  I figured I spend about 26 PP there and I was already 7 over for the day!  Luckily yesterday was the start of a new week so I had them.  Plus, according to My Fitness Pal, I burned over 400 calories at the zoo!  After leaving the kids and P at his place I went out and proceeded to use the rest of my WP's.  Oh well.  I think I'm going to go walking today.  I really want to go to the gym, but since it's Stacy's week to teach Saturday's step and she's on vacation, they're not having step at all!  My friend wants to go walking anyway and this will save her the $10 to get into my gym.

So on to the title of my post.  Soooo paying for the pizza today.  My stomach is not happy with me at all.  Pizza Hut is so delicious but sooooo bad for you.  I would say lesson learned, but unlike going to Burger King or something, Pizza Hut is totally worth it for me.  So that's all I got, enjoy your Saturday!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Official WI And BIG NSV

Well, I'm down 1.8 this week!  Yes!!  So of course for dessert I made myself a sundae (but I used slow churned fro yo, that's better than ice cream right?) with fudge (it's sugar free!) AND caramel syrup.  Counterproductive much?  Whatever.  I busted my butt yesterday, I actually did the whole workout of BFBM!  AND I went for about an hour walk.
So here's my NSV.  I took the kids to the pool and..... wore my bikini.  Yup, IN PUBLIC.  Nuts right?  I have only ever worn a bikini one other time in my life and that was 7 years ago before I got pregnant with my son.  And that whole summer I only had the guts to wear it once.  But I wore one yesterday.  And guess what?  I didn't feel like anyone was staring at me wondering why the hippo was out of the zoo and wearing a two piece!  I wasn't that self conscious after the first few minutes.  Such a liberating feeling.  So yeah, feeling pretty good about that.

Today I'm taking my kids to their dad's for what will probably be the last weekend for a while.  He has some, um, legal matters that will be taking up his weekends for the next 5 or 6 weeks.  And by that time school will have started which means it will be soccer season, which means he'll only be able to have them one night on the weekends instead of two since soccer is Wed/Sat.

Now P is the type of guy that will just go ahead and make plans without consulting anyone.  If he thinks it's a good idea he's just going to go for it and tell you about it later.  Can we guess what I'm getting at here?  Last night when I called him so he could say good night to the kids he informs me that he has purchased 4 tickets for the Bronx Zoo.  Well he and the kids only make 3 people and both his parents work, and he can't take the kids out of state without my prior consent, so guess who ticket number four is for?  Yup.  Me.  Now I love the Bronx Zoo, I have been waiting years for when I thought the kids would be old enough to take there (I'm super paranoid about taking them places like NY and Philly) and I think they would love it, however he didn't check with me.  He just bought the tickets, and now I have to spend the day with him.  He's not a bad guy, he just drives me absolutely insane.  He's like a big kid.  That's what he is.  He is a 3 year old trapped in a 36 year old body.  The things I do for my kids, lol.  So hopefully things will go smoothly.  I really have no problems with him, it's just awkward, you know?  Spending an entire day with your ex.  This also means I have to skip the gym this morning if I want to get to the zoo early enough to make it worth going.  But since I will be spending the better part of the day on my feet, it should be okay.  I'm packing our lunches and our snacks so it will be cheaper and I don't really have to worry about what I'm eating.  Happy Friday!


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Update 8/16

Since Stacy is on vacation for the week, we've been having a sub in her classes.  Yesterday was cardio kickbox with Amy.  Oh. My. Gosh. #ThatChickCray.  She is like one of those super fitness people that goes really fast and adds a bunch of jumps and stuff that normally aren't there.  Like instead of just doing knee strikes, they're knee strikes with a jump.  Really challenging and I am sooooo feeling it today.

Today is my active recovery day.  I'm thinking about hitting up Dunkin (since it's finally open!) and then going power walking.  Although part of me wants to do Jillian Michael's BFBM.  We shall see I suppose.  Yesterday didn't go quite as I had planned eating wise.  My friend called and we took a last minute trip to the mall so instead of my salad I had to grab a snack on the go.  I stayed within my calories but fell short on my veggies for the day and my water too.  It's okay though, right back on today.

So that's all I got, just a quickie update for now.  WW later!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Looking Back To Move Forward

So in case you hadn't noticed, I've been a little down recently.  My motivation has been lacking and I've been a little depressed.  So yesterday I decided after catching up on the blogs I read, I would blog stalk myself.  I went back to 2011 when I started this and re-read some of my posts.  It made me remember how happy I was when even though I went bar hopping and then to the diner I didn't throw in the towel.  How when I had my very first gain EVER while actively doing WW I didn't let it derail me.  Or how incredibly awesome I thought it was that I was getting in ONE serving of veggies every day.  And it made me realize just how far I've come, and not just with my weight, but with how I react to certain things.  Normally I would have given up after the bar crawl.  A gain would have made me quit.  But I didn't.  I stuck with it and now I am within 7 lbs of my goal!  And you know what I did for the first time in 3 years yesterday?  I put on my size 2 skinny jeans from AE.  And they fit!  I didn't have to do any kind of wiggling or dancing.  I didn't have to suck it in to button them, I didn't have anything hanging over the top.  They just fit.

So that was inspiring enough to force me to workout even though I was extremely tired (I had woken up at 2:30 and could NOT go back to sleep).  I did FE C3C and half of BBL H&T.  Altogether I worked out for 40 minutes.  Not bad considering I didn't want to do anything at all.  Then I put my size 2's back on and wore them all day.  I didn't go anywhere.  I just had a veg day with the kids since the weather wasn't awesome.  But I wore them to remind myself why I wasn't going to go reach for the Twix ice cream bars in the freezer.  I wore them to remind myself only to eat if I was actually hungry.  I wore them so that when I was hungry I would go for the salad or the carrots or something healthy.  And that worked up until I decided to make cupcakes with the kids, lol!  To my credit though, I didn't lick the bowl, or the spoon.  I did lick my fingers though when I was all done.  I bought one of those Babycakes cupcake makers and it said to only put 2 tbsp of batter into every wrapper so I was a good girl and measured.  AND I only had ONE cupcake.  I plugged them into My Fitness Pal and they come out to just 53 calories per cupcake.  I then realized I could have made them with diet soda and it would have been even less, but that's okay.  Next time ;)

Not really sure what I have on tap for today.  I made the kids French toast for breakfast and I'm just finishing up my coffee.  I do have kickboxing at 9 this morning at the gym.  I can't wait to go back.  After not going Sunday and not going yesterday I feel like it's been ages since I have been.  Maybe that's why I'm in such a funk?  I feel like I'm not doing anything because I haven't been at the gym.  Maybe it's hormones?  Speaking of which TOM is a full TWO MONTHS late now.  Two months people.  No, really, I'm not pregnant.  It's driving me nuts, I really need it to get here like yesterday.  Ugh.

And lastly before I wrap this up, I want to talk about my cruise.  I am rooming with 3 people I hav never met before.  Last time I went, I went with a friend and we had 2 roomies, who at the time we booked we hadn't met.  We met one of them at the fall tour and the other we didn't meet until we were in Miami and it worked out great.  They were really awesome.  So I have no doubts in my mind that my roomies this time around will also be awesome.  It's 2 guys and one girl.  I found them on a 311 group on Fb that I have been a member of for a while.  I was stalking th group last Friday looking for people who still needed cabin mates and I sent out soooo many DM's.  They were the first ones to respond, so they are the ones I picked.  So we all exchanged numbers and are now Fb friends.  Anyway, my two guy room mates?  Holy moly are they hot!!!  And I believe they are both single.  I am on lucky lady here.  If that isn't motivation to get my ass to the gym, well I don't know what is!  I mean, I really lucked out here.  So anyway, just wanted to throw that in there.  It really has nothing to do with anything but I just needed to say it.  Have a great one!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Guess Who's Back?

I felt so much better after going to spinning class yesterday.  I also did Tummy Tuck from BBL and I worked my upper body with some weights.  I did make an effort to do Bum Bum from BBL, but my legs just were not having it.  I was so hard for me to even get through spinning, and I have no idea why.  Maybe it's a good thing I ended up not working out Sunday.  My legs really felt like they were going to just snap in half.  I warmed up and I always make sure I stretch.  Weird.

So I think we all know what I did last night.

It's baaaaack!  Oh how sweet it is.  Actually, I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would.  I only missed it when I thought about it.  When I stayed busy though it really didn't bother me that I wasn't having it.  Maybe tonight I won't have any.  And this was the ONLY dessert I had yesterday.  No brownie, no little Twix bar, nothing.  That's a big deal. 

I did pretty well overall with my eating yesterday.  I had my Cheerios, I made a protein shake with the strawberries and some baby carrots for my morning snack.  For lunch I had 1/2 cup Perdue shortcuts turkey on a whole wheat, high fiber tortilla (yes I finally switched from my white flour tortillas, another NSV!) with fat free cheese, lettuce and some buffalo sauce.  Also, yet another NSV here, I didn't eat lunch when it was lunch time.  I was still full from the shake (which was totally disgusting by the way but at least I tried!), so I had lunch about an hour and a half past when I normally do!  I was still starving though after lunch so I made myself a nice big salad.  Today I think I'll have a spinach salad instead of my regular lettuce.  I also had a Martin's dinner roll (90 calories/2PP) with some no calorie butter spray.  That kept me full until dinner.  I had a fat free hot dog and a 100 calorie pack of Doritos, my ice cream and later I had a pretzel.

So I mentioned I've started using My Fitness Pal, right?  Please tell me how me, Queen of Carbs, falls short of how many I'm supposed to eat in a day?  On a regular basis I am over on my protein, on point of my calories and come up short on my carbs and fat.  Yesterday I was 22 g short on my carbs and 31 g short on my fat.  Not sure what to do about this.  I mean, I COULD eat more carbs, I won't complain!

My goal for today is to try the quinoa I bought over the weekend.  So excited to try something new.  I tried something new yesterday (the shake) and I will try something new today.  I think I found my challenge for the week.  I need to try one new thing every day.  I think that's a good challenge, don't you?

Monday, August 13, 2012

(Wo)Man in the Mirror

I actually went to bed at 7:30 last night.  I had just had it.  Yesterday would have been all kinds of fun and great if I had actually gotten some sleep and wasn't so hungover.  I didn't go to the gym.  My dad called me at 8:30 and asked if I wanted to go get a free makeover with my step mom.  She and I haven't had a whole lot of bonding time, and most of the family hates her, so I figured what the hell.  I don't know if I would have survived the gym anyway.  Sigh.

I was proud of myself though.  My dad had a Carvel ice cream cake, and Oreos, and Nesquick, AND pudding.  And I had none of it.  None.  I did really awesome on my challenge.  The first day was th hardest and after that it was easy.  I feel like that by having Taco Bell and then going on a drinking spree (which ended up at Applebees) kind of defeated part of the reason I wanted to do this.  I didn't do horrible at Applebees.  I had 2 mozz sticks, 5 wings and some chips with the spniach dip.  Considering how wasted I was, that could have been a WHOLE lot worse.  I do have a confession to make though, last night I had 2 mini sized Twix ice cream bars.  I almost made it through my challenge.  I didn't even really want them but I was so upset over having eaten as much as I did at Applebees (shouldn't have had the wings), I was upset that I hadn't worked out (though maybe I should hav instead of having the Twix), and I was just really mad at myself over how Saturday night ended.  Bad decisions were made.  One of them is something I have done before and I need to not do that anymore.  I was really forced to take a good look at myself yesterday and kind of re-evaluate what I do and my reasons behind it.  I don't think I respect myself or value myself the way I should.  I need to make a serious change. 

I felt so awful about everything yesterday I really just wanted to cry.  I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I can't just forget either.  If I forget then I won't be able to change.  Today is a new day though.  I'm 100% OP, I'm going to take spinning today.  Stacy's on vacation and Kim is teaching her step class.  We already know I'm not a big fan of Kim's teaching, so I found another class.  I'm also starting BBL again today.  I bought some frozen strawberries and I have frozen blueberries and I also bought some spinach and protein powder at the store this weekend.  Starting all over again right now.  I'm also going to try the whole no sweets thing again.  But it's going to be a little different.  I can only have ONE dessert and only if I really want it and have the Points for it.  Like I'm not going to save Points specifically to have dessert.  I got used to eating more actual food and I kind of liked it.  So that's it.  Have a great day!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Challenge Day 2

I did good.  I got completely wasted at the bar, but I did not have any sweets! We even ended up at Applebees and I had 2 mozz sticks, 5 wings, and some chips with spinach dip.  I didn't even do that bad.  I'm keeping this short because I'm hungover as hell but I have not flaked on my challenge!  Happy Sunday!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Challenge Day 1 Recap

Overall I did pretty well.  Breakfast was my usual Multi Grain Cheerios with a 1/2 cup of skim.  Then I hit the gym, took a spin class.  I came home and made myself 1/4 cup Egg Beaters on a Thomas Multi Grain english muffin with one slice of fat free cheese.  Later I set out on a quest for the 2nd Game of Thrones book and some Doritos tacos.  I got 2 of them, no soda, all good.  Then we went to the mall, I only spent about $20 in Deb.  Go me!  We got home around 2 and I made myself this HUGE salad with a 1/2 cup of Perdue shortcuts turkey breast, 1 slice fat free cheese, and 2 tbsp dijon mustard.  Then the cravings hit.  Sooo much harder than I thought!  I was doing really well until that point.  That's when I started getting a little antsy.  I seriously legit felt like an addict.  I was starting to climb the walls, it was bad.  I looked to Kelly for some support.

It's all good though.  She helped me, assured me I could do it.  Thanks so much!  Let me tell you, that was probably the HARDEST thing I have ever done!  Lol.  I mean, me?  Without CHOCOLATE?  What?  But I lived to tell the tale, haha.  And I am proud to say I did not even lick the spoon after giving my kids their fro yo!  Day one complete!

Not sure if I'm hitting the gym today or not.  The only class I actually want to take is spinning, but that starts at 8 and the Kid's Club where I drop the kids doesn't open til 9 on the weekends.  Normally I would be taking step, but as I recently learned, Stacy only teaches it every other Saturday.  The Saturdays she doesn't teach, it's taught by Kim.  Kim is nice, but her moves are a lot more complx and she doesn't break it down or give you mods like Stacy does.  I was so lost 2 weeks ago when I was in her class!  Ugh, I don't know what to do!  I need to figure it out though, because I have to have the kids at their dad's by noon.  And I have $80 in Kohl's cash in my wallet, so I am going to go shopping once I get back.  Love it!

In other news, I officially booked yesterday for the 311 Cruise in March!  That's right, it's no longer just some dream, I am really truly going to be on the boat!!  I'm going to need to channel my Inner Grace to make sure I hit the fitness center.  I love how she is always so motivated.  Also this just gives me extra incentive to better my habits so I look extra amazing.  I am going to start 6 Week 6 Pack on Monday, see if I can get this to work.  So that is it.  Gotta start getting my butt in gear here, happy Saturday!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Official WI, Stacy, & Finally A Challenge!

122.2 on the WW scale.  Down 2.6 since 7/19 which was my last official WI.  Am I thrilled it's taken me 20 days to lose not even 3 pounds?  No.  I am I happy I didn't gain 3 pounds?  Hell to the yeah!  We all know the less you weigh, the harder it becomes.  And considering these last 2 weeks have been filled with concerts, beer, fast food and that oh so delicious ice cream cake at my brother's birthday party, 2.6 is nothing to sneeze at.  So the logical thing for me to do is come home from WI and have not one, but TWO peanut butter brownie bites.  Hey, it's the end of the week and it's not like the 2 of them put together would equal a full brownie, so it's all good.  I also had two hot dogs and some Doritos for dinner.  Okay, so they were fat free hot dogs and a 100 calorie pack of Doritos, but you would think after my post about abs yesterday I would have made an attempt at a healthy dinner.  Nope, apparently not gonna happen.  And then of course I felt disgusting and bloated afterwards.  BUT I fought the urge to throw it all away and just go into full on binge mode.  And that's the kind of change I am happiest to see, even more than the numbers on the scale.  Because that means that the numbers on the scale or more likely to remain low.  Because I have made an actual change and not a temporary fix.

Anyways, late yesterday morning I got a phone call.  I didn't know the number, so I didn't answer it.  Upon checking my voicemail I learned it was none other than my trainer Stacy!  She just wanted to see how I was doing and say that even though we haven't had another session yet she was happy to see me still using the weights and that I have been doing really well in class.  Also if I had any questions I could always call her.  Thanks Stacy, that really means a lot.  I called her back and said I want to start having regular training sessions starting in September.  Maybe she can help me overcome this whole feeling of "needing" junk foods so I can really commit and get the body of my dreams.

I was watching My Mom's Addicted last night and this one woman was addicted to food.  At 5'2" she weighed 298 lbs and her 12 year old daughter was doing all the household chores while she sat at the computer all day.  The daughter even had to give the mom massages because of all the pain she was in.  Know what her big down fall was?  Yup, ice cream.  Something I can completely relate too.  They went to counseling and the mom ended up hiring a personal trainer.  She did start going to the gym and stuff but completely freaked when told she should get rid of the temptations in the house.  And this woman could like legit not believe they were telling her she should throw out her ice cream.  They weren't going to force her, but they said it would be for the best.  Well finally toward the end of the show she decided she was going to do it and she threw it away on her own free will with a smile on her face. 

So that kind of inspired me.  And I think I have a challenge for myself.  I have to start off small here, but we'll see how I do.  You ready?  Not dessert this weekend.  NONE.  No after lunch brownie, no ice cream, nada.  Just today, tomorrow, and Sunday.  If I can make it to Sunday without the urge to kill some one, I'll extend the challenge.  And no cinnamon sugar pretzels or anything like that either.  The only sugar I can have is in my morning coffee, because well, I need that lol.  Wish me luck!  Lord knows I'll need it, haha.

So that's about where I stand with things right now.  No good classes at the gym, but since yesterday was my "rest" day (I did go for a 45 min walk), I need to do something.  No elliptical/treadmill at the gym it is and some weights probably.  Maybe I'll do spinning if it's not full.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Abs & Ice Cream

I'm going to warn you now.  This is going to be a bitchy whiny kind of post.  I completely loathe the fact that abs are made in the kitchen and not in the gym.  I HATE it.  I do so much core work now it's insane. Hundreds and hundreds of crunches a day, planks, supermans, you name it I do it.  And I know it works.  I have previously discussed how I can see the outlines of my abdominal muscles if I stand a certain way.  But my belly still jiggles.  Sure, I go to the gym.  Matter of fact, I killed it at the gym today.  I workout 7 days a week usually (sometimes it's only 6 but still!) and give it my all, I watch my caloric intake, I drink my water.  But it's not enough.  My lower abs especially still look like a bowl of jello.  Why?  Because I still eat crap.

There I said it.  I eat crap.  I love my brownies, and ice cream, and cookies, and bagels and chips, and pizza and beer.  Just last night I ate my ice cream right out of the carton.  Classy, I know.  But hey, I measured first!  There was only 1/2 cup left and I wasn't about to dirty a bowl.

See?  It's not even that bad.  It's 1/2 the fat!  Om nom nom.

And, here's what really kills me.  I love these things, I want these things, MORE than I want my abs.  I really hate admitting that, but it must be true.  If it wasn't true I would have a flat stomach and would be posting about something else.  As much as I want nice abs, I want to be able to consume these things more.  My weakness.  My Achille's heel.  I know I probably spelled that wrong, but you guys know what I mean.  I don't know how to fix this though.

I was tired of being fat and I decided I wanted to be thin and healthy more than I wanted to devour boxes of Entemann's.  The difference is that I can be thin and (fairly) healthy and still eat Entemann's, just not the whole box in one sitting.  If I want my abs, I can't have it.  Period.  At least not for a while and then when I do have it, it can't be on the daily.  And it saddens, and actually kind of disgusts me that I don't want it bad enough to make the commitment.  I don't want it bad enough to cut stuff from my diet that I really shouldn't be having anyway because it's not good for me.  I just can't do it.  Me.  Liz the strong and mighty who can move entire sofas!  Liz who has hit bottom and lived to tell.  Who has survived anorexia and a drug addiction.  Who raises two children on her own.  I am strong enough to do all of those things, but I am not strong enough to say no to pizza, at least not without falling back into my anorexic ways.  Go figure.

Anyway, this post isn't so much about me whining about my body as it is me whining about my lack of willpower and how my priorities are all messed up and that I realize this, but still won't change it.  Le sigh.  Well thanks for reading and letting me vent.  Do any of you guys have issues like this?  Something you know you should change, but you just won't?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Blast From The Past

I am happy to report that I did do 2 FE workouts yesterday!  I really feel like I should have done a 3rd, but I flaked.  I did C4C and C4C+S.  Afterwards I did do some additional strength training.  I stayed within my Points and went to bed at 9.  Doing awesome here.  The only thing I didn't do good great on was my water consumption, I think I only got in 5 glasses instead of my usual 9.  Can't be perfect all the time though, right?  Today is cardio kickbox at the gym.  So excited for it, I really and truly love this class.

So here we are a week into August and I still haven't committed to a challenge.  I'm going to do some research and I think I may do DB's idea and go veg once or twice a week.  I would really like to do paleo in theory, but not sure it's for me.  So I'll start off small.

Anyway, I get up this morning and do my usual checking of my Facebook and Twitter, etc and on Facebook I have a friend request.  It's S.  I'm not sure if I have talked about her here before or not, but I'll give you a quick run down.  S and I met sophomore year of college ('03), were good friends, but lost touch when I dropped out to have my son.  That was '05.  Fast forward to '09.  P just got sent to jail and I had 2 kids on my own.  S calls me out of the blue (haven't talked to her in FOUR years) and she's hysterial saying she and L broke up and he's kicked her out, her parents don't talk to her and she has nowhere to go.  Immediately I tell her it's no problem, she can come stay with me for a bit.

She moves in and we pick up right where we left off.  The closest of friends, practically sisters, we're inseperable.  I told her all she had to do to live with me was $400 a month "rent" (which was actually going to be used to make my car payment, remember P's in jail and I'm SAHM, I need money) and to pay for her own food.  Now $400/month rent for a HOUSE in JERSEY, you're really not going to get better than that.  Do you think she even TRIED to look for work?  Nope.  I was putting in applications, I knew the money P had left me to pay bills wasn't going to last the whole 180 days.  I applied at McDonald's, the liquor store, everywhere.  I was honest to God considering working at the go go bar.  Because you know what?  I tried everywhere else first, no one would hire me and dammit I have 2 kids I need to provide for.  And what did S do?  Nothing.  So come end of October (she'd been with me since the beginning of August) I start putting pressure on her to find a job.  At the beginning of November she says she's taking the train to go visit her mom for the weekend.  They had been talking and working on their relationship.  She said she'd be back Monday.  Well she never came back.

That's not the worst of it though.  She writes me this nasty e-mail saying that I'm a controlling bitch, and that I'm this and that yadda yadda yadda.  And I'm like WTF.  I took you into my home, paid for your food, took you where you needed to go, etc.  And this is the thanks I get.  So months go by, P comes home and throws a fit.  So pissed at what she did he took her stuff and chucked it.  Well she hadn't contacted me to come and get it and it had been like 4 or 5 months at this point, so obviously your stuff isn't THAT important now is it?  I'm not a storage facility here, and even if I was, it wouldn't be a free one!  So about 2 months after that she contacts me and tries to start up a friendship again. We had been really close and truth be told, I missed her.  3 weeks after this she starts cursing me out again saying how could I throw out her stuff etc etc.  And I'm like "Bitch, I TOLD you when you moved in that whenever you move out, you have SIX months to get your shit or I'm getting rid of it."  Now it is true that some personal things had gotten tossed and they can't be replaced, but if they were THAT important, don't you think you wouldn't have waited 8 MONTHS to ask for it?  I mean really.

So that was July of 2010.  I haven't heard a peep from her since.  But I still think of her, I still miss all those awesome times we had and I wish things could be different.  So maybe 4 or 5 weeks ago I got to thinking about her again and went and saw if she still had a Facebook.  And I sat there and stared at her page for a few minutes really debating on whether I should send her a message or a friend request or something.  But I didn't.  I just let it go.  So today I see this friend request from her and I accepted.  I really do miss her, but I don't want to go through this again.  We'll see show it goes.  That's it for now.  Have a great one!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Update & NSV

The bloating has gone away from my little weekend binge, back on a normal schedule with the kids, life is pretty good.  I went to step yesterday and then hit the floor to work my legs a little with the machines.  I also banged out 300 various crunches.  My abs were not happy with me, lol.  Today I'm working out at home.  I know the last few times I said tht I ended up not, but I was going to the shows anyway and got an amazing calorie burn there so I didn't really need to workout at home.  The extra burn would have been nice, but what you gonna do?  The plan is to do 2 FE Cardio DVD's.  We'll see what happens.  Even if I only do one I'll be happy. 

Kelly was talking about rest days yesterday on Twitter, and my body hasn't had even a "light" day in about a week and a half.  I like the idea of a rest day, but it's so much harder to get myself back on the next day.  I would rather just workout 7 days but have one day just be yoga or  leisurely walk or something.  To each their own though, you need to figure out what works for you.

Also I want to restart BBL.  I really do like the program, but I only stick with it for 3 weeks.  I need to really push myself and keep going.  I know that it works, I saw results pretty fast, I don't know why I keep quitting that one.  I need to do upper body and some more abs today too.  I am becoming as obsessed with working my abs as I am my arms.  Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.  I just really love having muscles.  When I was younger, I didn't want muscles.  I just wanted to be skinny.  Skin and bones and that's it.  I think that's where I went wrong.  I was so focused on being thing, but didn't really care if I was healthy.  This time around I am so much more determined to get that definition I want.  Do you know how many times a day I flex in the mirror?  Totally serious, I love it.

Before I wrap this up for today I just want to say what a major major NSV the last 2 days have been for me.  Normally after a night like Saturday, I would just throw away the whole rest of the week with the intention of "restarting" Friday, which is the start of my WW week.  But I didn't do that.  Sunday morning I was at the gym and back on plan.  Maybe I'm really changing after all....Alright, I gotta get rocking here.  Lots of stuff to do and there's only so many hours in the day!  Make it great!

Monday, August 6, 2012


So before I get to FMM, I just wanted to say that I cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels to be back OP.  I stayed within my 29 Points yesterday, killed it at kickboxing, and went to bed once again at my normal time of 9:00.  I freaking slept til 6:40 this morning!  Wow, do I feel great!  I have some stuff to do before I hit the gym so here's my FMM for the week!

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

A Little More Personal

1. Are you a morning person? Absolutely. I hate sleeping late (past 7 or 8). It makes me feel like I've wasted my day.
2. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  Completely depends on the situation.
3. Are you addicted to anything? If so, what? Coffee, shopping, and 311 (oh come on, like you guys didn't see that coming!)
4. How many times have you been in love? Like really really in love?  Once, and I still am.  I wish I could get over this guy, but I just can't.  Truly my biggest mistake was messing things up with him.  We haven't been together in years and I still think of him and compare guys that I meet to him. Ugh.
5. What is your position on politics? I'm a registered Republican, but I really think that I'm more of an Independent.  Some topics I'm very liberal on and others I'm more on the conservative side.
6. Are you religious? I love God, I believe in God, I talk to Him.  Do I go to church? Eh, I have.  For a while I was going every Sunday and would take the kids (which is a huge reason why I went, I wanted them to be familiar with religion at least), but it's really not for me.  I don't believe that you have to formally worship in order to be a good Christian or whatever it is that you are.
7. Would you prefer backpacking or a luxury hotel?  Luxury hotel all the way. I'm spoiled, what can I say?
8. Do you have/want pets?  I have a poochie.  She's  pain in the ass, but I love her
9. Are you a sports fan?  Not at all
10. How often do you brush your teeth?  Once or twice a day
11. Do you have tattoos and/or piercings?  I have both. 5 piercings and 3 tats.
12. What’s your favorite clothing brand? I don't really have one.  I buy whatever I like
13. Should a man open doors for a woman? Yes…
14. Which season is your favorite?  I really love all of them, but I probably look forward to summer the most only because I love being at the shore so much.
15. Would you rather eat less or workout more? Hmm, don't really know.
16. What’s your idea of romance?  When you really pay attention to eachother, it's the little things.  I remember my first Valentine's day with P.  I never thought he paid any attention to me when I told him stuff.  But he got me flowers, a stuffed animal, and here is the romance part, a box of soft pretzels.  I had said something about 2 months earlier about how I really love soft pretzels but hadn't had one in forever and he REMEMBERED.  To me, that was so much sweeter than any jewelry or flowers or whatever because I had made a comment and he was obviously paying attention.
17. How often do you do things that are outside of your comfort zone?  I'm working on it, but still not often.
18. Christmas or Halloween?  Oh man, this is a toughie.  I really really love both.  Halloween is so much fun, I love getting the kids dressed up.  I love when I dress up, I like trick or treating (great opportunity to burn off the candy before I, um, test it to make sure it's safe for the kids!).  Pumpkin carving is a tradition with us.  P always lets the kids help pick out the seeds and they roast them together. Plus I love the fall, it's so beautiful!  But Christmas is so wonderful! Christmas is lots of decorations that bring cheer, baking cookies with my mom, hot cocoa, decorating the tree, wonderful smells, and really focusing on quality time with friends and family. Oh, and of course shopping!
19. Would you rather live in the country or the city?  I'm a country girl, never lived anywhere else.  But honestly I'm probably more of a suburbs person.  I love cities, but don't think I could ever actually live in one.
20. Share your life philosophy.  This is kind of tricky too. Damn Kenlie, you're killing me this week!  I'll just quote 311 here, make it easy for myself.  Stay positive and love your life!
Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments! Happy Monday, Friends!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

No Control, Parties, and Shopping

I made it to step yesterday.  Thank God because I over did it at my brother's surprise birthday party.  Which I had enough WP's to cover it, but then he & his girl came back to my house where the festivities continued.  The alcohol flowed and the food kept coming.  I'm disappointed in mysel for allowing myself to give into all the cravings.  Luckily my brother ate the majority of what I made, so it wasn't as bad as it COULD have been but still.  And I also went a little overboard on the chips at the family party earlier in the day.  I feel so gross today.  So of course I hopped on the scale this morning to check the damage.  Up .2, not bad at all!  I then dragged my hungover ass to cardio kickboxing.  I felt so much better after getting through the class.

After the gym, I went to Dunkin Donuts to get more coffee.  Now mind you, I am looking totally busted.  Once again I only got about 4 hours of sleep, I'm hungover, and I just kicked butt at the gym and am all sweaty and nasty.  These two guys were heading into DD's and the cuter of the two let me go ahead of him and he held the door.  So I smiled and said thank you.  They left and started walking down to the other end of the little strip mall.  I get back into my car and head in the same direction because Kohl's is over there.  I park and walk up to Kohl's and I end up walking right in front of these same two guys.  The cuter one notices I'm going into the store and says "Here, I'll get the door for you again."  So I smiled and said "Aww, thank you, you're so sweet." And he smiles back and says "So are you."  OMG, that kind of stuff just doesn't happen to me.  I mean, these guys weren't even going in the store.  Kinda wish he had stopped me and tried to get my number or something.  It's all good though, it still made my day.

So then I started to shop, and shop I did.  I bought tons of stuff for the kids, and just a few things for myself....

See?  Just a couple little things......=)  Okay, so maybe I might have a slight shopping addiction.  Just a tad. And yeah, those jeans are size threes.  They fit perfectly, not tight at all, even after the last week.  Awesome, awesome feeling.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Meeting Kelly, Last Show & 200th Post!

Yesterday was such a huge day all around.  I finally got to meet Kelly!  For those who don't know, she is one of my favorite bloggers here.  I always find her posts so inspiring, and she is literally the sweetest girl you'll ever meet.  I was fortunate enough to have dinner with her before going to 311.  Not only is she a very cool girl and so down to earth, but she is gorgeous in person!  Not that you're not pretty in your pictures Kelly, but they really don't do you justice! =)  We grabbed dinner at this cute place on Long Island.  I had this amazing sandwich that I had to fight really hard with myself to only eat half of.  I really wish we could have hung out longer.  And also, I had brought a friend with me for the concert, so with an extra person it was hard to really talk about all the things I really wanted to talk to Kelly about.  Still a good time though!  Here's a pic

Anyways, on to the show!  Last night's setlist was probably my favorite of the tour.  They busted out some rarities and some songs they used to play all the time but don't really anymore.  I was rocking the eff out just going nuts.  My friend actually really enjoyed herself too (once she got over the overwhelming amount of pot smoke) and wants to go again.  I LOVE turning new people on to 311.  I was a little disappointed in the crowd though.  My section totally sucked.  There were only a few people enjoying themselves as much as me.  Most of them just stood there.  Didn't even like nod their heads or anything.  Um, hello?  You're at an effing concert, loosen the hell up!!  Even when I have seen acts that I was unfamiliar with or that aren't exactly my favorite, I still dance (not like I do for 311, obvi) and have a good time.  I mean, to me, I paid good money to be here, I don't want to just stand there like a statue.  I want to enjoy myself.  Not for nothing, but I can just stand in my living room and play music really loudly for free and not have to deal with traffic.  KWIM?  Still a great show, I left there a very happy girl.  Traffic was horrendous though.  They're doing construction on the bridge.  It took me over an hour to get from the Jerome Ave exit on the Cross Bronx into NJ.  People familiar with NY, you know how short of a distance that is and 12 AM traffic should NOT be worse than rush hour traffic.  Just sayin'.

And last but not least here, this is my 200th post!  Wow, that's a lot.  I can't even begin to tell you how much having this little blog here has impacted me.  Really.  This is such a great release for me, I love getting feedback whether I'm having a good or bad day, and some of the people I now "know" are just so amazing and I'm glad to have met you and gotten the opportunity to peek at your lives.  To see your struggles and to know I'm not alone and to celebrate in your triumphs as you have in mine.  I really hope that meeting Kelly was just the tip of the iceberg and that I will be fortunate enough to meet some more of you in the future. 

That's it for today guys.  I gotta go start a coffee IV drip if I'm going to make it to step class! =)

Friday, August 3, 2012

Last Time & Scheme Hatching

Last night was epic.  Epic.  That's really all I can say.  I am so excited for tonight yet bummed too.  This is my last show this summer, I wish there was more.  Hopefully they do a fall tour like usual and I can hit a few shows then.

I made it to the gym yesterday.  Did the elliptical, the treadmill, some weights, and some abs work.  Then I danced around like a maniac at the concert.  I did splurge a little last night.  I got mildly tipsy and got an order of fries.  It was a small order, and I did share with my friend, but I know I didn't really NEED them.  Paying for it today though, tummy is NOT happy, lol.  But they were so delicious.

I'm headed to Jones Beach today out on Long Island.  My plan is to hook up with Kelly for a little bit.  No clue what we're going to do, but we'll figure something out.  Really hope we can make it happen.  I haven't met anyone in the blog world yet and it would be pretty cool to meet her.

I don't have any plans on going to the gym today, but I m going to try and workout at home.  If not though I'm not going to worry about it.  I'll be dancing and jumping for about 2 hours later so that will be a good workout.  That reminds me, I had to walk yesterday too.  We had to park crazy far and walk UPHILL to get to the venue.  Burning calories all over the place!

Lastly, thanks to those who commented on yesterday's post.  I really just can't believe it.  She's accusing me of not ever buying the ticket and using her money for something else.  Crazy crazy crazy.  I had a thought, and because when I feel attacked I go from sweetest girl ever to evil bitch I am really tempted to do it.  But I won't.  I was thinking I could go to the bank, get her $60, but get it in pennies, dimes, and nickels.  She asked me to leave the money in her car, so I could just open all the rolls and have $60 in loose change all over her car.  That would be effing hilarious.  I won't do it though.  Okay, maybe the last $5.  Just in pennies.  Just to be a bitch.  No, I won't, I'll be the bigger person.  I hate having to be a mature grown up sometimes. 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Unofficial WI & Fighting Battles

Since I will be at a 311 show tonight (soooo excited!), I will NOT be going to WW and so I jumped on the scale here at home.  Gotta stay accountable.  FINALLY a decent loss on the scale!  2 weeks ago and my last "official" WI I was 124.8.  This week I am 122.2!!  My scale said 122.6, but remember it weighs .4 heavier than the WW scale.  Words cannot say how thrilled I am.  I feel like I finally might be having a good day.  Tuesday sucked (with the exception of the few hours I spend at the concert), yesterday sucked even harder, maybe today is the day that things turn around.  I got a good night's sleep, the scale has decided to be my friend.....

Speaking of friends, you will not believe what happened to me yesterday.  So this woman I have been friends with since the beginning of the year, M, had told me she was interested in a ticket for Friday night's 311 show in Jones Beach.  I was originally supposed to go with some one else, but last week they said their job screwed up and gave them Saturday off instead of Friday and that they could no longer go.  They asked if I was interested in their ticket or if I just wanted them to sell it.  I said that I would see if any of my friends wanted to go so I wouldn't have to go by myself and that I would let them know.  So M says she wants to go.  Even though she's never even heard of 311, but figured we would have a good time.  So I told her the ticket was $60 and I needed it Tuesday because I would be seeing my friend and that would be when I could purchase the ticket.

M gives me the $60, I go and get the ticket.  Yesterday morning she texts me saying that she can't go, she really just doesn't like the music and that I could give her her money back on Friday when I get paid.  Um, excuse me?  Why would I pay you for a ticket that I can't use?  YOU bought it, so now it's YOUR problem.  I told her this but I also said that since I know a lot of people who like 311 I could try selling it for her, I might have an easier time.  She then proceeds to flip out at me saying it's not fair that I won't refund her money.  I told her that maybe she should have checked them out before committing to going and I also pointed out that if she had bought her tickets through ticketmaster that they wouldn't care if she didn't like the artist.  Once you have the ticket, that's it.  It's your problem.

She gets so upset (over a $60 ticket, it's not like we're talking hundreds of dollars here) and starts slinging insults at me.  Bringing up how I take advantage of her and how she always pays for everything and blah blah blah.  And I was like that's totally not true.  The only time she has EVER paid for me or my kids was on Monday when we went to the fish hatchery, she paid like $1.50 for food to feed the fish.  She started talking about buying us food at places we never even went to with her and started complaining about the ONE time I came over and asked her to do my make up.  But I take advantage of her.  I'm a thief.  Yeah, she called me a thief over a ticket I told her I would try and sell for her.  She also called me immature.  Well, I'm not the 47 year old woman flipping out over something so silly.  Yeah, that's right.  She's 47.  47 and acting like she's 17.  But I'm immature.

After arguing over text message the entire day, with her throwing things in my face that have NOTHING to do with the issue at hand (like the fact that neither of my kids were planned, and how she and her husband were together for many years before they married and made the well thought out decision to have kids), bringing up another friend of ours and saying mean shit about her (WHY are we talking about things that have nothing to do with the ticket?), and threatening to all the police on me if I didn't bring her ticket to her right tht minute (to which I said to go ahead and call the cops, I'll tell them what I told you, that you will either have the money or the ticket by Friday morning and then they'll be pissed you wasted their time) she says she values my friendship and we should just let this whole thing go.  What the hell woman, are you on crack???  I told her I needed to sleep and that I was too exhausted to discuss it now.  Which was true.  It was 9:00 at night, I was going on like 3 hours of sleep and I had fought with her all day.

Anyway, I promised I would talk to her today and I really don't know what I'm going to say.  This whole thing is just so stupid.  It's all over a ticket which I offered to try and sell for her so she could get her money back.  And the things she said to me don't really bother me.  It wasn't the insults.  I am the most secure insecure person ever, lol.  I'm insecure about the way I look and constantly think people are talking about me or whatever, but I am 100% secure in the decisions I have made and I don't regret any of them.  Also (and I realize this was a low blow) when she said about me having my kids so young and not planned I told her that I am twice the mother that some women 10 years older than me are and that my children are polite and well behaved.  That they don't spit, hit or curse at other children or at me.  Her daughter (4 1/2) does those things to other kids AND to her, which is why I said it, hence the low blow since I essentially said she's a crap parent and has a demon child.  I just said it in a nicer way.

The point is that I just don't know if I want to continue this friendship.  We've only been friends since the beginning of the year and I don't know if I want to be friends with some one like her.  She reminds me of P in so many ways.  She clearly has a drinking problem.  No, I'm not being mean, she really does.  She walks around her house with a glass of vodka and every time I have ever seen her I've been able to smell it on her ever if I don't see her with it.  I think that yesterday she had a bit much to drink and that's why she was so all over the place.  I have seen this kind of behvaior in P, I know just how this works.  I know she was drinking when she agreed to buy the ticket and I think what happened was that she realized she made a poor decision and then tried to shift the blame onto me.  Something P would do ALL THE TIME.  Every time he would be drunk and screw up he would try and find a way to pin it on me.  And when I would try and calmly explain that it wasn't my fault he would blow up and freak out just like M did.  The only difference between M and P is that if a fight between us were actually to come to blows, I could take M down.  I am most definately stronger than she is, where at 6'3" and 180 lbs I wouldn't stand a chance against P. I don't know if I can go through this again.

Why do I attract all of the crazy people? Why? I really just want to live a normal life and have normal friends and normal relationships. I do love me some drama, but only on TV or in books, I can't stand this shit in my regular daily life. I need to get rid of it. So thanks for reading, if you did. I know that was a lot to go through. But I am truly hurt that she would accuse me of being and thief and flip out over something so trivial and petty. Like I said, it's not the insults, I don't care about those.  They don't bother me because what she was saying was either completely untrue or had nothing to do with the issue.  But the fact that you say I'm your best friend and you value my friendship only to turn around and accuse me of taking advantage of you when I have never asked you for ANYTHING is so absurd. /rant

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Keepin It Movin & A Pic

So 311 was AHmazing as always.  I went a little over last night.  I had a DD medium iced caramel mocha, 2 beers, and 4 Oreos lol.  And I blew off working out.  Yesterday was just a really weird day.  On the way home from the concert my friend and I were hungry so we saw a sign for McDonald's.  I get off the highway and we drive in the direction of the alledged McDonald's only to be dumped back on the highway!  There was no McDonald's, they lied!  So a little while later we saw a sign for another McDonald's which was supposedly only 2.4 miles away.  Again we follow signs.  Again NO EFFING MCDONALD'S.  I know it's better that I didn't have it.  But it was not fair to get our hopes all up for McDonald's and then NOT deliver!!!  It was all good though.  311 rocked it out, I met some cool people and am psyched to do it all over again tomorrow!  I couldn't sleep though.  I tossed and turned all night so I'm really feeling it today.  But I will continue moving right along.  I have cardio kickbox at 9, so I'm downing coffee trying to get the energy to be able to get through it!  So that's it.  I will leave you with a picture from last night of me, my friend Tasjaana I always go with, my Twitter friend Billy and some of his friends.